Online dating has changed the way we form relationships. You no longer meet people in real life before going on a proper date. You chat on an app for a few days, then you get an invite to go to dinner.
Or do you?
A lot of the time, the first date is also your first time meeting the other person in real life. It’s stressful and scary. A lot of people prefer to meet for the first time in a more casual setting. So, they suggest a coffee date, a drink, or a walk.
Since it’s usually the man who suggested the date, it’s perceived as a demonstration of his character. It’s all part of the first impression he makes, before having even met the person. For some, suggesting something low-key for a first date is a sign he lacks commitment and is unwilling to put in the effort. I used to think that too, but I don’t anymore. I see value in the pre-date, especially when meeting people on dating apps.
Defining the pre-date
So what is a pre-date, other than not dinner and a movie? It’s more of the first meeting between two people who have never seen each other in real life. It’s done in a more casual setting, like a bar, a coffee shop, or a park. You can get more creative if you want. The key is to do something casual and not too time-consuming. I suggest having an actual time frame in mind.
The pre-date is just your first time meeting. It’s not your actual first date, at least not in my opinion. It’s a way to see it the two of you hit it off face to face. The impression you have of a person in real life and online can be wildly different.
Why I think it’s a good idea
I had a change of heart about the pre-date when I started talking to someone on Tinder whom I was truly interested in. I wanted to make sure he was as awesome in real life as he seemed online.
We had the first meeting a few days before the date and I think it was a good idea for many reasons.
1. You get to avoid the catfish
This one is fairly obvious. Maybe your potential date straight-up used another person’s picture, or they used old pictures or ones that aren’t representative of what they actually look like.
This may sound shallow, but physical attraction is a big factor in our choice of partner. At least with the pre-date, you don’t have to get through an entire evening with someone you see no future with. Besides, would you really want to date someone who lied to you right off the bat?
2. It’s easier to pick up a vibe
I’m a huge advocate for trusting your guts. Every time I ignored my intuitions about a person, I regretted it. It’s much easier to do in real life than online.
Let’s face it. A lot of people lie to get a date. Other than catfishing, they might be hiding their true intention or personalities. They may have an awful attitude towards women. They may be entitled assholes.
Hopefully, you can pick it up when meeting for the first time and run for the hills. It can be very subtle. Trust your guts.
I’m not saying the pre-date will automatically keep you safe or rid you of bad people. It’s not a miracle, otherwise, everyone would do it. But it’s an extra step in the screening process that can help you have a good date later on.
Even if they aren’t ill-intent, it doesn’t mean it will work. Everyone shows the best of themselves on dating apps. We don’t tend to talk about our flaws out front. It’s something we let others discover.
It can be glaringly obvious when meeting someone in real life that you simply wouldn’t be able to endure them. Better to be able to cut the meeting short.
Talking to someone by text, you miss out on non-verbal cues, which are a big part of communication. It’s hard to know what someone really means only by text. Maybe you both interpreted each other wrong and that your personalities just aren’t a good fit.
Sometimes, two people just don’t click in real life, and that’s fine.
3. You don’t have to sit on a long, awkward date
It may sound harsh, but no one wants to lose their entire evening entertaining someone they don’t like. This doesn’t guarantee you’ll like the person more whether you have a pre-date or not. But it does get catfish out of the way, as well as people with a bad vibe and people you just don’t click with.
As a bonus, you’ve already broken the ice a bit for the real first date, which will in turn be less awkward.
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How I used the pre-date
I wouldn’t recommend something I haven’t tried. My boyfriend and I met on Tinder. We talked for a bit and really hit it off. When it came time to met him in real life, I was very nervous.
I suggested we go to a climate march. I live in a small town, so it was going to be one hour top, on the lunch break. It ticked off all the boxes for a pre-date:
- Casual
- In a public setting
- Specific time frame
And as a bonus, it was for a social issue dear to my heart and I got to see if it was for him too. He brought slogan signs.
It was the perfect first meeting. Obviously, we really hit it off. The week after, we went to a good restaurant for our official first date and we’ve been together ever since.
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I’m not arguing that you should accept the pre-date for the reason listed above. If you’d rather go all out for the first meeting, you do you. Everyone is entitled to their preferences and boundaries.
Dating is hard and not as fun as it seems. I’m just sharing what worked for me. Maybe the pre-date can also work for you. I view it as a great way to meet someone for the first time before launching into dating. It can save you time and heartache in the long run.
Happy dating!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
