Is Monogamy Dying?

Research has shown that our primitive ancestors did not typically hold down a household together. In fact, the current concept of “monogamy” has only been around for about 1,000 years, making it fairly new in the timeline of mating.

It seems our primate ancestors mostly preferred to be alone, and would only meet when it was time to get busy. (Sounds a bit like modern hook-up culture, doesn’t it?) Other sources note that prior to 4,000 years ago, we preferred communes, with 30 or more people shacking up together for survival.

Marriage — the most formal form of monogamy — dates back to 2,350 B.C., and after that it became more of an accepted practice across various cultures. While you may think marriage was born of religion — at least I did until I did some research — it was actually to “guarantee that a man’s children were truly his biological heirs. Through marriage, a woman became a man’s property.”

It was mostly transactional in nature. There were few romantic notions of love. Married men were sometimes allowed to take many wives, while others were afforded concubines to satisfy their urges. In fact, if the woman didn’t want children, she could be traded in. The Christian church, surprisingly, later made it so having children wasn’t a condition of holy matrimony.

Either way, marriage is deeply rooted in patriarchy, which modern feminism is targeting.

Marriage is trending — downwards

Now in the year of our Lord 2022, marriage/cohabitation is still going strong across the world. The percentage of married women is going down marginally, from 69% in 1970 to 64% in 2020. The same source notes that single parenting is on the rise, mostly by women. This might be in part due to the fact that women can earn a living on their own, thus not relying on a man like in the past. Accessible daycare is another factor.

Marriage doesn’t carry the same assumption of “owning” a woman as it once did. However, women still often take their partner’s surname, thus continuing their legacy, not their own.

These days, more people marry out of love, commitment, and also to reap government tax breaks among other financial benefits of marriage. Other times, it’s to provide a solid base for existing or planned children (not to mention birthrates are falling, and procreating will require more incentives.)

But let’s take a more practical look at monogamy, marriage in particular.

Marriage is expensive and is out of reach for many people. When you factor in all the expenses, ranging from a wedding photographer to a venue, as well as a lavish honeymoon, you’re looking at about $30,000 for a wedding in Canada. (A growing number of younger people are saying screw that, and with good reason. That money could be put towards a home they can’t afford.)

Meanwhile, divorces are on the rise (although divorce rates fell in 2020 as the pandemic limited court times.) Divorces are also expensive — up to $15,000, not to mention divided assets and possible child support payments. When you consider that the chance of marriage ending in divorce ranges from around 39% to 50%, it seems like a big risk financially and emotionally. (Interestingly, although Millennials are less likely to take the plunge, they’re more likely to stay together when they do.)

Online ‘date shopping’ is on the rise

Technology is a driver of how people are behaving in relationships these days. I met my wife using a dating app in 2009, when online dating was for outliers. It has now firmly rooted itself in modern dating culture — in fact, it has become the #1 way of starting a relationship. Up to 39% of couples first connected online as of 2019 (that number is surely higher now, especially while people were isolating.)

Of course, there are a number of apps now for those looking to get laid, or to open their relationships. Polyamorous relationships still involve having a “primary” partner, but it invites others in for sex. Sometimes the couples share their new partners, while other times each “primary” partner embarks on their own adventures. (Polyamory still requires trust, as clear rules and boundaries need to be established to make it work. One in five respondents to a survey say they’ve tried “ethical non-monogamy”.)

The continued argument for (non-toxic) monogamy

The prospect of hooking up with other partners while in a committed relationship seems exciting, no? It used to be done in relative secret in by-the-hour motel rooms, not now can be negotiated out in the open.

However, while it’s no doubt thrilling, it may leave you with nothing. You may think you’d like to have multiple lovers, but can you honestly say you could keep up with all of it? Just the thought of it is a bit exhausting. Non-monogamy can also be emotionally rocky, and intense. It can lead to jealousy, even if there’s an agreement in place. This can end a valued partnership that can’t be replaced with a quick lay.

My partner and I are nearing our 11th wedding anniversary. It hasn’t always been an easy ride — committed relationships require maintenance — but we love and respect each other. She knows what I’m feeling without me saying a word, and I know when to leave her alone. That’s as important over time as knowing what to say and spending quality time together.

A stable foundation is a solid choice

Marriage can carry some boredom. That doesn’t mean my spouse is boring — she is hilarious and very smart — but cohabitating life also often means adhering to a stable routine, especially when you throw a kid into the mix. To be honest, the stability of domestic life has kept my head on straight when I felt like things were spinning out of control.

I get how multiple partners can be fun, and that some people can probably pull it off successfully. If that’s you, go for it. This is not a rant about people’s sexual endeavours. But you should consider the possible risks including emotional strife and even STDs if you’re choosing a polyamorous lifestyle. (Make sure your outside partners are “clean”, and understand the rules.)

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While you might feel satisfied by juggling 10 lovers, at the end of the day, most of them won’t give a shit about your well-being. Polyamory works if both primary partners put in the effort and respect one another, just like monogamy. There are different types of polyamory (not all are built on primary relationships), and they must be understood before partaking to avoid issues down the road.

In conclusion…

To answer my headline — no, I don’t think monogamy will ever completely die — although it may be overtaken by “open” relationships in the not-so-distant future.

Why?

Monogamy is a solid foundation in which both partners can build a life together, while simultaneously supporting each other’s journeys. They (should) be your biggest cheerleader when you take on ambitious goals, professional or otherwise. They will want to travel with you. They will show up to the hospital if you’re sick, and bring your favourite books. They value you, and your feelings.

Some part of the human soul will always want stability in relationships, and won’t necessarily want or need other partners sexually. Whatever partnerships you choose — be safe, be respectful, and be your true self!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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