Impulsivity, Risky Behavior, and Obsessions With Chris Lozano [Video]

By Understood

College student Chris Lozano seems calm on the outside. But on the inside, he feels “like a volcano.” He has trouble sleeping, sitting still, and stopping his mind from wandering. And often his only relief is going to the gym — to the point of obsession — or riding motorcycles. Hear how Chris came to get diagnosed with ADHD at 26 and why he went back to college to seek a career helping people like himself.

Also in this episode: Chris shares how he’s coped with substance abuse and other risky behaviors.

To find a transcript for this episode and more resources, visit the episode page at Understood. https://www.understood.org/podcast/ad…

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at [email protected].

Understood is a nonprofit and social impact organization dedicated to shaping a world where the 1 in 5 people who learn and think differently can thrive. Learn more about “ADHD Aha!” and all our podcasts at u.org/podcasts.

Copyright © 2021 Understood for All, Inc. All rights reserved. Understood is not affiliated with any pharmaceutical company.

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

0:00
we hear a lot about students with
0:01
learning and thinking differences like
0:03
adhd and dyslexia but what about working
0:06
professionals join host eleni matheo on
0:08
understood’s new podcast how’d you get
0:10
that job as she chats with people about
0:12
their unique and sometimes unexpected
0:15
career path from teachers with adhd to
0:17
writers with dyslexia each person has
0:19
their own story to tell here the advice
0:21
and strategies that help them on their
0:22
journey and the role that learning and
0:24
thinking differences played listen to
0:26
how’d you get that job wherever you get
0:28
your podcasts brought to you by the
0:30
understood podcast network
0:35
i noticed with me i couldn’t stop
0:37
thinking i can become very impulsive so
0:39
i feel like i indulge in a lot of risky
0:41
behavior like when it comes to
0:43
motorcycles or like cliff jumping and
0:45
stuff like that
0:46
it’s also difficult having a
0:48
conversation i would feel like
0:50
i’m there
0:52
like physically but my mind i would be
0:54
at three different places at the same
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time thinking about 100 different
0:57
scenarios i thought it was just
0:59
something personal that i could change
1:00
it by myself and then i realized it
1:03
wasn’t that i feel like there’s
1:04
something like chemically wrong in my
1:06
brain and then i started seeing a
1:08
therapist and then that’s when it all
1:09
started
1:10
and i was like damn i really do have it
1:13
[Music]
1:16
from the understood podcast network this
1:18
is adhd aha a podcast where people share
1:21
the moment when it finally clicked that
1:23
they or someone they know has adhd
1:26
my name is laura key i’m the editorial
1:29
director here at understood and as
1:31
someone who’s had my own adhd aha moment
1:33
i’ll be your host
1:35
[Music]
1:39
i’m here today with chris lozano chris
1:41
is a 27 year old college student who
1:43
lives in new jersey welcome chris thank
1:45
you for having me i actually wanted to
1:47
ask you about
1:48
the gym and athletics you’re a really
1:50
athletic guy aren’t you
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yes yes since i was young i’ve always
1:54
played sports like me for me i have to
1:56
stay busy where i feel like i’m going
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crazy inside going to the gym and saying
2:00
it’s very important to me i love how i
2:01
feel when i’m being active how do you
2:03
feel when you’re being active i feel
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like myself i feel like i’m okay in in a
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way i feel like i’m normal how i am in
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the gym and i am like in school or
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something’s completely different
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tell me about feeling crazy when you’re
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not working out or not at the gym what’s
2:17
that like in your body and in your brain
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on the inside i feel like a volcano
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but on the outside it looks like i’m
2:23
calm and when i’m working out or if i’m
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doing something i really enjoy i feel
2:28
normal in a sense and i know like in
2:30
today’s world like what is normal these
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days but for me i just feel like i feel
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okay i can take a step back and
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i feel relaxed because i feel like a lot
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of us don’t take the time to really tune
