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I still feel the wound when I found out my first wife had sex with a man she met while I was on a business trip. She insisted it was a one time lapse, she felt ashamed, and told me it would never happen again. I wanted to believe her, but the uncertainty ate away at the foundations of our marriage and it eventually pulled us apart. It took many years for me to heal, but I did and found love again.
I’ve been married now to Carlin for 36 years and we’ve managed to stay true to each other, though we’ve come perilously close to going over the line. Keeping a marriage passionate and alive for many years is not easy. Understanding and dealing honestly with infidelity can help couples survive and thrive. Here are some things we’ve learned over the years.
Infidelity is not Easy to Define in Practice
The dictionary definition seems pretty straightforward:
- marital disloyalty; adultery.
- unfaithfulness; disloyalty.
- lack of religious faith, especially Christian faith.
- a breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression.
In practice things get more complicated. Having clandestine sex with your best friend’s wife would likely qualify as infidelity. But how about getting emotionally involved—–Is it friendship or an emotional affair? Is watching pornography a disloyal act? How about withdrawing from sexual activity, being too busy, tired, or closed down. Is that a breach of trust? Think about it. What are your boundaries? What would constitute infidelity in your life? Talk to your partner. Listen deeply. Be open to hearing the truth.
Infidelity is as Old as Marriage and as Common
We write songs about “love and marriage going together like a horse and carriage.” But the ones that stick with us are the ones about infidelity. I still can hear Connie Francis singing about “Lipstick on Your Collar” and Patsy Cline’s lament of “Your Cheating Heart.” Dolly Parton reminds us how important our partner may be to us and how vulnerable they are to being stolen in “Jolene.”
We listen to the songs and hope we won’t become victims of love. But we also know that passions are powerful. We see an attractive man or woman and our eyes widen, our hearts beat a little faster, and we long for something more. We take vows saying “until death do we part,” but no one stays married long without feeling the pull towards forbidden love. When is the last time you felt the pull?
Cheating Occurs Even in Good Marriages
Monogamy used to mean sexual fidelity for life. Now it means one spouse at a time as divorce and remarriage are increasingly common. Our marriages start out in a blaze of glory, passion, and commitment to love everlasting. But life happens and the fires of love cool as the stresses of kids, money, in-laws, and aging take its toll. When the marriage goes bad, many people want out.
Being a marriage counselor and therapist for more than 40 years, I also know that infidelity occurs in the best of marriages. People ask me, how can he/she love me if they… fill in the blank (get lost in pornography, have sex with someone else, have an emotional affair)? Living longer, we are also married longer. In even the best long-term marriage we get bored, seek adventure, want to try something new.
A woman friend told me once that all men need a little “strange.” I suspect all of us, at some point in our lives, are drawn to wanting to try something or someone new. It doesn’t mean we don’t love the one we’re with. Working out boundaries and keeping them updated are the keys to preventing an affair.
After Infidelity: Why Some Choose To Stay and Others Leave
It used to be that everyone came down on the person who had the affair. “How could you do that to her/him?” We would say to our friends, if not to the person’s face, “What a creep. If he/she wasn’t happy why didn’t they just leave?” Now we’re much harder on a person who chooses to stay. We all remember Bill and Hillary. People seemed a lot angrier at Hillary for deciding to stay than at Bill for his many infidelities. Some still haven’t forgiven her, long after they’ve forgiven him.
In my practice I often counsel men and women who don’t want to leave. They feel deeply wounded, confused, and angry. But they still love their spouse and want to heal the relationship and get back together, but friends and family often badger them to leave. “You’re just acting like a doormat,” they’re told. “You’re better than that. Throw the bum out.”
Every couple is unique and every pairing is worth healing. Infidelity can cause deep wounds, both physical and emotional. One client got breast cancer during the time she was dealing with her husband’s infidelity. A close friend found his diabetes, which had been under control, flared up after his wife had an affair. But just as we can heal from physical dis-ease, we can heal from infidelity.
Infidelity Can Be the End of A Relationship, or It Can Be the Beginning
One of the most important and difficult questions clients ask me after a spouse has cheated: Should I stay or should I leave. Should I let him/her stay or throw them out? No one can decide for another what to do, but I’ve found the following guidelines to be helpful.
Betrayal is the worst wound we can feel. If you’ve been betrayed you need time and space to heal. Get support, surround yourself with friends and family, talk to a counselor. Don’t decide in the midst of the immediate trauma.
When you’re ready, talk to your partner. Are they truly sorry? Are they absolutely willing to commit to being faithful in the future? It takes time to rebuild trust and even to know if you can trust your partner enough to move forward.
Talk about your spouses needs in the relationship. What needs haven’t been met? Often the cheating spouse is hungry for such things as emotional connection, adventure, relief from stress, truly being seen and heard. Infidelity is never only about sex.
Often a partner’s infidelity says something about your own. It may appear that one person is the betrayer and the other is the betrayed, one person is guilty, the other is innocent. I’ve found that infidelity is often the last step in a series of smaller betrayals that both people have participated in. Think about it. If you’re honest, you’ll find many instances where you each have been disloyal and have violated trust.
