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Art married late in life, for his generation. He and Kathryn were in their mid-30s when they met, fell madly in love and married. They had four children in four years. Two boys and two girls. And with so much love to give they adopted two more.
Art owned his own business, which grew to be one of the most successful businesses in town. He was such a great employer that people clamored to work for him. Once someone got in the company, they never left. He knew every employee’s name, their spouse/partner’s name and their kids’ names and interests. He took each employee out to lunch once a year; just the two of them and they talked about whatever the employee wanted to talk about. Some shared ideas to improve the business. Others shared workplace frustrations while others used the time with Art to get his advice on their career and even their personal life. No topic was off limits and no one ever felt threatened because of what they shared with Art.
Kathryn was a stay-at-home Mom who volunteered at the kids’ school and their parish church.
The family lived in a highly coveted neighborhood that was close enough to the city to go in to see plays or operas and far enough out to have large lawns and cul-de-sacs.
Their life was the American dream. People could have been jealous of them except they were such nice people that everyone was genuinely happy for them. Even with their kids in High School and College, they were obviously still madly in love with each other.
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On Friday, May 10, 1996 Michael, the youngest child of Art and Kathryn, walked out of St. John’s High School and saw his mom sitting on the bench outside the front door. He asked Kathryn why she was there and she replied, “To walk you home, silly” and she reached out to take his hand, as she had done with all of her children in their Elementary School years.
Though confused, Michael took his mom’s hand and when they touched it was as if Kathryn was awakened. She looked at Michael, obviously confused. How had she gotten there and why was she there. Michael escorted his Mom to his car in the parking lot, drove her home and called his Dad. Everyone agreed that Kathryn had been exhibiting “different” behavior for a while, but nothing this . . .
The following week Art got a call from the local police. Kathryn had ridden her bike to the local mall….wearing only shorts and her bra.Kathryn was diagnosed with Early-Onset Alzheimer’s Disease. The disease most known to afflict the elderly sometimes affect people much younger.
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About 5 percent of people with Alzheimer’s disease have the early-onset form, the Alzheimer’s Association says. Many of them are in their 40s and 50s when Alzheimer’s disease takes hold.http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org
Art began taking Kathryn to an Adult Care Facility when he went to work, but Kathryn quickly began fighting going there. They told her she was going to volunteer there like she used to do at the kids’ school and church. That worked for a while, but one day Kathryn tried to leave the Care Facility and when they wouldn’t let her she refused to go back.
Then Art hired someone to stay with Kathryn at home during the day while he was at work. That worked for a while until Kathryn left the house one night in her pajamas while Art was sleeping. That was two years after Kathryn went to Michael’s High School to walk him home. Though it was a very tough decision, Art was convinced by Kathryn’s doctor, his priest, and his grown children that it was best for everyone, including Kathryn, if Kathryn was placed in an Alzheimer Care Home.
Loving Kathryn dearly and having the financial means, Art found Irish Gardens. Irish Gardens owns houses in neighborhoods throughout the metropolitan area that look like a home and are managed and staffed by professional Alzheimer care professionals. With only three patients in a home, it is an expensive care option available only to the very wealthy. The monthly cost was $8,000 and insurance did not approve this option, so it was an out-of-pocket expense that Art was more than willing to pay for his beloved Kathryn.
Kathryn was 51 years old when she began living at Irish Gardens. Art went to see her daily, taking her flowers and chocolates; writing poems for her and sitting and talking with her about their past in hopes it would help her keep some of her memories. Sometimes there was a glimmer of a memory. But over time, not only did Kathryn not remember the stories Art told, but she didn’t remember Art. Nevertheless, Art continued his daily visit with Kathryn.
Ten years later, Kathryn was still living at Irish Gardens. Art was still visiting, but by this time he knew that Kathryn would never again know who he was. Each day he came to see her and each day she would introduce herself to him. Since she thought she was meeting him for the first time Kathryn refused to allow Art to hold her hand or brush her hair and he definitely couldn’t kiss her, except maybe on the cheek when he left.
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Art was just 62 years old and had been alone for a dozen years. Though he loved his wife dearly, he yearned for female companionship. He talked with his priest about it. The priest encouraged Art to pursue companionship and told him that God would understand if a companionship became physical. He explained to Art that because Kathryn was incapable of being a wife, there was no sin in Art seeking happiness. From a practical standpoint, Kathryn could live another 25 years or more. Her physical health was stellar. No one would fault Art.
Art talked to his children. They were all adults and they understood. They wanted their Dad to be happy. Yes, they loved their Mom but their Mom wasn’t their Mom anymore.
Through business acquaintances Art met Tracy; a woman 10 years younger than he. He began showering Tracy with attention, affection and gifts just as he had done with Kathryn decades earlier. Art was a born-romantic. Tracy was aware of Kathryn and thought more of Art because he cared so well for his wife. Tracy liked that Art continued to visit Kathryn every day and encouraged him to continue to do so. Tracy had been married before and had no interest in re-marrying so that was not an issue for the new couple. The two were very happy together.
When Art’s friends learned that Art had a “lady-friend” they were happy for him. When mutual business associates learned that Tracy was dating Art, they called her a gold-digger and said it was disgusting that she was taking advantage of both Art and Kathryn. Though she tried, Tracy couldn’t get past the ugly comments and the damage to her business reputation. She and Art broke up, much to Art’s disappointment and Tracy’s sadness.
Art went on to meet Mary, whom he married upon Kathryn’s passing. Tracy never got over her love for Art; she remains steadfastly “unattached”.
What do you think? Was it OK for Art to date, even though he was married? Was Tracy in the wrong for dating a married man? Are extenuating circumstances like this a valid reason to date outside of marriage? Share your thoughts in the comment box below.
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Photo credit: 123rf/dubova
Art did nothing wrong in pursuing a relationship after Kathryn’s Alzheimers had taken the last vestige of her being, and her soul. He was faithful even 12 years after she had been institutionalized. Under the circumstances, he had the right to pursue another relationship. From https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201011/dating-someone-while-married-spouse-alzheimer-s-disease : “AARP recently aired a show entitled, The Long Goodbye, about a man named Barry Peterson whose wife, Jan, had Alzheimer’s. It was when Barry’s mother-in-law (Jan’s mother) encouraged Barry to move on with his life that, while shocking to him initially, was also a relief and got him thinking about opening the door… Read more »
Thanks for sharing the links Joseph. I’m guessing many people are likely in this position. Anything we can do to help them find resources of value is great.