Is fighting a symptom of something else wrong with the couple, maybe communication is lacking or nonexistent?
Fighting in a relationship is a symptom of something else wrong with the couple. The communication is lacking or nonexistent. The maturity level for one or both parties isn’t there and it will only lead to a disastrous end. If there is fighting, the couple needs help other than fighting, they need a councilor.
Looking back at my own relationships and thinking about the fights I had, I can’t say at first thought that any of them were productive to the relationship. Granted, all of these fights were of different subjects and with different people over the span of several years. Also, keep in mind I am no expert, I only speak from my own experience and it is likely different for that of other people.
The earliest fighting I can remember goes back to my marriage and much of that falls on me. I was too insecure or scared to bring up topics I knew would turn into a fight. I would hold off communicating until something happened that turned things into a screaming match. A more mature person would have brought up what was happening early on and talked things through. Instead, I let them boil and fester until there was no other way to handle the situation except for broken things and feelings, then later broken hearts.
The second relationship I was involved in involved more fighting than I care to ever be a part of again. This relationship was with a girl I will call Erica. The first two months of our relationship were great. Erica was smart, funny, college educated, and with a great taste in music and books. Over all we had a good time. She had moved back to town to settle down, and we met soon after.
The last four months of our relationship was a total nightmare. Little did I know that Erica was diagnosed as bi-polar and paranoid schizophrenic. The first two months of our relationship she was taking her medication faithfully and her family didn’t tell me anything because they wanted our relationship to work out. Then, like flipping a switch, she was a totally different person. I would get out of work and immediately she was picking a fight, something that would continue for three to four hours non-stop. I told her at one point this was not healthy, she responded that healthy relationships had a lot of fighting.
A week later we were done. The fighting was exhausting. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, that it wasn’t her but something else. Regardless, the girl I met disappeared along with the meds, and she refused to go back on them saying they turned her into somebody else. What she didn’t realize, or possibly couldn’t realize, was that nobody really liked who she when she was off of the medication.
The last bit of drama I had in my life was a relationship of over three years. I dated a girl I will call Karen who had an issue with feeling validated through being desired and chased. I never understood this, and when she tried to play her game, I didn’t play along. This, of course, lead to more fighting because if I cared and wanted her, I would chase after her.
Fights would happen after she found some reason to have one. She would storm out of the house expecting me to chase after her. Instead, I would stay inside. After all, she was saying to leave her alone and “don’t touch me.” so I did what she said while thinking our relationship was over. Ten minutes later I would get a phone call, she was upset I didn’t fight for our relationship. She would say I wasn’t that important to her. When I pointed out that she was the one who left and told me not to follow, things would become worse.
Needless to say, the mind game involved in this style of fighting reminded me more of high school drama than a relationship with a thirty something year old woman. The fighting was something I never wanted to deal with, and I don’t really know why I did other than the fear of loneliness I dreaded. The drama ended once our relationship was over, and I vowed to never go through that again.
Currently, I’m seeing a woman who I met on Tinder of all things. We both stated that we were looking for no drama, along with a long list of things we were looking for and trying to avoid. Six months later we still haven’t had a fight, instead we bring things up as they happen, or talk through concerns we each have. There might be other factors that helps prevent the fighting.
- My life at the moment has me working 60-80 hours a weeks as a writer and having a 40 hour a week job.
- My weekends are devoted to spending time with her and friends, so maybe we look at it as not worth fighting over stupid things.
When time is limited we can find better things to do with it.
One thing she told me, when discussing her ex husband, was that if there is fighting involved with a couple, the subject is something that should have been brought up long ago. I find some truth in this. I look back at the lack of maturity in my previous relationships, mine included, and can only conclude that if couples are fighting, it is because these people never learned how to handle issues in their lives.
These days, my life is pretty boring. I am so thankful it is boring. After my previous relationships, I wouldn’t have it any other way. In college, a teacher asked the class on opening day to discuss themselves and tell the class something about themselves. I said my name and paused for a minute. The teacher asked what I liked to do, and I said I was pretty boring and spent my time reading books and not doing much of anything. She told the girls in class that boring was good, and that’s what they should look for in a guy if they wanted to have a good relationship. Of course, young college age girls have no interest in boring, and I remained single throughout most of college.
These days I’m happy with boring and wouldn’t give it up for anything.
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