Can you trust your memory?
According to some scientific resources, and my own shitty experiences, I can tell you: not really.
Our memory isn’t as reliable as we think. It’s full of gaps that we end up filling biasedly and incorrectly.
This might surprise a lot of people.
But, the main purpose of memory isn’t to remember; it’s to learn from the past.
So, it’s highly subjective and can be as biased as our feelings and thoughts and beliefs are.
Toxic people and manipulators take advantage of this piece of information.
They mess with your memory and fill the gaps to make you believe what serves their agendas.
They alter your sense of reality by questioning it.
And that, dear reader, is what we call gaslighting.
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Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic
And it’s very, very destructive.
Not only will it make you do and believe what they want, but it also makes you question yourself and believe you are crazy, forgetful, making things up, and plain an idiot.
It’s one of these tactics that can directly damage your self-esteem in addition to manipulating you.
First of all, you need to develop your ability to spot gaslighting.
It’s not that hard if you pay attention. You just need to pay attention to the right things.
Once you are able to spot gaslighting, and you can see things for what they really are, you have your power back and you can do something about the situation.
The hardest part about dealing with gaslighting is recognizing it for what it really is.
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The main things to look for when trying to recognize Gaslighting
#1 Unreliability
One of these things is a person who is consistently disappointing others. But almost always has a justification.
I am not saying that all unreliable people are gaslighters. Some are just lazy and, well, unreliable!
What I’m saying is that there’s a specific type of unreliable people who are more likely to use gaslighting.
First of all, reliable people don’t need to use gaslighting. But if I’m unreliable, I may use gaslighting from time to time if I want to avoid taking responsibility for my behavior.
And guess who likes to avoid taking responsibility and accountability? That’s right. Toxic people. Mostly narcissists, but toxic people in general.
#2 A consistent pattern of lying is an obvious sign, too.
Lying is too obvious a sign to mention. It’s like stating the obvious.
I believe that gaslighting is an advanced level of lying.
In this case, the lie is about altering reality or about altering the past that you know to be true.
This alteration serves their goals and agendas. They will say they never said that. Or that they meant X when they said Y, even though at the moment they meant Z and you both know it. Or they will tell you, or give you hints, that you are overreacting to one of their (shitty) actions.
But the trick is that you end up believing that! And it’s hard to tell why (or not).
#3 Wait, why are you speaking about that now?
Talking about too many topics and details can be a subtle gaslighting strategy.
It’s a distraction strategy to make you too confused to focus on their lie and spot it.
That’s something to be aware of. Make them cut to the chase and don’t lose your focus.
#4 It’s not my fault and I don’t care
One last thing to watch for is their refusal to be held accountable.
They hate boundaries, and they shy away from taking responsibility. Again, that’s why most narcissists are also gaslighters.
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How to handle Gaslighting like a pro
Once you discover that someone is gaslighting you, and that’s actually the hardest part, you need to have a different strategy for dealing with them.
They are not operating on values such as honesty and telling the truth.
They are concealing truths and are trying to twist reality to get what they want.
And, this is the big part, they are refusing to take responsibility for one of their actions and are manipulating you either to let it slide and not hold them accountable or to take responsibility for it instead of them.
Photo by Aneta Pawlik on Unsplash
Those are the hidden agendas most of the time.
So, how do you deal with such agendas and behaviors?
Don’t give them what they want, which is the relinquishment of responsibility.
Don’t engage with their values, which are dishonesty and concealing truths. You engage with them when you “enable” them to get away with what they did and “excuse” them.
Hold them accountable.
Here’s more practical advice:
#1 Guard your memory.
One of the ways you can do this is by documenting things.
I am serious! In professional settings, keep everything tracked and documented in an official way. Losing track of that might make it hard to remember who did what and when and how or what was really said, done, and decided.
That’s not a loophole you want to overlook.
In your personal life, you can do a version of that, too. It can be writing how things made you feel and which behavior made you feel what.
Of course, it’s a reminder to yourself. Do not go and show them what you have written (unless you want to, but I don’t recommend it).
It’s more about your own sanity and knowing the truth for yourself. Then acting on this truth to protect yourself against lying.
Journaling, too, can be helpful to some extent to document what happened and how it happened. But you need to integrate it with the next piece of advice.
#2 Trust your perspective.
We said that gaslighters have the skill of altering your sense of reality. They make you doubt your own judgment.
Heck, they persuade you against your better judgment.
So, how do you handle such situations and manipulation?
Well, partly, by trusting your own perspective.
And by disregarding theirs.
That might sound a bit selfish. But fuck it.
If most of the time they are right and you excuse them and they end up taking so little responsibility compared to you, then something is going on.
Something fishy is going on.
And you need to trust your perspective and discard theirs.
Let me clarify what I mean by the word ‘perspective’ so that I don’t lead you astray as they do.
According to the dictionary, perspective is a particular attitude towards or way of regarding something; a point of view.
Surprise, surprise! Your perspective is your own opinion of reality.
In the case of gaslighting, this opinion is being shut down and shaped to disserve you.
So, if your opinion is always wrong, challenged, or shaped, you need to take a stand. If the reality is always against your opinion, something is wrong.
And you need to listen to your own opinion and thus have your own perspective and then trust it, for god’s sake.
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Don’t fall a prey to Gaslighting
Some people are easily gaslighted because they don’t trust their own opinions or are easily talked out of believing them.
That can be the case for various reasons such as low self-worth or doubts or being biased or having some kind of wishful thinking.
And sometimes the manipulation is just so damn good!
So, dealing with gaslighting is first about recognizing it for what it really is.
Then, you should take actions to prevent it from affecting you.
You do that by guarding your memory and trusting your perspective.
From there, you should start setting some clear boundaries and asserting them. For instance, a certain way of treatment that you will no longer excuse or accept their justification when it comes to it.
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A Final Caveat
Do keep in mind that once you set boundaries and start holding them accountable, the rage will surface.
And it can be dangerous to deal with the gaslighter depending on what type of person they are.
But do expect some tension and rage.
Other manipulation tactics might be thrown at your face, and maybe even actual objects. So, be careful and cautious.
Protect yourself.
I am not saying you should shy away from conflict or avoid it. It’s sometimes necessary and the right thing to do.
But do keep in mind what might happen when you expose a gaslighter and when you block their way to where they want to go:
Rage.
It shouldn’t scare you; it should just make you prepared.
Setting clear boundaries and walking away are the best next steps.
That might not be as easy as it sounds, but it’s important.
Losing a gaslighter is never a loss; it’s a sign you can’t put up with their shit, and that’s a compliment.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Alex Wolowiecki on Unsplash