My wife felt unsafe because she could no longer trust me.
She didn’t feel unsafe because she thought I would physically hurt her or because she thought I couldn’t protect her if someone else tried.
She didn’t stop trusting me because she worried I might have sex with someone else.
My wife stopped trusting me because she determined that I could not be counted on to be the partner she needed. As a parent. As a housemate. As a lover. As a financial partner.
It wasn’t the big things that brought her to that point. There often aren’t big things in marriage.
It was the little things. Often, it is the little things that scratch and claw and chip away at the integrity of a marriage until the union and its participants look nothing like they did when first formed.
She was a youthful, fun, vibrant, happy, joyful young woman.
She grew tired, weary, anxious, frightened, sad and angry.
I begged and pleaded for the girl I knew to come back once I stopped recognizing her. I grew sad and angry when she couldn’t or wouldn’t. I blamed her for not trying.
But I think maybe she wanted to. I think she wanted to feel like her old self again. But she simply couldn’t.
Because she couldn’t trust me.
So she kept her guard up.
Because she didn’t feel safe.
Men (I) Have a Problem
And I think maybe women have this same problem but because of the state of the world in which we live (where men sometimes literally believe they’re better than women), I think the male version is worse.
Men think and feel and experience the world around them in certain ways. We experience things, see things, hear things, digest information, and come to what we consider to be very rational, very logical, very sensible, very correct conclusions.
When you think you’re right, everyone who doesn’t see things the same way must be wrong. Thus, your wife or girlfriend is “wrong” A LOT.
For example, despite loving our wives, forsaking all others, being willing to die for them, and spending every day trying to earn more money and respect and admiration for and from them, our wives often FEEL unloved.
And because we don’t think it makes sense for them to feel unloved based on all the things I just listed—because we think it’s crazy, irrational and unreasonable—we pretty much ignore all suggestions to the contrary.
I am mocking and sarcastic. It is a brand of humor my friends and I have enjoyed for as long as I can remember. When I call my male friend a name or laugh at him about something, it is understood that he is my friend, he is loved and respected, and that by virtue of me wanting to be around him and wanting him to be part my social circle, that the comments and laughter are in fun and not mean-spirited.
My wife did not appreciate my mockery and sarcasm directed toward her. She was my wife and deserved a higher standard of treatment, she said.
She was right.
I accidentally hurt her feelings a lot. I NEVER did it on purpose. So I always got pissed when she’d get mad at me over something I did unintentionally.
But.
The “intent” argument only works the first time.
If you’re out hunting and you fire a shot that accidentally kills someone in a nearby home you didn’t realize was there, you are unlikely to be charged with murder or homicide. Because it was an accident.
But if you go out hunting again to that same spot and accidentally kill a second person due to negligence? Have fun in prison.
My crime wasn’t hurting my wife’s feelings the first time. An accidental one-time offense is almost always forgivable. My crime was hurting my wife’s feelings repeatedly, even after she explained why it was happening.
Because I don’t respond to things the same way she does, I never really changed, and expected her to adjust to my “correct” way of thinking and feeling and behaving.
Go ahead and keep that up guys and let me know how it works out for you.
She’s going to fall in love and have sex with someone else, and she’s probably going to tell him and her friends what a chump you are.
You’re not going to like it.
The Thing About Trust
I don’t like to sound like I know everything, because I don’t know anything about you or your life or what you think and feel.
But what I think I’ve learned is that when I feel and experience something, I can feel confident that MANY others have felt and experienced it too. Because we’re not so different, you and me.
I think most men think about trust in the context of infidelity.
I think one of the major hang ups guys have about committing to a relationship or to marriage when they’re young is that by doing so, they’re effectively promising to never have sex with anyone else again. I don’t know whether men like variety or options or freedom or what, but that’s a big deal when we’re younger.
I thought of marriage mostly as agreeing to a permanent girlfriend. By agreeing to marriage in my early twenties, I thought I was agreeing to have an exclusive relationship with my girlfriend forever and to not have sex with anyone else.
And that’s dangerous because a girlfriend isn’t that important and is reasonably easy to replace.
A wife?
In some respects (if you meant your vows) is irreplaceable and a piece of your soul gets poisoned and dies when you lose that fundamental part of you.
You take it for granted. You take her for granted.
Like your eyesight. Or functioning legs.
But they’re really important.
And you figure it out when they’re gone.
The trust is rarely about whether she worries about you cheating.
It’s more about whether she can trust you to not hurt her emotionally. About whether she can trust you to help her by not sabotaging her efforts to keep your house clean, or to plan activities with family and friends, or to be a reliable parenting partner.
