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We are in a very interesting point in time where there seems to be quite a bit of upheaval happening; The internet, and the current climate, have given more of a voice than ever to those who are considered marginalized: Black Indigenous People of Color (BIPOC), women and members of the LGBTQ community, to name a few. While it would seem to be very simple to draw the line between those who are for equality and those who are not, the deeply rooted systems of racism and oppression that we swim in, can create a lot of pain for those who do not understand the nuance and the depths of our programming.
If you are reading this and thinking,” This is all bullshit, it’s all made up and none of it exists,” you may not be ready for this actual discussion. If, however, you are in agreement that something needs to be done about sexism, racism, and homophobia, there are a few things you should know, especially if you are White in America. The first thing to get is that the sexism, racism and homophobia conversations are very much the same. It would be hypocritical to applaud someone for their anti-racism work and yet be ok with the oppression of members of the LGBTQ community, just as it is for someone to be anti-sexism while evoking racist rhetoric. I get that there are many who do not see these as the same issues, and even go as far as to deny their racism because they are a feminist, but when you look at the core, it really comes down to: “Are you for equality or not?”
When I say “equality,” I am not referring to the pie-in-the-sky, let’s everyone gather around and sing “Kumbaya,” idea of equality we were taught in the fourth grade. I mean equal treatment, equal justice, equal opportunities, equal housing, and so on. Basically, a restructuring of the way things “have always been.” Yes, this may seem daunting and a bit extreme, but, if you are really paying attention, you get how needed this is. I am not talking about divvying up every resource we have, equally amongst everyone. I am, however, talking about doing the unpacking necessary, so that we can truly heal each other. The healing from a place of understanding, along with a structure of reparations of some sort, is in our power and possible…if we want it.
Do we want it? I am not sure. There are many well-meaning individuals who are doing some version of “the work.” However, when pressed to discover their own blind spots they choose to bail. Shame, guilt and fear are wound very tightly within our culture of oppression. It can be really easy to grab a bullhorn and scream about making changes while being scared to death of looking at where we may still have some things wrong…because “wrong” means “death” in a lot of ways. We are worried about public-shaming, we are worried about being misunderstood and mostly, we are worried about being seen as “bad,” especially when we try so hard to be “good.” This is where a big part of the problem stems from.
I recently was tagged into a Facebook discussion where a woman of color posted about her personal experience with “a lot of white women” in her life. She also included statistics regarding white women who have voted against her, and their own, personal interests. A white woman, who was a self-proclaimed “ally,” made it her business to tell this woman how she “should” express herself in order to not upset other potential allies. They went back and forth quite a bit with the woman of color patiently explaining that this was her actual lived experience which was not up for debate, while the white woman kept saying that it was not good to lump “all white women” in together; something that was never said in the original post or in the statistics. In other words, the “all-white-women” interpretation, was solely that of the white woman asserting that she knew best.
Something interesting happened when I chimed in: when I pointed out to the white woman that she was not listening to what the woman of color was saying, and that it would be better for her to do that and share what she had learned with other white women, she called me “a perfect mansplainer.” When asked if she realized she had been “whitesplaining” the whole time prior, she had no response other than to keep doubling down on “not all white women.” She also told me I was reactionary, was telling her how she should express herself and had a big problem with me doing that while not seeing that she was doing the same thing. I share this experience to illustrate how obvious the disconnect can be. It is also important to note that the entire time this white woman was attempting to diminish the voice of the woman of color, she was also proclaiming her ally-ship.
The seemingly simple solution to all of this is to be willing to really get the other person’s experience without allowing any of our own judgments (about ourselves) to get in the way. However, if we don’t take the time to look at where those judgments come from, and without doing the work to disconnect from that shame, we will stay stuck with the same blind spots and continue to create division, which incidentally is another term used to control the narrative. In her self-righteousness, the white woman accused the woman of color of being divisive in her sharing of her experiences. The reality is, the failure to acknowledge and accept the woman of color’s experience is what continued to increase division.
When we are ready to truly support, we will step into being curious, which will uncover many more painful truths, such as; BIPOC already feel invisible in our culture, so attempting to tell them how to express themselves, how to dress and saying things like “I don’t see color,” further re-enforces that experience. Another of these truths is the reasoning behind why you may see “white” written as “whyte” or “yt” online. “White” triggers algorithms for hate speech, whereas “black” does not. Meaning that white people talking about black people is no big deal, but black people mentioning white people can be flagged, posts can be removed and Facebook user accounts may be suspended. The BIPOC in this country have had to find ways to maneuver around the system in order to exist. When we, collectively, are willing to acknowledge this and share it, without needing to bring our own personal emotions into the equation, then we can really move in the direction of transformation. The choice is yours: Who do you choose to be and why?
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