I’m Back With My Ex: Why This Time Will Be Different

I said never again — and I meant it. I really did. I’d made a list in my head of everything that had gone wrong, and I vowed that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. I’d chart a new course — a healthier one.

So why would I go back? Is it that I never learn my lesson? Or did enough factors change that this once bad decision became something reasonable and healthy to consider? Let’s break it down.

When Going Back to An Ex Will Be Different

I didn’t want to make those same mistakes, so I had a long and detailed process for considering the next step — and the next several steps after that. I had to be sure that I was invested in something that would inevitably go up in flames — again. While I loved reading a second-chance love story, I didn’t fully believe in them. But something changed.

I Changed

I’m not the same person as I was the last time. First of all, I’ve had intensive and extensive trauma therapy since then. Many of the things that once triggered my anxiety have been addressed and healed.

If I’m honest, everything crashed and burned last time because I didn’t take this step before. I didn’t realize that past trauma would be something that I could truly heal from; I just thought it was something I had to get over. While it certainly wasn’t the only factor in why things ended, it was one of them.

But this time will be different because I am truly different. It’s not a surface change, and I didn’t do it so that I could go back into the past and get a do-over. I legitimately made the changes to be a healthier person.

I’m Not the Only One Who Changed

If I was the only one who had changed, it would still be a bad idea to revisit the past. We can’t control other people or convince them to make the necessary changes. That’s not in our power. For anything to be different this time, the change had to come from more than just me.

Circumstances are different now. Old problems have been resolved or found new solutions. All the things that were once unhealthy have been able to grow, mature, and reach a point of progress that makes the future seem so much brighter than I could have ever imagined.

This is important. It’s a mistake to think we can carry the weight of whole relationships alone. No matter how hard we work or how willing we are to compromise, going back to revisit the past requires both parties to be willing to work toward a better, healthier future.

My Outside Supports Have Grown

When we put all of our effort and attention into one person or idea, that’s a lot of pressure. I didn’t realize that before. I don’t think I had the outside support and social network before to relieve some of that pressure. Everything was riding on this one thing going right, and I didn’t have enough support around me to balance my life.

But now I do. I’ve built a strong network of friends and family members. I’m not putting all my metaphorical eggs in a single basket. I’m not letting one thing or one relationship define me. It’s given me balance, perspective, and hope for better days ahead.

My Outside Supports Support This

It’s not just that I have a stronger support system now. I talked through this idea with my support system before I made any concrete decisions. They were unanimously in favor of it.

We all know that a healthy support system will call us out when we’re being dumb. They’ll let us know when the absolute last thing we should ever do is revisit the past. They might even refuse to hear of it because it’s so ridiculous. But when they fully support and endorse the idea, it’s a good bet that enough has changed that even the people around us think that this time will be different. They aren’t just telling us what we want to hear. They’re fully on board with the plan.

The Work Awaits, but This Time I’m Ready

I know it won’t be easy. I can’t just hit the restart button and have everything go swimmingly. That’s not realistic. I’m anticipating some ups and downs. I know there will be issues I didn’t see coming. But this time, I’m not so wrapped up in my anxiety that I can’t move forward. I feel strong, confident, and sure that this time I’m ready for whatever life is going to throw at me.

If I’m honest, I wasn’t fully ready the first time. I didn’t truly prepare myself for the tough days. I wanted every day to be just like the honeymoon period. That’s just not a practical way to live.

Moving Forward by Going Back

Let me be honest: I didn’t go back to an ex-partner. I went back to an ex-career. While I might have misrepresented this a bit initially, there’s a reason. Going back to something that we determined was a bad idea before can sometimes be a good thing later. We just need to evaluate it objectively.

When I left my role as a therapist, I was determined I’d never go back. I burned out, and I couldn’t imagine willingly choosing that path again. But I truly changed. My own experience of trauma therapy helped me see that part of the problem was the population I was working with before. It exacerbated my early trauma and made keeping healthy boundaries feel impossible. But this time, I was going into everything with a new level of healing and perspective.

With relationships, the same is true. If we haven’t changed at all, why do we think repeating the relationship will have a different outcome? It’s important to work on ourselves and not just wait for other people to be the ones to grow and change.

The work changed, too. I could see a different population. I could study different specialties. I wouldn’t be working under the same business structure I was before. I found one that was an excellent fit for my skills, personality, and interests.

When it comes to relationships, we can’t be the only ones who are putting in the effort to make things work. It can be tempting to revisit the past, but if we want it to work out, we need to choose partners who are willing to co-create healthy relationships. They have to make some changes, too, and those changes can’t be solely aimed at reigniting the relationship.

When I did counseling work before, I was in an unsupportive relationship without a lot of additional social support. When things got hard, I handled them alone. The weight of my life couldn’t sustain a stressful, challenging work environment — not when my home environment had challenges of its own. Having a large circle of support now makes it feel possible to do things I couldn’t before. I know that I’m not going to be alone when I struggle. I have people who care, and it gives me strength.

I did run this by the people in my life before I made any decisions. While they understood why I left the field, they also felt it was time to go back. Enough had changed that this time would be wholly different than the last. Their support convinced me that this wasn’t the worst idea I’d ever had. It gave me the courage to take the next steps.

In romantic relationships, it’s important not to put all the pressure on a partner to be everything to us. We need outside support. We need friends and interests. We can’t rely on one person to be everything and everyone. We also need our friends and family members to be on board with us going back to the relationship. Frankly, they often see what we’re too close to see, and if everyone thinks it’s a bad idea, it probably is. Especially if we surround ourselves with healthy people who want the best for us and want us to be healthy and happy.

I’m ready for the work. All the hoops to jump through. All the training. This time, I feel ready. Last time? I wanted to be ready — but I wasn’t.

For a former relationship to become a healthy current one, there have to be enough changes to make it work out this time. We also have to be willing to do some work because the second time around isn’t going to be any easier than the first. We might even have baggage we have to unpack first.

While I still find myself skeptical of second-chance love, I also know of people who found it. Or rather, rediscovered it. I believe it’s possible, but I do believe that we have to be honest with ourselves. Have things changed, or do we just want them to have changed enough to change the ending of that particular story?

When we badly want something, we might be wearing blinders about some of the challenges. We might feel willing to ignore certain red flags — even though we’re aware it’s not in our best interests to do so. But if we want the second chance to be the one that works, we need to investigate what’s changed and why this time will be any different.

I said I’d never be a therapist again. I was done with counseling. I burned out, and I couldn’t see a time when I wouldn’t feel that way. But everything changed, and so did I. It feels like I finally got the timing right. Now, the past is an exciting and hopeful part of my future.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

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The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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