We had this little stand in our bedroom. I have this thing—especially with jeans—where I wear them once or twice and consider them too clean for the laundry basket, but too dirty to fold and put away. Laundry limbo, if you will. I used to throw them on this stand in the back of our room.
She didn’t like it because it made the room look disorganized and she prided herself on a clean and tidy home.
She’d get mad at me because I kept thoughtlessly doing it even after repeated attempts to get me to stop.
Men think: Why’s she making a federal case about this? Is a pair of jeans sitting out somewhere in my bedroom where no visitors come really THAT big of a deal?
We rationalize it with our sensible, logical brains. And we don’t necessarily work very hard to change the behavior because: “She’s not going to leave me over laundry!”
No. She’s not going to leave you over laundry.
She’s going to leave you because she can’t trust you to be her partner because you don’t even respect her enough to put your laundry-limbo jeans in a different location.
“If I can’t trust him with this little teeny-tiny thing,” she thinks, “how can I ever trust him with my heart?”
You’re Like a Child
And in EVERY other situation in life, I’d tell you that’s a good thing. Kids laugh 200-300 times a day and love life and are happy and innocent and free. Adults are miserable.
We must never stop playing and laughing and dreaming and seeking fun and adventure.
But in a marriage? Being like a child is bad. That’s why children can’t and don’t get married.
Your wife used to be a girl.
The girl you fell in love with because she was beautiful and fun and playful and wanted you and made you feel good.
And now she doesn’t act like that anymore. She’s worn out. Angry. Short-tempered. Frustrated. Disinterested in your penis. And seems to not even like or respect you anymore.
And now you’re angry and resentful, because your mom never treated your dad like this, or because you thought she was just going to take care of you the way your mother always did.
You’re angry because you haven’t changed that much, but she has, and you feel cheated because she said “I do” and now she’s acting like the man she married isn’t good enough.
You feel unwanted, disrespected, and ashamed.
But, probably without realizing it, you did it to yourself.
Because you have a home, and finances, and maybe children or pets or possessions of significance. You’re not kids anymore. But you still act like one. When you playfully mock your friends or your wife. When you leave your pants out, or a dish in the sink, or forget to do that thing you promised on your way home.
And all these little things add up.
Why are you making such a big deal about this! you wonder.
And now she CAN’T be a kid anymore. She can’t play and laugh and live carefree anymore. Because you are. And if she does it too, nothing will ever get done.
The clothes will never get washed. Meals will never be made. The kids will never have what they need.
You refused to take the next step.
So she HAD to.
And now she’s angry, resentful, sad and afraid.
Because you’ve left all the adult work to her.
But, more importantly?
You left her with no choices. And now she doesn’t get to be who she used to be.
And you want that girl back.
But she can’t come back.
Because there’s no such thing as time travel.
But the clock’s still ticking.
◊♦◊
Photo: Shutterstock
This essay originally appeared on Must Be This Tall To Ride.
Read Matthew Fray every week here on The Good Men Project!
Exactly.
Omg. Brilliant.
Hey Mathew, grow the fuck up will ya.
Men have a roll.
Women have a roll.
We do our shit, they do their shit.
No?
Then no more interaction needed.
MGTOW and done.
Men should not behave like kids.
Women should not behave like kids.
WE ARE FUCKING ADULTS.
Damn. DAMN.
Wow, well said men need to stop being so selfish and remember it’s a two way street. That girl is there so protect her and love her with all you have!! Love is forgiving!
“men sometimes literally believe they’re better than women” – how can most men believe this when everything we strive for comes down to pleasing our partner to the best of our ability. ” everyone who doesn’t see things the same way must be wrong. Thus, your wife or girlfriend is “wrong” A LOT.” – this would really only be the case for a narcissist, what man has not been PROVEN wrong on many occasions, that should be a wakeup call, hell isn’t not even a wakeup call it’s something you instinctively know. ” our wives often FEEL unloved.” – realistically… Read more »
Oo, I just realized I commented on this before. So Mr. Wonderful thinks he has finally figured things out based on the shit storm he caused. I would hope any potential partners for this guy reads this and goes nowhere near this guy.
He sounds like he’s gained some wisdom. It’s people with no personal accountability that should be avoided. Everyone makes mistakes, but not all of us learn from them. Kudos to the author for taking personal stock. I hope things work out well for you.
This is a brilliant account and reflects exactly what happened in my marriage, now over. It is very eloquently put and it helps me articulate the decent into hopelessness which I sometimes try to explain to people. ?
Also, regarding the title.
“In Marriage, He Refused to Change—and That Cost Him Everything, Starting with Trust”
What’s the mark of a trustworthy man?