2:42
into our emotions so
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i feel like that’s a very important
2:46
thing for me when did you get into
2:47
sports and working out so i got into
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sports at a very young age i grew up
2:51
playing t-ball and then little league
2:53
and then i played high school and i was
2:55
like an all-around athlete from baseball
2:57
basketball and football
2:59
and um
3:01
i’m sorry was the question again i love
3:03
that i have to ask
3:04
me all the time
3:06
i was asking when did you get involved
3:08
in sports and working out
3:10
okay yeah so i got involved maybe at the
3:12
age around 10 till maybe about 17 so i
3:16
was always playing on the team you know
3:18
for the schools and then once high
3:19
school came along i think that’s when my
3:22
um adhd started settling in and that was
3:25
affecting you on the baseball field on
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the basketball court on the football
3:29
field just everything in my entire life
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yeah it’s everything i just felt like i
3:33
wasn’t myself i feel like i couldn’t
3:35
function properly i was always like just
3:37
too busy thinking very just sad that’s
3:39
why i stopped playing sports and playing
3:41
in high school you have to have good
3:42
grades to stay on the team and for the
3:45
most part i wasn’t even in school
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because i was always in therapy all the
3:48
time
3:49
and in order to stay onto the team you
3:50
have to have good grades and have a good
3:52
attendance record and for me i’m
3:54
surprised i even made it without being
3:56
held back agreed so sports was revoked
3:58
for you because of absences and grades
4:02
oh chris i’m so sorry that was your rock
4:05
was playing sports that must have been
4:07
really hard yeah and i feel like that’s
4:09
when like depression stuff all started
4:10
for me in an ideal world they would have
4:12
said well play more sports and then
4:14
we’ll get that’ll help you with your
4:15
attendance and getting your grades up
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right
4:18
do you think adhd in any way helped with
4:20
your sports performance yeah because i’m
4:22
super fast
4:24
i’m super fast with anything i do it’s
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weird like when i clean i could clean
4:28
faster than anyone i do things really
4:30
quick i really get things done for me i
4:32
was a really competitive volleyball and
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basketball player and that’s how i
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channeled a lot when i was in high
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school i didn’t know at the time that i
4:38
had adhd i didn’t even know what adhd
4:40
was but i knew that i had this ability
4:43
only when i was playing sports to like
4:45
summon up all of my focus and my energy
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and just be so intense and in it and i
4:51
couldn’t do that anywhere else yeah i
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love that intense stuff i love that too
4:55
i love it when were you diagnosed with
4:57
adhd over a year ago what was it
5:00
specifically that led you to pursue an
5:02
evaluation i noticed with me i couldn’t
5:04
stop thinking not being able to focus my
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thoughts are scattered all the time i
5:10
feel like i have hyperactivity and
5:12
impulsiveness i can become very
5:13
impulsive i’m not able to sit still for
5:15
long periods of time i feel like i need
5:17
to do stuff like that when it comes to
5:18
motorcycles or like cliff jumping and
5:20
stuff like that to feel like who i am
5:23
you know i definitely had the simpsons
5:24
but i never really got it checked out i
5:26
thought it was just something personal
5:28
that i could change it by myself
5:31
and i felt like i could try harder and
5:32
keep on trying and i feel like i could
5:34
just overcome it on my own
5:36
and then i realized it wasn’t that i
5:38
feel like there’s something like
5:39
chemically wrong in my brain and then i
5:41
started seeing a therapist he would say
5:43
you know i feel like you may have adhd
5:47
and then that’s when it all started
5:49
and i was like damn i really do have it
5:50
it sounds like both your body and your
5:52
mind
5:53
feel like they’re driven by a motor i
5:55
can feel all the gears working i feel
5:58
like it’s going a thousand miles an hour
6:00
is it overwhelming yep
6:02
i feel exhausted a lot of the times but
6:04
you know it’s very hard to manage just
6:06
just daily tasks
6:08
i feel like i’m putting all this extra
6:09
effort just to do normal daily tasks and
6:12
it’s just overwhelming
6:14
it’s like like what’s wrong with me why
6:15
can’t i just handle like normal heavy
6:18
stuff you know
6:19
it’s like it’s very exhausting yeah what
6:22
