Is Cheating Linked With (Low) Emotional Intelligence?

I was watching the Ashley Madison documentary on Netflix the other day and I was shocked with how many people are ready to cheat in their relationships.

If you haven’t seen it, it explores the story of Ashley Madison, an infidelity dating website for married people, and focuses on how it got hacked and millions of users’ intimate data was exposed. The absolutely crazy thing is that despite the controversy following the hack, the site now has 70 million members.

So I’m here thinking — what drives so many people to cheat? Is there something about our emotional intelligence — or lack thereof — that plays a role in these decisions?

It was in 1995 that Daniel Goleman introduced the concept of emotional intelligence in his book, and reshaped the world’s understanding of relationships and human interactions.

Since then, everyone’s been talking about how emotional intelligence makes you a better partner. But how does this concept relate to infidelity? Could low emotional intelligence make someone more prone to cheating?

Let’s clarify here that the reasons behind infidelity are complex. They’re multifaceted. Research, however, suggests that emotional intelligence does play a significant role.

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Think about it: emotional intelligence is all about recognizing, understanding, and managing your emotions.

It means you’re aware of your feelings, can control impulses, and understand your partner’s emotions. If someone struggles with these skills, won’t they obviously struggle to remain faithful in a relationship?

This study identified low emotional intelligence as one of the predictors of infidelity. The researchers found that individuals with lower emotional intelligence were more likely to cheat due to their inability to understand and manage their own and their partner’s emotions.

We’re all guided by reason and emotion, and both play an important role in our lives, especially when it comes to our relationships. The ability to reason can be influenced by emotions and vice versa. But, as most things in life, everything’s about balance.

If you let your emotions cloud your judgment and rule your life, let’s say you could end up taking some…morally ambiguous actions.

Emotional intelligence helps you strike that balance by allowing you to recognize the short-term nature of feelings, when emotions might be lying to you, ultimately helping you make smarter choices.

Let’s move on to the next culprit: conflict.

Here’s the thing with conflict: it can push people toward cheating because it creates all this emotional turmoil. It brings you to a state where your emotions can run wild. You might feel misunderstood, ignored, or just plain fed up.

Now, when you’re emotionally intelligent, you’re better at handling conflict. You can control your feelings. You can understand where your partner is coming from. You’re more likely to work through the issues and move on. You’re good at emotional regulation.

But with low emotional intelligence, things can easily escalate into a huge blowout and you might be tempted to seek comfort and validation outside the relationship. People with low emotional intelligence find it much harder to control their impulsive feelings and behaviors.

I think now is a great time to quote Daniel Goleman himself:

“There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse.”

Research backs all of this up: This study found that people with lower emotional intelligence may struggle with conflict resolution, potentially leading to relationship dissatisfaction and behaviors such as cheating. Another study showed that emotional intelligence plays a suppressing role in the relationship between marital conflicts and the tendency to marital infidelity.

When you’re tuned in to your feelings and can understand where your partner is coming from, it’s easier to navigate rough patches without jumping ship.

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Remember when Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson with her director, Rupert Sanders? It was all over the news and tabloids and it sparked a huge public outcry. I remember how harshly people judged her for it.

The intensity of the public reaction shows how little we consider the circumstances or emotions involved. Yes, obviously cheating is hurtful. It is damaging. It is a huge breach of trust, but I wonder if we sometimes overlook the underlying reasons behind such behavior. Cheating is always a sign that there’s something deeper going on emotionally.

Maybe Stewart was struggling with navigating her own emotions or feeling extremely overwhelmed by the pressures of fame. It doesn’t excuse what happened, but it does highlight the importance of emotional awareness and intelligence in forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

I think we all could benefit from working on our emotional intelligence a bit more. It’s easy to condemn a cheater, a person with low emotional intelligence, but believe me, we all have room to grow in this area.

Maybe it’s worth taking some time to reflect on our own emotional intelligence and how it plays out in our relationships. At the end of the day, it’s about the little things, like taking a moment to pause and think before reacting in an argument, or really listening to your partner’s perspective even when you don’t agree.

Maybe we should all ask ourselves, are there times when we let our emotions get the best of us? Are there ways we could be more understanding or supportive?

By working on our own emotional intelligence, we not only become better partners and friends but also contribute to a more understanding and compassionate world.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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