I would wage that the mark of a trustworthy man is his ability to stick to his own word, much more than his inclination to adjust to other’s.
Oh dear, FlyingKal. Good luck with that theory.
I just wonder, which one of you changed after the wedding?
It seems to me that you were pretty clearly a pair of mismatched personalities from the get-go. If among other things your wife didn’t appreciate your style of mockery and sarcasm, it should have been an issue already during your dating phase, no?
That’s amazing Matthew!! How do you understand women so much so? Wonderful article, every men should read it.
wash your own clothes, cook your own meals and your kids, clean the house too. Why should she do it all? it’s not 1960. then stop bashing yourself because you feel guilty for letting her take care of you. she doesn’t want to be mom to the kids and you and i don’t blame her. but you letting her play victim to your villain is not helping either.
Grow up jeff kahn, she isn’t playing anything. He is acknowledging how is refusal to compromise resulted in her inability to count on him. This was very well considered and written. I once asked my ex to stop throwing his dirty clothes on the floor and instead walk them to the laundry basket. He refused. That is disrespectful. I did not complain about washing his clothes or cooking his meals or caring for our children, I wanted him to help in the ways that he could and he essentially said “NO, I do not respect you, that is your job”.… Read more »
You ex threw dirty clothes on the floor. What was he, 13 years old, what an imbecile.
Sorry but you won’t get away with this either. You can’t wish for love out of thin air, cry when you don’t get it and then somehow reason your way into it being someone else’s fault. No one is responsible for anyone’s happiness; if you being as you doesn’t make someone happy, then that’s tough. If you are abusive that’s another story, but not making someone happy does not qualify as abuse. And, just like with abuse, the other party can sometimes be enabling, whether this is putting up with the abuse and expecting it to stop or just simply… Read more »
I feel this man wrote Word for Word about my man. I am at the point of leaving because I am SO tired.
If you must, you must, T. Trust me. Been there done that. Leaving cost me a lot, even bankruptcy, but i did it. Life is short, happiness elusive, pain inevitable. Leaving was one of the worst times of my life, but in doing so I was able to seek out that happiness. I met my current wife (24 years now), and we’ve never looked back, our only regret being that we’d not met each other sooner. Take the shot, take the chance. You don’t want to wake up one day, old and gray, having lived a life unfulfilled, or worse.… Read more »
I asked my husband for a separation. After 3 weeks, he’d done nothing to get me back. He is not a bad man. Actually, he’s sweet and kind and funny. And broken, checked out and self-absorbed. He WOULD NOT put me first. I pleaded with him, told him EXACTLY what I needed him to do (ex. stand up from the sofa and take a walk with me in the evening, make a reservation for dinner every couple of weeks, walk the dog…). It has been so difficult. It has been heart-wrenching and heart-breaking. I have cried so much that I… Read more »
All adult relationships are 50/50 responsibility. There are no exceptions to this rule. EVER. There is what happens to you, and how you choose to respond to that. The same applies to your partner. Nobody is perfect. Play off each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Trust comes from consistency. Trust does not come from truth, nor honesty, nor from being a nice person. It comes only from being consistent. Being reliable. We all have unique traits. My sarcastic humor does not appeal to everyone. I seek to understand other people’s positions and adjust my own behavior where it is appropriate to… Read more »
Well, this article makes a lot of assumptions. Especially in modern relationships. I’m a man. I’m the major bread winner, I cook, take care of the kids and I’m the only one who shows any interest in making my house a decent place to live in. After 7 years of doing this I’m beginning to question what exactly my wife contributes to the marriage! And yet she’s “disappointed” and “unhappy”. Why? Because she wants to control what I do with money, what I do with friends, when I come home, etc. And I see the same with many of my… Read more »
Read my reply to “Tired” above, Chris.
Trust me, you are not alone in this.
Think about what it would be like to leave this relationship, to go out and seek that woman that you’ve been thinking about your entire life, a woman that gets you, that you look forward to coming home to each day.
I used to dread going up the driveway, wondering what the problem would be today. Now I smile every time I do. Was like a weight off of my shoulders.
Sometimes its not about changing yourself, but your world.
@Chris R, Leave. Now. No wait, RUN. Seriously this controlling will destroy your soul. Been there, done that, never again.