kind of stuff like laundry
6:25
or folding clothes or homework
6:28
vacuuming cleaning up my room
6:31
washing dishes
6:33
mm-hmm it’s just
6:35
it’s hard
6:37
it’s a real thing do you ever have
6:38
trouble sleeping all the time it’s
6:40
either i sleep around three four a.m or
6:42
i don’t sleep at all and it’s crazy
6:44
because
6:45
i feel super tired but i can’t sleep no
6:48
matter how tired i feel i just can’t
6:50
sleep like just last night yeah i slept
6:52
around like 3 30 4 a.m
6:54
and then i woke up at 6 30
6:57
and i tried going back to see but it
6:58
just started up here and then i was like
7:00
i’m gonna go to the gym and you said
7:01
started up here you’re pointing at your
7:03
head is your mind wandering right now
7:06
yes
7:07
yep what are you thinking about i won’t
7:09
be offended i’m thinking about what i’m
7:11
gonna eat the things i have to do later
7:13
on today i’m thinking about school i
7:15
actually have to go to my school later
7:17
on today to get some work done because i
7:19
feel like i have to go places all the
7:21
time no matter where i am i can’t be in
7:24
the same place for a long period of time
7:25
i always have to keep it moving
7:28
[Music]
7:34
do you feel like you are to the point of
7:37
maybe even being obsessed with sports
7:39
and working out oh yeah 100 100 that’s
7:41
my daily i have to go to the gym
7:43
tomorrow that’s like food and water to
7:44
me and what happens if you don’t oh i
7:46
just feel super down
7:48
i just feel super down
7:50
you mentioned that you’re interested in
7:52
taking medication yeah i’m actually on
7:54
medication yeah is it helping you yeah
7:56
100 i feel like with the thoughts it
7:58
definitely slowed down i feel like
8:00
they’re more under control
8:02
and i mean i still feel anxious but it’s
8:04
just it’s not as bad as before so like
8:06
you know going to therapy so i’m
8:08
learning a lot of coping skills
8:10
and you know i’m just learning just to
8:11
take just take everything just one thing
8:13
at a time you know try not to overwhelm
8:15
myself which i do all the time therapy
8:17
and medication is definitely helping me
8:19
and i remember before even when in my
8:20
younger years i was so against taking
8:23
medication because i felt weak and i
8:25
came to an area to the point where i
8:26
couldn’t do it on my own anymore so i
8:28
had to reach out for help
8:29
good for you where do you think it comes
8:31
from that feeling of being weak for
8:34
taking medication i think it’s an ego
8:36
thing i feel like i didn’t need outside
8:40
stuff to make me feel better i’m very
8:43
hard on myself i think that’s what it is
8:45
i’m very hard on myself i’m like my own
8:47
worst critic
8:48
i’m just super hard on myself and i
8:49
don’t need to be that does anyone else
8:51
know that you take adhd medication
8:53
there’s only a few people that know and
8:56
now that i’ve been diagnosed i still
8:57
don’t even tell people i felt like if i
8:59
were to tell people they would start
9:00
treating me differently what about your
9:02
family are they supportive i don’t know
9:04
out of my family i was always a black
9:06
sheep so how so what’s your family like
9:08
oh we’re all good it’s just you know i’m
9:10
very outspoken so you know if i don’t
9:13
agree with things or if i feel like i’m
9:15
right or i feel like things aren’t the
9:17
way it’s supposed to be i’m very
9:18
outspoken so i would say i’m very like
9:20
problematic in a way but i really stand
9:23
for my beliefs and with some people they
9:26
don’t take that well when you speak up
9:27
for yourself is problematic a word that
9:29
you’re using for yourself or that
9:31
someone else has used someone else are
9:34
you comfortable saying who it’s
9:35
definitely my family to be honest
9:38
growing up i just felt like my idea of a
9:40
family wasn’t what it was growing up and
9:44
i like for me what i realized what i saw
9:46
that’s not what i wanted to be that’s
9:48
how i became the person i am today how
9:50
do you feel about the path that you’re
9:52
on right now with adhd and coping with
9:55
your with your thoughts once i got
9:57
diagnosed i felt like finally i feel
9:59
like everything started to make sense
10:00
now like for the first time in a very
10:01
long time i felt understood like i felt
10:04
like damn like i knew i knew it was
10:06
something but i just didn’t know what it
10:07
was or i was just too i was just in
10:09
denial of it and then you know once i
10:11
started taking it seriously
10:13
i was just like wow like everything
10:14
started to make sense like i felt
10:16
understood like for like the first time
10:19
ever are you kinder to yourself now yeah
10:23
in the past i
10:24
i did a lot of like self-harm
10:27
and sorry i felt like i was always like
10:29
punishing myself or
10:31
i just felt like nothing just made sense
10:33
and then i don’t do that anymore and i’m
10:34
just i’m definitely
10:36
a lot easier on myself i’m trying to
10:37
love myself more so
10:39
compulsions and some obsessions is that
10:42
right
10:43
what kinds of things well you mentioned
