Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” has been around for decades. The number of my mixtapes and playlists it has landed on across the years could never be accurately counted. The ideas that he weaves together in this poem put to music are a haunting confession. Though this song has been in my files for years, it has never found its way to my heart. It has never belonged to anyone…until now.
Confession time — I have always had a thing for eyes. When I look at someone, even strangers, eyes are what first capture my attention. Reading people is a refined skill in my “safety” toolkit so being able to take in any available clues about who they really are is an important part of my willingness to trust or engage with others.
I believe that old saying that eyes are the windows to the soul and that people unwittingly tell you the truth about themselves through their eyes. You just have to pay attention. Eyes rarely lie. In fact, I would be willing to go so far as to say they never lie, it is just an error in interpretation by the observer.
This afternoon, I had one of those “aha!” moments of clarity. For months, I have been trying to understand what about this man created safety for me. The safety I feel with him now is shared and can easily be explained with even a slight glance at the relationship we have built based on trust and authenticity.
It is the initial draw to him that has been the puzzle. How did I know he was safe? How could he walk into a room as a mere acquaintance and all of my anxiety evaporate? For a moment the chemistry and attraction were potential explanations, but typically those kinds of feelings trigger me faster than most anything else.
The ideas around masculine and feminine energy seem to make sense on a spiritual level, but those were foreign concepts to me and while plausible, it still doesn’t feel like the full answer. This afternoon the answer arrived. And like many aspects of this relationship, the simple answer uncovered layers of my heart and understanding of self. It’s his eyes…it has always been his eyes.
His eyes are the most beautiful of blues. They reflect the light and can range from an icy, sky blue to a deep steely blue. I remember being taken by his eyes in the first professional picture I saw of him before we ever exchanged a word in a conversation. Even before I knew his heart the way I do today, it was fascinating to watch him work. The job places him as a messenger for all sorts of information. He is skilled in keeping that professional demeanor well polished and virtually flawless. Strong, steady, dependable, consistent… But there were glimpses that more was going on in his heart. His eyes revealed that there was so much more to see and know of him than the public professional image.
Don’t get me wrong, his public image is amazing and confident. It exudes realness, compassion, openness, and honesty. Everything about him says he is trustworthy and forthright. But I could see beyond what he was presenting — I could see him. Though I didn’t know him well, my heart longed to know the deeper parts of him. His eyes hinted at his truth and invited me into his heart. That’s how I knew he was safe for me, his beautiful blue eyes told me.
As our casual friendship developed into lingering conversations after work, I began to see more of him — more of his heart and his passion as he began to trust me. In the replay of our connection, in almost every instance it is his eyes that are the defining space for me. When the conversation moved from work into more personal spaces, his eyes had an inviting softness. When I think of our first conversation about possibilities over a pub lunch, his eyes danced with playfulness.
When he pulls me to him in an embrace, the desire is clear to see. When life has been hard for him, he hides the sadness and pain well, but his eyes hint at the depths of his struggle if you pay attention. The compassion and empathy when I am open and vulnerable with my heart and the fiery passion when he is fighting to make the world a better place reflect clearly through as reflections of his heart. The dark steely depth when he is my dominate and the deep open vulnerability when he surrenders to me take my heart to places I’ve never known. These two both cause shifts in my own soul. His eyes say things when his words have not yet found their voice.
In intimate spaces, I have always closed my eyes. It allows me to be in my own head, safe from exposure. It keeps my vulnerability protected and provides access to escape into myself if needed. I am ashamed to admit that allows me to not be fully present in the moment. That is truly a horrible thing to say about relationships that were supposed to be intimate, but it is absolutely true.
My experience is completely different with him. I love eye contact with him in those sacred spaces. When he brings me to release, I love to have my eyes on him. I want him to see all of me — fully vulnerable, completely exposed. (Unless he has launched me to the stratosphere where I am seeing stars, but that is for another writing.)
I love watching him let go of the thoughts racing in his mind and surrender to just being and feeling. His eyes in those moments…there are no words for how I feel and what I see…glorious, unfettered beauty. Creating a place where he can be unrestrained and vulnerable has been a longing deep in my heart and something I have wanted to give him more than anything else.
It has taken time to build our connection and trust, but to be in that space with him — to see his beautiful soul reflected in his eyes — those are precious, sacred moments of complete joy and love.
“I want to touch the light, the heat I see in your eyes…” Peter Gabriel
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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