Do you have an insecure partner? Daniel Dowling has three tips that will transform your relationship.
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“What did I do to make her react like this?”
You know the feeling. Insecurity is a black hole that consumes relationships from the inside out. It makes men feel less manly, and women less cherished. Often when we deal with a spouse’s insecurity, the root cause lies much deeper than the surface level problem.
You could be unconsciously giving your partner reasons to be insecure with many “normal” relationship behaviors, so read on to learn about three common blind spots that sabotage relationship security.
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1. Rethink Porn
If you are in a relationship, commitment is what holds you together. You need commitment to feel loved, but women are biologically attuned to commitment; their children depend on it for survival, and women have to carry them. Nothing says commitment like burning through 10 of the most beautiful women on earth in 10 minutes. Watching porn sends the message that your partner isn’t enough, and she will silently compare herself to the plastic and airbrushed bodies in the films. Enter: Envy, Jealousy, and Insecurity.
Nothing says commitment like burning through 10 of the most beautiful women on earth in 10 minutes
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If the infinite mystery in a woman’s heart isn’t enough to hold the attention of one man forever, then what will? Women want to be cherished and sought after before anyone and anything else, and they deserve to be. But when porn enters the picture, a woman can’t help but feel less beautiful in your eyes.
Real beauty is the reflection of an internal goodness that radiates outward. So, women who compete with porn not only feel externally insufficient, but also unworthy on the inside. If you want to reveal the depth of your commitment, prove it to her by committing your entire being to her; your mind, your heart, your emotions, and your sexuality.
If porn isn’t helping you to become more emotionally connected and intimate with your partner, and if it isn’t boosting her security and self worth, consider ditching it. (If…?)
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2. Dial back the physicality
Oftentimes women will give themselves up more than they feel comfortable with to feel safe and loved. But lovemaking that arises from insecurity will only breed more insecurity. If you have any suspicion that your girlfriend or wife initiates sex out of fear of losing you, there are many non-physical ways you can improve your relationship.
Offering a foot rub or back rub (with oil) is a great way to show her how much she is desired, and without any selfish motivation. Non-sexual touching like massages also invites emotional connection, and opens opportunities to talk about sensitive topics.
Prematurely physical relationships create insecurity because the act of sex is a symbol of complete commitment (whether we realize it or not).
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Invite her to connect emotionally through your non-sexual touches, and by being vulnerable with her. Though we don’t feel like it all the time, men can seem hard and inaccessible even when we don’t intend to. Sometimes sharing a concern or a feeling is just what a woman needs to feel safe in sharing her innermost world with you. Once she opens up about her deepest fears and anxieties with you, you will have the information needed to show commitment where she needs it most.
How sex can create insecurity
Prematurely physical relationships create insecurity because the act of sex is a symbol of complete commitment (whether we realize it or not). Sex was invented long before birth control, and since children have historically been associated with sex, we are hardwired for lasting sexual bonds. Giving your whole body to someone without also giving your whole mind, heart, and future creates an incongruence that slowly eats at a relationship until there’s no security left.
You can rebuild security in a relationship by redoubling your commitment to her mind and heart, and by reserving sex for the deepest commitment to life and love; until sex is a celebration of your growth and commitment together.
People instinctively know that physical beauty has a shelf life, so a woman’s security lies in her partner’s ability to see past the flesh and into her innermost beauty.
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3. Consider her wounds
Since half of marriages end in divorce, there are many young girls grown into women who have emptiness where a father’s love should have been. This is a deep pain that many women would sooner keep buried than to be vulnerable with, but any mistrust of a father figure will translate to mistrust in her partner. And until those wounds are acknowledged and healed, insecurity will continue to surface in a relationship.
A woman needs to feel completely loved and cherished in order to give herself entirely to a man, and an internalized sense of abandonment can prevent her from ever being fully free. If you are in a relationship with such a woman, don’t lose hope. Though it isn’t your responsibility to “fix” her, you can help her by fostering intimacy through vulnerability. When a woman begins to feel the sting of an old wound resurface, she has a tendency of covering it up by closing off entirely, or by unleashing emotionally.
If you have a selfless kind of love, you can help her heal by creating an environment where she can be vulnerable and expressive of her deepest emotions
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If you are confronted with a weird-seeming emotional response to your actions, try your best not to feel offended. If you feel attacked, withhold your counterattack. Instead, empathize with her need to be secure, and with the roots of her insecurity.
