Is It a Wasted Day If I am Not Getting A Whole Lot Done?

It’s now 4 pm on an overcast 39 degree Philly area Saturday a week before Christmas. I am lounging on the love seat in my office with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around me and a heating pad warming my belly since it is feeling a bit queasy. Foot tapping to The Bird and The Bee’s version of Little Drummer Boy, featuring Dave Grohl. I have been listening to holiday music streaming on Jingle Jams on my favorite radio station WXPN to get me in the spirit, since it has been a low key time in my life. Had this been the ‘before times,’ I would have hosted our annual Latke Party, would have gone to other gatherings and shindigs with friends, would have been out and about, festivizing with my peeps. Instead, I have been mostly hunkered down at home or with my son, daughter-in-law and grandson. I have been working from home as a therapist offering telehealth sessions which is convenient but isolating. Once in awhile I get together with friends who I know have been vaccinated and wear masks. Most of my contact with people has been via technology. Some might complain about it, but I am thrilled that Zoom is an option.

A few years ago I went to hear the Trans-Siberian Orchestra with a friend. What an extraordinary spectacle it was. The light show and transcendent sounds remain in my memory.

In previous years, I also would have been a busy elf, baking cookies, making potato latkes, and creating handmade gifts. Instead, my dining room table has gifts for the family that await wrapping…well, actually, being placed in re-usable bags to save on paper and be kinder to the planet and are a part of the gift. My tree is up, illuminating my hallway, reflecting my eclectic spiritual practices.

One of the ornaments is of my grandson’s ultrasound a month before he was born; the best part of 2020 for our family. He is enjoying the decorations in their home, with holiday window stickers, his felt and Velcro tree and the bigger tree that he has been amazingly gentle with. He pokes at the ornaments and I tell him what color they are. One of them is something his father made when he was in kindergarten or 1st grade with his picture in the center of it. Such a sweet resemblance between them. Last weekend we took a walk around their neighborhood to look at the lights and lawn decorations. He got to visit Santa and the photos show a happy and not crying child, reading a book with the jolly old elf.

On this day, I woke up to participate in a Zoom call for a film project called Angels and Saints~Eros and Awe for which I am the PR and marketing Goddess. After that I wrote an article and then the rest of the day, until this point, I dozed and scrolled through Facebook. I perused pictures from present to 2012 or so. The experience brought with it both joy and melancholy. The former because I realized how many people’s lives have intersected with mine and the latter because I have no clue when I will see most of these people again. Throughout the afternoon I found myself dozing since I had sketchy sleep last night and woke up an hour before my alarm went off.

As I’m writing this I find myself justifying why I didn’t do laundry or a quick sweep cleaning of the house, why I didn’t put the gift bags together, why I didn’t go grocery shopping. That’s the workaholic part of me that says I should always be on the go, since if I don’t do whatever…it won’t get done. The reality is, it always gets done. I sometimes tell myself that gazing off into space isn’t productive.

I’ve decided that my gift to myself this year is time. We never know how much of it we have allotted to us. I want to enjoy it to the fullest, even it means more be-ing and less doing.

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