10:44
self-harm like cutting i had a history
10:47
of substance abuse
10:48
and i just i feel like i did those
10:50
things to like try to maybe escape from
10:52
reality in a way or like to cope a
10:54
negative way to cope but cutting for me
10:56
it was the emotional pain was just too
10:59
much to bear so i received the physical
11:01
pain outweighed that
11:03
and you know with the substance abuse i
11:05
just felt like i was always trying to
11:07
find something to escape to like from
11:10
other people’s perspective they thought
11:12
of it as
11:13
like trying to do it for attention and
11:15
then i was like that makes zero sense to
11:17
me and honestly i just couldn’t help it
11:20
i couldn’t i feel like i wasn’t in
11:21
control of like of what i was doing
11:25
thank you for sharing that and i’m
11:26
really sorry that you’ve gone through
11:28
that if i’m channeling some of the
11:30
experts that we work with it’s that need
11:32
for stimulation that need to satisfy and
11:34
crave
11:35
does that make sense to you yeah i think
11:38
that’s why i like i indulge in such
11:40
intense behaviors i feel like like when
11:43
i mentioned earlier about like when it
11:44
comes to like my motorcycle like i love
11:46
going fast like i love stuff like that i
11:49
don’t know maybe since i’m an adrenaline
11:50
junkie or i just love stuff like going
11:52
fast or like jumping off a cliff or my
11:55
friends would be afraid to i’m like just
11:56
not going to be afraid just jump why do
11:58
stuff like normally people don’t do and
12:00
they think like damn wow like you’re
12:02
pretty ballsy i’m just like i just
12:03
that’s just how i own there have been
12:05
some studies that have shown that taking
12:08
adhd medication which is obviously a
12:10
very personal decision and it’s not for
12:12
everybody but taking adhd medication can
12:15
reduce the risk of substance abuse in
12:17
people with adhd do you feel like that
12:19
has helped you
12:21
yeah tremendously
12:26
[Music]
12:34
it sounds like you’re a really brave
12:35
person and i’m not talking about you
12:38
know jumping off cliffs and going fast
12:39
on your motorcycles i’m talking about
12:42
talking about this openly
12:43
and going to therapy to really
12:46
work it out yeah my goal with this or
12:48
like you know friends like people i talk
12:49
to i just want to help people that
12:51
aren’t asking for help or they’re too
12:53
afraid to ask for help because like i’ve
12:55
been there and
12:56
it sucks feeling that way and i just
12:58
want to reach as many people as i can i
13:00
know what it feels like to struggle i
13:02
know there’s people struggling still and
13:04
i think it’s important to take mental
13:05
health and therapy and stuff like that
13:07
super seriously because this is like
13:09
your life you’re talking about and you
13:10
only have one shot at this so you want
13:12
to make the best of it
13:13
i’m just processing everything you’re
13:15
saying chris because
13:16
it’s a lot and it’s just reminding me
13:18
how serious adhd
13:21
can be it’s real
13:23
it affects
13:25
decision making
13:27
it affects your brain it affects
13:31
your relationships
13:34
yeah
13:35
are you okay
13:37
yeah
13:39
i’m okay
13:41
i’m here i just feel bad because i
13:43
remember seeing signs when i was younger
13:44
i remember being in middle school and i
13:46
remember walking around all the time too
13:47
but i just never thought it was serious
13:49
you know and then i don’t know why but i
13:52
just waited so long just to ask for help
13:54
and i look back at the younger me i’m
13:55
saying damn i wish i was more aware i
13:57
wish someone else saw like what i was
13:58
doing or took his years so i can get
14:00
help at a younger age but you know
14:02
there’s no point in doing that because
14:03
you’re just making it worse but just
14:05
looking back i’m just like damn i feel
14:06
bad for my younger self for sure you
14:08
know maybe maybe if i got it earlier i
14:10
probably would have been on a better
14:10
path but that’s okay because i feel like
14:12
the road i definitely been on this have
14:13
definitely made me the person i am today
14:15
i’m definitely not as fearful anymore i
14:17
feel like i go after what i want
14:20
and i feel like i very i have very
14:21
strong problem solving skills i don’t
14:23
like the let’s get straight to
14:24
the point do you think that’s a strength
14:26
that’s emerged from what you’ve coped
14:28
with through adhd 100 100 yes you know
14:31
it can be painful to look back and
14:33
wonder how things could have been
14:35
different if you hadn’t noticed things
14:36
but remember you were just a kid yeah i
14:38
felt like the treatment i got was just
14:40
like i don’t know they’re like oh
14:41
nothing’s wrong with you you’re just
14:42
you’re just acting out and stuff like
14:44
that does your family believe that adhd
14:46
is real my parents are very
14:47
old-fashioned so i feel like they feel
14:49
like
14:50
you just you just gotta try harder you
14:51
just gotta think more positive i’m