Reflect her emotions back
Oftentimes people need to hear their emotions reflected back to them in order to understand them fully, and to feel understood. Women fall under the umbrella of people. Look into the feelings and needs behind her words, and share them with her. “It seems like you’re feeling alone and scared. But I’m here. You can talk to me. You can tell me anything, babe. Why are you hurting like this?” Notice that this dialogue is centered on her emotions and needs. She is the one in need.
The last thing an insecure woman needs to hear is a defensive counterattack, like: “What do you want me to do about it? I never do anything wrong, and you always treat me like a criminal!” Women who express their insecurity are in need of acknowledgement and security in that moment.
Women who haven’t been shown the selfless and cherishing love of a solid father tend to look for validation in the arms of any man who will validate her beauty, whether he is selfless and caring or not. Since fathers care for their daughters in non-sexual ways, it is almost impossible to fill a father wound with a sexual relationship. Especially since so many men are interested in casual relationships, a heavy expectation from a wounded woman can spell trouble even if the man hasn’t given her specific reasons not to trust him.
Conclusion
If you sense problems that you have no hope of solving for your girlfriend, it’s time to seriously reconsider your reason for dating. Trying to fill a gaping father hole will only frustrate you and breed more insecurity in your partner. But if you have a selfless kind of love, and a deep commitment to her greatest good, you can help her heal by creating an environment where she can be vulnerable and expressive of her deepest emotions.
Originally published at DowlingWriter.com
Photo—craig Cloutier/Flickr
Ok do basicly this guy is saying to be an overly equally insecure push over to tolerate the insecurity.
” We are every bit the women we are at 20 as we are at 60 and beyond. Just like men are every bit the man they were at 20 as 60 to.” ““Women know that their physical beauty has a shelf life, so their security lies in a partner’s ability to see past the flesh and into their innermost beauty.”” I think this has to have a big disclaimer. Physical beauty in this case is a visual-based attraction system to indicate fertility and is largely instinctual, relating to softer looking skin, youthful features of childbearing age and it’s basis… Read more »
Archy – Based on your response, I believe you do not legitimately understand my concern with this conversation. But since you have lectured to me about women’s aging process, let me return the favor. First off, unlike men, evolution has designed women’s bodies to successfully bare children up to the point she enters menopause. Which means that there are not nearly as manly genetic mutations in women’s eggs as she gets older as there is in men’s sperm. Infact, there have been studies that claim that older mother’s actually produce more intelligent children. The same is not true for men,… Read more »
You know, I have never seen someone tell a man that his masculinity had a shelf life just because men age. Men live their whole lives never wanting to loose that thing that makes them men, reshaping and redefining their masculinity with their age and stage in life. So why do we persist in telling women that their beauty and femininity must end at a certain point? The world may very well hold onto the belief that women have a ‘shelf life’ – which is unfortunate for the people who choose to view women in that way. But just seeing… Read more »
Only posting in reply to this because this site doesn’t have a big fat “like” button. Thank you for saying this. Maybe it’s just because I’m rapidly becoming an old man myself, but I find myself nodding at the truth and wisdom of what you’ve said here. Thanks!
Thanks Anthony! You’re just rapidly becoming an “older man” – not an “old” one.
Ironically, right on the webpage I’m looking at right now to the right, in the “Sponsored by Newsmax” feed, I see an article titled “How Older Men Are Defeating Sexual Dysfunction”. And in all honesty, why shouldn’t older men enjoy their sexuality into their older years? Why shouldn’t women enjoy their sexuality and beauty into their older years too?
Ms. Erin, Thank you for the lengthy comment, though it doesn’t relate to anything I wrote. I agree with your message, and there is precisely no conflict with any part of my article. I revised the article to clarify: “People (this comment applies to men and women both, women being the subject of the article) instinctively know that physical beauty has a shelf life, so a woman’s security lies in her partner’s ability to see past the flesh and into her innermost beauty” As you can see, the message has nothing to do with masculinity or femininity, or becoming less… Read more »
Daniel – I haven’t learned to pair down my comments yet and articulate what I want to express at the same time. I assure you, I get routinely pointed out for the length of them. Although I’m not sure why people find issue with the length of them alone. I’m wordy. I don’t apologize for it. But it shouldn’t really bother other people either. Though it seems to. I don’t think you fully processed what I’m saying. And yes, it does relate to what you wrote because by saying women have a ‘shelf life’ through their looks, you’re perpetuating a… Read more »
It doesn’t matter if long-winded, and sometimes seemingly off-topic (which, IMHO, you’re right, and weren’t in this case). At least not to me, because I ended up reading it, and getting something out of it. As you might have noticed, I tend to do that too. I only know one thing. I pay attention to the names attached to comments, and whenever I see yours in the future, I’ll be saying to myself “read this carefully, ‘cuz it’s gonna be good”.
