I’m Not Anti-Relationship — I’m Just Particular

I have been through the wringer when it comes to relationships.

I’ve had my heartbroken
I’ve been abused.
I’ve been lied to.
I’ve been cheated on.
I’ve been completely and utterly unhappy.

I’ve now been single for around five years. You should see the look people give me when they find out that timespan. Don’t be mistaken, I’ve had my dates here and there. I’ve talked to men in hopes that just maybe I’ll find the perfect someone. However, it just hasn’t been in the cards for me.

(Let me insert this tidbit of information. I’m not looking for perfect. I’m doing finger quotes as I say the word perfect. I don’t want prince charming or Channing Tatum. I want something real. I want happiness with another human. That is my perfect!)

Most of the time when I choose to no longer pursue a man, one of two things have occurred:

The first is that they seem to be very controlling. They want to know why I’m not responding immediately, or why I can’t message them all day. I mean I can, but I’m not going to. Not because I’m choosing to not message them to torture them or punish them. It’s because I have a life. I’m doing things. I don’t understand why that is so hard to comprehend.
The second is that they immediately turn the conversation sexual. They start sending messages like “I’m so lonely, come over” or “You should come over and cuddle”. I’ve also gotten very blunt men that will just come out and ask me to stay the night. I’m too old for that. I don’t want to hook up anymore.

Let me explain what I’ve done over the course of 5 years. I’ve rebuilt myself inwardly. I went through a rather traumatizing depressive episode that lasted nearly three years. I think I was unhappy long before the depression sat in, but I ignored it. Over the last 5 years, I’ve come to terms with who I am and what will make me happy from a relationship. I don’t have some ridiculous list of expectations that I want in terms of physical appearance, intellect, and personality. I’m quite simple. Just be a good human. I want a man that I can depend on for the right reasons. I don’t want a man to be the reason for my own happiness. I want them to add to it.

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I see so many people that I know or don’t know on social media that are getting divorced or unhappy in their current relationships. I don’t want that. I don’t want to settle for content. I don’t want to wake up every day next to someone that I tolerate. I want the person that I marry to be my best friend. I want them to be important. And until I meet that person, I will wait.

If I end up being single the rest of my life, it won’t be because I gave up on love. It will be because I simply didn’t find anyone that added happiness to my life. I never found my best friend. My own company is truly important to me. So for me to choose someone to walk through life with, it means they are simply amazing and worth sharing moments, love, and experiences.

So when people make jokes about me being single the rest of my life, it doesn’t really bother me. At the end of the day, if I get married, it will be for the right person. I will wait for the love of my life instead of settling on second best.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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