Dear Chris, sorry you feel like you have drawn the short straw. As a woman I can see you’re a man who is trying. But emotional connection is an elusive thing to many men and some women too. It requires an eagerness and ability to place yourself in your partner’s shoes and then confirm with her if you’ve understood her correctly and asking her if she knows how she could be helped to feel better. I guess what I am saying is that despite your efforts you have not hit the spot she needs you to. Do keep trying a… Read more »
I would say go to marital counseling she is showing signs of controling behavior. a good therapist should be able to point this out. His needs her needs is a great book to read and has a survey to get to what is her most important need and your also. My guess is its conversation for her. Imago therapy also would benefit you both to communicate effectively. Sit down with her and write a marriage mission statement you will start to then have an aspiration to work towards. Good luck Relationships are work past year 7.
Being a good partner means honoring who you are and your own needs as much as it means listening when your wife is asking you to do the same for her. You continue to do more than you should. Your needs are not being prioritized. You have the power to change your situation. Change happens when people get uncomfortable. It sounds like your wife is very comfortable. Just as the man who wrote this article was in his relationship. Set the standard by loving and respecting yourself in the same way you seeking love and respect from your wife. She’ll… Read more »
There are times in my life when I question exactly how I came to the conclusion that relationships with women were a complete waste of time and energy.
And then I read articles by Mr. Fray on how his wife equated trust with moving articles of clothing and then I am reminded. Thank you for that, sir.
When you think so highly of yourself and your opinions that you deliberately do things that others say hurt them, you are not a good man.
…….a good [person].
Mr Fray, this resonates with me so deeply. In my case it wasn’t his humour but his constant anger that wore down our family until it was too late to retrieve. He just didn’t see it. It wasn’t his fault, but I couldn’t stay in that toxic atmosphere. I’m pleased to say that he got help and we’ve stayed friends, and stayed close as a family.
Sounds like you married your mom, then spent your entire marriage trying to live up to her expectations rather then your own. I know guys just like you. They are married, and they and their wives are like book-ends, because they are compatible, and were from the get-go. My only demand in our relationship was that she never, not ever try to change me in any way because each time she did she’d be moving me one step further away from the man she fell in love with, but then I was my authentic self from the very first day,… Read more »
The point exactly. Women marry a man hoping to change him and they won’t and a man will marry a woman hoping she never change and she does.
The two best things I ever heard about marriage was on the tom leykis show. 1 women if you want us to be good husbands then you don’t get fat, cut your hair short, bitch about problems that you have no intention of fixing or changing and most important keep having sex with us like you did when we dating. 2. Women look at a wedding as the end while men look at as the beginning which explains why MEN, NOT WOMEN, are actually more emotionally hurt by a divorce than women. Research by a female,not male, phd just published… Read more »
Brian, This is the totally lame nonsense that get men in the pickle in the first place. Your reply lacks any substance whatsoever. Two thirds of Americans are fat. So, that means there are just as many fat ass men as women. So, I guess your fat ass guy thinks he should have his thin sexy wife? Right? While he sits on his lazy boring ass sucking down brew, farting, wearing his shitty cargo shorts, socks and sandals, spitting in the damn sink, tossing his clothes all over the place, being unkept half the damn time….That’s a guy I am… Read more »
Thank you Jules, you put it much more diplomatically than I did.
I’m sorry the only girl you married is fat and you have to clean the house. Maybe you will find a spine one day and become a man.
One I am not married. My ex wife was a size 4. My current gf is a size 10. She is just lovely and so is the sex.
Two, I own a own that I have weekly maid service clean. But, i do keep it sanitary otherwise.
Three, I was raised with spine and backbone.
Bravo!
(I am not sure if that is an English word.)
“If you are a man of character, you will want to live in a clean and well kept home. You will want your family to live in a clean and well kept home. You will want to help out around YOUR home. You will want to help with YOUR kids. You will know where to put YOUR dirty damn clothes (how about a hamper). You will make sure YOUR wife is NOT overburdened. You will make sure the household budget is done each and every month. You will make sure the bills are paid on time. You will openly and… Read more »
Brian, you sound like a douchebag.
truth hurts get over it.
