You want to scream to the whole world you’re together and they flinch at the thought of putting a label on your relationship.
You dream about creating a future together, and they don’t even want to introduce you to their friends. You’ve opened up to them about your past trauma and they? They haven’t once let their guard down.
I get it. There’s nothing worse than finding yourself hopelessly in love with someone who is not capable of commitment. Commitment phobics bring a lot of emotional turmoil with them, which is why it’s important that you learn how to recognize them.
In order to help you avoid the whole push and pull dynamic, and the drama that comes with it, here are some signs that indicate the person you’re interested in or currently dating has a fear of commitment.
Thay Want to Have Their Cake and Eat It Too
That good old proverb perfectly describes how a commitment-phobic nagivates their romantic interactions: they want to have it all and give nothing back.
In other words, they want to enjoy all the good parts of a relationship, without having to deal with the hard ones — that’s why you’ll usually not see them moving past the casual phase.
They want the good times but not the commitment. The dates but not the arguments. The affection but not the emotional connection. The funny conversations but not the intimate ones.
Additional signs to look for:
- You give far more to them than they give to you.
- They spend time with you only when it’s convenient for them.
- They become uneasy if you show them any signs that you want to seriously invest in your relationship.
- They always need more space than you’re giving them.
They’re Last Minute Planners
Commitment-phoebes generally avoid making plans in advance. They are constantly juggling between options and rarely take initiative to propose a date.
People with commitment fears won’t prioritize meeting you.
They’ll probably give you mixed signals about whether they’ll make it to that event you invited them to, or accompany you to see that movie. Even if you simply propose to grab a cup of coffee the next day, they’ll probably answer you with, “I’ll let you know tomorrow.”
As psychologist Ilisa Kaufman mentions in her article:
“Some people’s fears of commitment can stop them from making plans or promises at all — even small commitments, such as meeting up with friends. Such commitment fears do not extend only to choices that could impact the rest of one’s life, but to those that will impact just one evening.”
Additional signs to look for:
- They never promise you things.
- They constantly offer up vague responses when you invite them to do things.
- They show up for the plans you proposed at the last minute.
- They can never be precise about time and place.
They Repeatedly Leave You in Limbo
A tell-tale sign that indicates a person has a fear of commitment, is when they repeatedly leave you in limbo, i.e., they make you feel uncertain about where your relationship’s heading and how they’re gonna behave next.
For example, they might be hot and cold toward you, disappear after a great date, or go through periods of radio silence for seemingly no reason.
You, on the other hand, might find yourself constantly in a state of confusion, facing communication barriers and wondering why there’s no progress in your relationship.
Additional signs to look for:
- You’ve lost the count of missed calls and unanswered messages.
- You never know where they are and what exactly they’re doing.
- When they talk about the future, their plans never involve you.
They’re Emotionally Detached
For a commitment-phobic, forming and sustaining emotional bonds in relationships is…close to impossible.
These people would rather face their problems solo rather than show any sign of vulnerability to others. You might have been dating for quite some time and they still won’t reveal any intimate information about themselves or show you anything about their inner world.
Staying emotionally detached is a coping mechanism that hinders the people around them from getting too close to them — which is, at the end of the day the thing they fear the most.
Additional signs to look for:
- They often seem preoccupied when you’re together, like their head is in another place.
- They avoid conversations that go deeper.
- They never let their guard down.
- They don’t provide you with emotional support when you need it.
They Have a History of Short-Term Relationships
When you look at your partner’s dating past, it’s easy to assume that their relationships were brief because they weren’t dating the right person — you, of course.
But, if all their relationships never went past a certain point, it’s highly likely that happened for a reason — they probably flew when things started getting real.
Also, if they have a history of picking people who weren’t suitable for a long-term relationship— like emotionally unavailable folks, married people, or even addicts— there was a reason behind that as well: they used these people as an excuse to not tie themselves to certain relationship expectations or commitments.
Additional signs to look for:
- They say there’s no point in using the word “boyfriend/girlfriend” or putting any label on your relationship.
- They avoid any discussion about the nature of your relationship.
- They are consistently unwilling to compromise.
What Happens Next?
If you want to form a serious, long-term relationship and have recognized most of the above signs in your guy/girl, you have two choices.
You can either stay by their side in hopes they will change and thus, enter a cycle of emotional turmoil or you can move on to someone who is actually ready for commitment and wants the same things as you.
Remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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