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Infidelity signals the end. But it doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship. When couples come to see me, I help them heal from betrayal, but then ask them if they’d like to start on the path of a new relationship, where needs can be more fully met and they can be close, yet free. Most couples answer, “Yes!” They know the path to a new relationship won’t be easy, that healing takes time, but they also come to know that the power of love can heal all and their relationship is worth being born anew.
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About the book
Infidelity can signal the end or the beginning of real, lasting, love. In his new book, 12 Rules for Good Men, you’ll learn the truth. “12 Rules is the result of Jed’s lifetime of leadership in men’s work and represents the power and wisdom of an elder of the men’s movement.”
–Mark Greene, Senior Editor, The Good Men Project.
If you are concerned about your relationship, if it’s in trouble, or if it’s good, but you want it to be great, come visit me at www.MenAlive.com. You’ll find a lot of resources that can help. If infidelity has touched your life, I know how devastatingly painful that can be, but it doesn’t have to be the end of you two. Infidelity can be prevented and if it happens it can be healed.
Photo Credit: iStock
Hi Jed, Thanks for this article. It makes for a great read for anyone who can identify with “infidelity”. I can particularly identify with the point where you say “Often the cheating spouse is hungry for such things as emotional connection, adventure, relief from stress, truly being seen and heard. Infidelity is never only about sex.” My husband is an introvert, non-supportive, anti-social, lies often and we never discussed big or small things in life…while I am the exact opposite. After adjusting with him and his ways for a year, sure enough I started feeling acutely suffocated in my marriage… Read more »
I’ve never come close to breaking my marriage vows, to infidelity. But my wife of 35 years came out to me and to herself as a lesbian two years ago, and confessed to one brief lesbian experiment years ago (not really a love affair), but many deep crushes, loves never expressed, for women friends… So yes, I’ve been through therapy, we both have. And we’ve decided to stay together and monogamous, but now sexless, since my wife has affection for me, but absolutely no desire… tough, yes. But we’re too old to start again… we can’t afford it… we’re still… Read more »
Dr. Diamond, I agree with you up to a point. I can’t or won’t judge how someone else chooses to handle their partner’s infidelity/betrayal. I chose to divorce my ex-husband after I discovered his 2nd affair with a married woman. My ex-husband and I were married over 20 years; during the divorce proceedings, I discovered that he had several affairs with several different women, plus he was addicted to porn. I decided that I could no longer allow him to disrespect me and dishonor our daughter who was a teen at the time. She’s now a 20 year old woman… Read more »
Msjay, thanks for sharing your experience. I’m glad you made a decision that was right for you. Sometimes one partner wants to cheat and keep the primary relationship and the other partner says, “no way.” I hope that by sharing a wide range of experiences and different people’s reactions to infidelity we can begin a dialogue that will help people take the risk to be more open and honest in discussing these issues and concerns inside the relationship before things reach a point of betrayal. Again, thanks for your courage in sharing. I’m so glad your daughter could get the… Read more »
I’m with chump lady on this. Zero tolerance of cheaters and cheating. Forsaking all others is pretty clear. What other consequences are going to scare somebody who’ll drop their pants for anyone else in a heartbeat.
Guy, Good to be clear about where you stand. We each need to think through our own boundaries and be clear about what constitutes infidelity. I hope I’ve helped people broaden and deepen their understanding.
Great topic, and very much aligned with this TED talk we happened to see yesterday: http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved
Esther Perel has interviewed and treated hundreds of couples, and like you, has found that the topic is a lot more complex now than its ever been before. What I like about her talk, and your article, is that you avoid making it black or white. There are dozens of reasons, dozens of possibilities, and dozens of “next steps” for couples who want to repair.
Lion, Thanks for the comments. I agree that he TED talk by Esther Perel is excellent. Few things illicit more strong feelings than infidelity. It’s important that we talk about it before it happens if possible. Humans fall in love, make commitments, but don’t always keep them. Understanding why that is and what to do is part of the work we humans need to address.
Hi Jed I was surprised when read that you seem to think it is normal that all family and friends know if a couple experience this, cheating. Do they all run home to mammy and tell it ? My husband had a mistress but I never told my parents or his parents about it. Our sexlife or lack of sexlife is a private matter to me and the day I divorced him I knew I did not have to give a reason to the rest of the family, We have no fault divorce,and why some of us leave is a… Read more »
Silke, Absolutely, everyone handles betrayal in their own way. Some let others know and seek support. Others make a very private decision to stay or move on. I don’t think everyone shares, but most all of us have had someone we knew who was dealing with infidelity.
You always touch a chord, Jed. Betrayal hurts forever. Living with it is living with an open wound. Putting up with it became bearable for me because my faith in God became stronger. Not focusing on this world so much, but more on the next made the pain a little less. Still, it hurts.
Tami,
Thanks for sharing so personally. Those of us who have been through this (and its true for so many) know the pain that keeps on and on. Yet, we can heal and letting others know they aren’t alone can help us all heal.