Well, this hits painfully close to home. This is practically a narrative of my five year marriage (which ended in divorce). David makes a valid point that this article seems to put all the onus on the man to change, but if I’m receiving the whole message correctly, it’s that LIFE has changed, your (wife, GF, SO, …) has changed with it, and you’re still doing your own thing. Is the right answer that she honors who you are? Or that you adjust to her need for control, validation, etc.? Either way, I’m off of marriage! Thank you for the… Read more »
As a person with a sarcastic sense of humour, I can relate. Somewhat. When you’re in an intimate setting, at home, with your life partner, your guard is down. Sarcasm can very quickly feel like gaslighting. It’s not hard to see hurt on the face of someone you love & know intimately. I stopped. PDQ. I don’t think us sarcastic types are callous, as you say, your friends all know the score. But if they lived with you, things would ‘feel’ different, & constant jibes can feel like you’re target practice. I’m sorry you had to get to a really… Read more »
The musings of another cuckhold man in America. “My wife did not appreciate my mockery and sarcasm directed toward her. She was my wife and deserved a higher standard of treatment, she said.” Do you have any clue just how often married men are mocked and ridiculed by the their wives? Just listen to some of the conversations married women have about their husbands in the workplace. Oh but I forgot….It’s the fault of those men. Right? “But, probably without realizing it, you did it to yourself.” Yep! Always the man’s fault.. Here is the thing Mr. Fray….Men need to… Read more »
Nope, now you’re sounding like a douchebag too, with your conservative ‘cuck’ catchphrase. Women want their partners to treat them as if they are equal human beings. Would you continue to insult or annoy a coworker once they made it known they didn’t like it? Of course you wouldn’t. But if you keep doing it to try to train your wife or girlfriend to accept it, there’s something wrong with your head.
Call me what you wish…I know who I am.
Yes, women do want their men to treat them as equal human beings. But, men are men and women are women. A man cannot be a woman. A woman cannot be a man.
We are different and need to appreciate our differences. If you cannot understand and respect this fact, too bad. Suit yourself. The sun will still rise tomorrow.
Cheers!
Notice how your truthful remarks hit home and they call you name because they cannot argue facts.
But wait, isn’t she expecting him to adjust to her correct way of thinking and behaving by expecting him to put his laundry-limbo jeans in another location?
I can relate to this on so many levels. I work, do the majority of the cleaning, cooking and take care of our toddler. I make sure the bills get paid. He works sporadically, I still have to send our son to daycare because he can’t be bothered to be a stay at home dad even though he’s not working. He maybe cleans once every few weeks, but his idea of cleaning is picking up a few things. I have maybe 30 minutes a day to myself to relax and when he just leaves his dishes out or can’t even… Read more »
Maria, I can respect and empathize with your circumstance. However, this piece by Mr. Fray is really insulting to men. There are hordes of married women out here who simply want men to conform to their way of thinking. They want to control their men. When they are rebuffed, they get pissed and “unhappy.” It’s really not about the “little things” or the damn jeans. It’s a about dictating how a man should live his life. She wants him to “do as I say.” A lot of these women already want out the marriage anyway. Many were never in love… Read more »
We were both working full time, but I had the longer commute.
But I used to do most of the homework, both inside the house and outside while she was busy watching TV och seeing her friends.
Yet, I was the one being nagged at, for putting stuff away at the wrong place, or just in general not performing to her expected standard.
Sounds like the guy never grew up and expects “mom” to look after him, pick up his shit and love him unconditionally. What a loser, get rid of him.
Why is it that the man is always expected to change? I always hear all this advice that we should accept the woman in our life with all her imperfections and not try to change her. That doesn’t apply to men as well? It seems like we’re always being expected to change. This really goes the other way as well anyway. I repeatedly ask by gf to put my tools back after she uses them. She’ll often leave one out somewhere.
Why are you only stuck on the one point of putting things away in a certain spot. You certainly did not read my post at all. I wish that was the only thing I had to deal with. I wouldn’t say anything at all! Would you like it if you were the only one working, cleaning, taking care of the kids, cooking and taking care of the bills? It’s frustrating as hell being the only adult. I think this article is just pointing out that when one person (it doesn’t have to be gender specific) Isn’t feeling valued or respected,… Read more »
I have never been married; however, I do see there are a lot of angry and somewhat resentful comments about women – in general – and marriage – in particular. I can relate to the erosion of trust in a relationship because my significant other did not take into consideration my needs and in turn, I began to question everything that we had ever discussed – was it all a sham? Once the trust is gone, it’s hard to get it back, especially when the woman’s needs/desires/vulnerabilities are minimized and reduced to ‘you’re crazy’, ‘stop the drama’, when the woman… Read more »
I do see there are a lot of angry and somewhat resentful comments about women – in general – and marriage – in particular
Ever ask yourself why those comments exist, what men are dealing with?
Ats how I learned about women’s issues. Rather then dismiss them as resentful, entitled (we’ve all seen that accusation on the internet, yes?), or spoiled, I asked and have been asking for a great many years.
David, it’s not always men who are expected to change. In most cultures, in fact, it’s just the opposite–starting with our legal identity, which women are expected to give up in favor of attaching ourselves to our husband’s last name. Anyway, it’s not a zero sum game where one changes and the other doesn’t have to. When you’re both considerate of each other and flexible, compromise can help you get things done as a team without having to give up too much of what you were before. This is an article from Matthew’s point of view, talking responsibility for his… Read more »