14:53
saying yeah yeah i wish it was that it
14:55
was it’s easier said than done and
14:56
that’s just how they are they’re very
14:58
just always cool traditional do what
14:59
you’re supposed to do and everything
15:00
would be okay
15:02
that’s not like the case yeah it’s
15:04
amazing how those things sink into our
15:06
bones right i feel like that’s where i
15:07
got it from me that’s why i was so hard
15:08
on myself because i think if i just work
15:10
hard or if i try harder you know if i do
15:12
more if i put more effort i just like it
15:14
which is never enough yeah between the
15:17
the exercising and like first of all
15:19
your self-awareness of what you need
15:21
to function and to function well
15:24
is really incredible chris so you’ve got
15:27
your working out
15:28
you’ve got therapy
15:30
you’ve got adhd medication
15:32
and you’ve got your amazing brain that
15:34
can do really amazing things when you
15:36
know channeled the way that you want it
15:38
to be channeled i think that’s exciting
15:40
yeah for sure i’m also a psychology
15:43
major and i feel like my purpose is to
15:45
help people like you and i and i want to
15:48
reach out to not just kids but even
15:50
adults that are still not asking for
15:52
help
15:53
and you know it’s okay to ask for help
15:54
you know that’s my purpose you’re a
15:57
psychology major i didn’t know that
16:00
what a wonderful
16:02
choice for you is there a particular
16:04
profession that you want to be in yeah
16:06
so counseling but i’ve been through a
16:08
lot of stuff so i feel like my
16:09
experiences can help a lot of people i
16:11
feel like just don’t do what i did and
16:13
you’ll be okay
16:15
in a funny way
16:16
i understand that feeling but you know
16:18
look at where you are whatever you did
16:20
got you here and i just i have chills
16:23
right now i i i didn’t know that you
16:25
were
16:26
studying psychology
16:28
what an amazing path i’m sitting here
16:30
talking to you and i’m just thinking i
16:32
if i could talk to this person every
16:33
single day
16:34
get my two-minute dose of chris
16:37
that i would probably
16:38
feel okay yeah that’s funny i’m starting
16:41
to hear that a lot who else tells you
16:43
that oh friends do they come to you with
16:46
how they’re feeling a lot yeah they come
16:47
to me for advice i hear from a lot of
16:49
people i’m a very good listener i’m very
16:51
i’m very easy to talk to is what they
16:52
say well let me tell you if this is you
16:55
with your mind wandering a little bit in
16:57
the background i can’t tell i just want
16:59
you to know that i know that you will
17:00
become a successful counselor and help a
17:02
lot of people i think you’re going to be
17:04
really effective and help a lot of
17:05
people chris yeah i believe that too i
17:07
feel like being vulnerable is the most
17:09
important thing when it comes to people
17:10
and when people are vulnerable you can
17:12
learn from that it has been so lovely to
17:14
talk to you oh likewise so it was fun
17:20
[Music]
17:25
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17:27
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apple spotify or anywhere you get your
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podcasts and if you like what you heard
17:36
today tell someone about the show we
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rely on listeners like you to reach and
17:41
support more people
17:42
and if you want to share your own aha
17:44
moment email us at adhd aha at
17:48
understood.org
17:49
i’d love to hear from you you can go to
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u.org
17:53
adhd aha to find details on each episode
17:56
and related resources that’s the letter
17:59
u as an understood dot o r g slash adhd
18:04
aha understood as a non-profit and
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social impact organization
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we have no affiliation with
18:10
pharmaceutical companies
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learn more at understood.org
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mission
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adhd aha is produced by jessamine mali
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say hi jessamine hi everyone justin d
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wright created our music seth melnick
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and brianna berry are our production
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directors scott cochier is our creative
18:29
director
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and i’m your host laura key editorial
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director at understood thanks so much
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for listening
18:36
[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
19:09
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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