Is Marriage Broken, or Are We Doing It All Wrong?

Around 43% of first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. Second and third marriages have higher failure rates, with 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce. — Source

When my wife and I first got together, our relationship didn’t exactly fit the mold. Being in an age-gapped union, people around us immediately assumed we would face extra challenges, especially with the differences in our life stages, energy levels, social circles, etc.

The thing is, people like to project their expectations onto your marriage, and they think they know what “success” looks like for you. And when those expectations are not met, the assumption is often that the marriage is flawed.

However, it is not the age gap, or any particular quirk in a relationship, that causes friction. It is those expectations that cause disappointment. Unfortunately, some couples go into marriage with an invisible checklist: they think their spouse should always meet certain emotional needs, should never make mistakes, and should somehow read their mind. These unrealistic ideals, however, always clash hard with the reality an everyday partnership.

The reality of marriage is less glamorous, but far richer because you get to share your life with someone through the mundane, the frustrating, and the unknown. If your idea of marriage is only a perpetual honeymoon phase, you are bound to feel like you are “doing it wrong” when things get tough. In truth, these moments of imperfection are where the depth of the relationship is found.

Around 45% of marriages that end in divorce have unrealistic expectations as a top contributing factor. — Source

Marriage as a mirror

If I have learned one thing in my marriage, it is that relationships also act like a mirror, and we can’t hide from ourselves. All the things you think you have figured out about patience, communication, compromise, etc., will get put to the test.

For me, this reflection was humbling and in the moments of tension, I have come to realize it is not always our differences that cause frustration, sometimes it was my own shortcomings.

Marriage also has a way of showing you your blind spots: your need for control, your lack of flexibility, or your fear of vulnerability. These will most likely come up over and over again until you learn to deal with them before they cause havoc. Of course, there is always the temptation to blame the marriage itself or conveniently assume the other person is the problem, but more often than not what is needed is partners confronting their own issues and growing as individuals within their marriage.

Therefore, whenever you find yourself stuck, it is a good time to ask, “What am I bringing into this marriage that is adding to the tension?”

Research shows that people who actively work on their self-improvement and emotional intelligence are more likely to have happier unions; and people in troubled marriages are usually not as good at understanding and controlling their emotions. — Source

The effort behind “Happily Ever After”

What you must realize is that marriage is not a set-it-up-and-forget-it type arrangement. It is like a living, breathing thing that requires our constant effort. So, you are not necessarily doing something wrong just because you have to work at it. In fact, it is quite the opposite.

Expecting marriage to succeed without effort is like expecting a garden to bloom magnificently without tending to it.

Our relationship, for instance, has a unique blend of wisdom and fresh perspective due to our age difference but that doesn’t make us immune to the everyday work of marriage. We have to consciously communicate even if it is sometimes more than we would like, we find ways to compromise where our desires diverge, and what makes all our efforts rewarding is not the absence of conflict, but the way our efforts at overcoming the challenges come to fruition.

Too many couples give up when they hit rough patches because they, unfortunately, think difficulties are a sign of failure. However, I think that is actually where marriage begins! The real effort behind happily ever after is not in striving for perfection, it is in going through the imperfect process of growing together as a couple.

Experts found couples who engage in effective communication, especially by responding actively and constructively during conflicts and when sharing good news, strengthen their relationships and increase relationship satisfaction over time.

Redefining success in marriages

So, what does it mean to have a successful marriage? For some, it is staying together for years and years, for others, it is maintaining that deep connection regardless of how long the marriage lasts. However, the truth is, that success looks different for every couple.

For us, we have long learned that “success” is not about maintaining some idealized version of romance or never having disagreements. Rather in some aspects, it involves staying curious: curious about my partner, about myself, and about how we can continue to keep growing together. I, therefore, make bold to say that many traditional markers of success like always being on the same page are a myth. Real success lies in your perseverance, in showing up for each other especially when it is hard to, and in finding even a little humor in chaos.

You are not following a script, you are writing your own

Know that in the end, marriage is what you make of it and there is no perfect blueprint. All it takes is to be willing to adapt, grow, and work through challenges together.

Therefore, the real question is not whether marriage is broken, but it is whether you are willing to do away with the unrealistic expectations that are setting you up for disappointment.

So, is it marriage, or are you doing it wrong?

The answer lies in rethinking what marriage is supposed to be. Instead of focusing on what it “should” look like, ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make it work.

“Too many couples give up when they hit rough patches because they, unfortunately, think difficulties are a sign of failure. However, I think that is actually where marriage begins!”

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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