Erin and Daniel, I think you are both right. Because the way I read it, Daniel did just point out what Erin is referring to, that women want to be loved for their inside qualities as well as their outside. So go ahead and tell me I’m way off, but I just really can not see the argument here. You are saying the same thing, just using different words, or different interpretations. And Erin, men most certainly have a “shelf life”, it just relates to other aspects or areas in life. Men most certainly age, get wrinkles ond lose “performance”… Read more »
Thank you so much Anthony! You made my day.
FlyingKal – I disagree a bit with your perspective but that’s nothing new. *wink
Thanks for commenting!
“Women know that their physical beauty has a shelf life, so their security lies in a partner’s ability to see past the flesh and into their innermost beauty.” Daniel, I may be confused, but are you stating this as a fact? It reads to me as though you are saying that women’s beauty de facto has a shelf life, as opposed to the idea that you may always consider the one you love physically beautiful. And also as though women only feel secure about their own physical selves if the man in their life makes them feel so. Maybe you… Read more »
In my ignorance, I’d never heard the term “gas lighting” before, so I looked it up. First hit: Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. While I agree with you that the author may have taken a bit of a misstep in that statement about reflecting back emotions, I think you’re severely misinterpreting his intent. In my experience, the latter half of what he said is true,… Read more »
As for the first half of that statement, I agree that it was badly worded, but to take what he said and jump to the conclusion that he’s implying that women can’t understand their own emotions without having a man explain them is quite something. In the context of what he was saying, I took it more to mean that, in a good relationship, women hope to be with a partner who helps them understand their own emotions better, making them a better person. Anyone, regardless of gender, or the type of relationship, should be so lucky. I think I… Read more »
Ms. Jeret-
Thanks so much for the in-depth comment, and for taking the time out of your day to read my work. Time and priority dictates no such response from me, but I do appreciate your kind attentions.
Oftentimes people need to hear their emotions reflected back to them in order to understand them fully, and to feel understood. “What source do you base this information on? Women are plenty capable of understanding our own emotions without the help of a man to tell us what we are really thinking. That kind of behavior is actually called gas-lighting, and I am sure you would never consciously advocate for men or women to do such a thing to each other. ” Arianna, I am guessing he means more the latter part of that statement. “understand them fully, and to… Read more »
Woah, Archy…Thanks for sharing your experience!! You seem like a thinking man…look me up on facebook please. And I agree with you on the sexiness of older women. There is no shelf life on beauty, but when it comes to the physical markers of fertility, as you mentioned, there certainly is. Which is why it’s so important to look inside for the beauty. That there is any cross commentary on this point boggles my mind…we degrade! We become worm food! Of course our physical beauty has a shelf life!
Daniel – There is a huge difference between acknowledging that women AND men get older vs specifically highlighting and talking about women as an aging group of old sour milk who specifically have a ‘shelf life’. I highly doubt you have ever used the term ‘shelf-life’ to describe yourself or men in general. Or am I wrong? Do you view yourself and other men as also having a ‘shelf life” too? And what would men’s ‘shelf life’ be? The only reason that conversations around youth and beauty exclusively focus on women is not because men’s youth and beauty doesn’t matter… Read more »
Yes! The third point in this article was extremely good advice. It’s too easy to have that reaction of being argumentative. There’s some truth in it, in that it may be unfair to you, but life is unfair sometimes, and it’s worth it to shift your mindset from feeling unfairly attacked, to realizing that there’s something behind it that isn’t about you. Trying to fix it, following the advice given here, is just about trying to improve things, which ultimately will make the relationship better. There’s nothing wrong, IMHO, with temporarily letting your own feelings take a back seat for… Read more »
Good points Anthony! The last half of your comment sounds like the foundation of a really great marriage! Thanks for enjoying my work!
Keep thinking and questioning,
Dan
The ‘infinite heart’ of a woman……and yet 50% of marriages end in divorce with over 70% of them initiated by women…somewhere, somehow the math isn’t adding up to “INFINITE”.
SHE IS INSECURE, it is not our job to fix her. Step into the friend zone if you try.
Precisely my point of writing! Step into the friend zone—the friend zone is where insecurities are revealed without the attachment of sex. Then a guy doesn’t have to even pretend to “fix” her, and can focus solely on improving himself. Relationships are merely violence in disguise without the root of friendship.
As for the infinite heart of women…I’m so glad that, through all of my relationship failures, I was blessed with hope, and an insatiable curiosity for truth.