Is Getting Married in Your 20s That Important?

I took two weeks off to go back to my village and spent some time with my mom. Being away for so long, I forgot how brutal people in there could be. Almost everyone in there is entitled to their opinions.

They’d come and tell you things you should be doing when you hit a certain number in your 20s. I was ready for the nasty comments, but I didn’t expect it was going to be that bad.

A neighbor called me fat one morning. But it’s funny because I remembered she bitched about how skinny I was in 2020 to my mom and how she should’ve asked me to eat more. But now she thinks I’m too fat.

Another one is, of course, asking me when do I get married. The more I stayed, the more I realized people throw that question as light as asking, “how are you?” — without too much thinking.

Why are women in my age still single? Oh no, there must be something wrong here.

“Does nobody want her? Or maybe she just sucks at relationships.”

Oh, how people never change.

During my junior high school year, I had this one female teacher where she got lots of backlash for being 28 and not married yet. Mind you, I was 12 and already got the idea how fucked up it is to judge others’ life decisions so harshly.

And now, where I’m in her exact same situation, things are still the same. Honestly, it gets worse. They include the “why am I not wearing hijab?” comment too— which drives my mom nuts because she wants me to be a “good” Muslim.

But I’m not. I don’t want to be part of it anymore. I’m taking my power back and deciding things for myself — not for others.

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Nothing good comes from following what others think is best for you.

It’s like everybody has the need to tell us what to do lately. Giving advice and telling us those things work for them is one thing, but forcing them into our lives literally? No. That just doesn’t feel right.

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I listened to a podcast show by Cathy Heller this morning where she said life gets better when you work on your dreams and are genuinely happy with your path. Obviously, you can’t reach that point where you keep listening and following what other people think you should do.

The same thing with deciding whether you want to get married or not.

One thing to remember is that we always have a choice. Even to end up following what others say is a choice. So you’d better actively make that choice is coming from you.

My mom always thinks it’s best for me to marry someone who’s Muslim and works in the government. But what’s best in her eyes doesn’t mean it’s best for me. I’m not interested in having those things in my life, and wanting different things doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

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Not everybody is rushing into a marriage.

Not someone like me — at least.

And I know I’m not alone on this. The more I travel, the more I notice that society doesn’t owe our life decisions. We have full right to decide when and how we’re going to settle down.

Sure, people date to find someone they can marry. But does it mean that’s all your focus is about? Do you think life will stop there once you get married? What about taking it slow while working on other areas of your life first.

I’m tired of people telling me being married is cheap. It’s not. And it’s not cute to struggle financially together in the first few years of your marriage. It’ll kill the connection you both have over time.

Because let’s be real — love is not enough.

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Better to be alone than settling down just for the sake of it

If there’s one big lesson I learned from my mom’s past marriages is that settling down with the wrong person is the worst thing you could do to your future self. Once you do it, it’s going to take you years of your time just to get out.

I’ve seen her break down in tears so many times because of that one decision. The red flag was there in their dating phase, yet she ignored it. To say that “I don’t know it’s going to end up like this” isn’t always true.

Your gut was there, giving you warning signs. That’s also why it’s important to stay in tune with yourself when you just start dating someone. You need to think in a practical way if this thing will be good for your life in the long term.

There’s this tradition in my village where people get married before they even know each other that well. To them, spending more than a year dating is considered a waste of time.

“Faster is always better.” — they said.

But then they curse themselves when the marriage doesn’t last. When they find out the person they married is a cheater or someone who isn’t responsible enough for the family.

They regret it and develop new trauma that might take years to conquer.

Things like that are the reason why I’m thinking twice before I settle down — even when the world has told me I’m about to expire.

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Hi! Anggun here. I write about all things that you might struggle with within your love life. My main goal is to make you feel less alone on your journey. If you resonate with my stories, stay in tune by becoming a Medium member here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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