I have witnessed the huge impact that some have had to endure due to their indulgences in casual, supposedly non-committed sexual encounters. For a few, these consequences extend beyond immediate physical risks and affect various aspects of their lives.
One common example I am sure many of us have also observed is, how infidelity resulting from casual sex has led to the breakdown of long-term committed relationships.
Definitely in this case, “free sex” can be said to have cost not only the individuals involved but also their families and loved ones. Again, I have seen people struggle with the emotional toll of engaging in multiple casual encounters, leaving them with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and even depression.
The big question
Sex is a profoundly intimate act. In fact, it is considered one of, if not the most, personal and private experiences in our lives and it is usually a topic that comes with layers of emotions, desires, and expectations. So can such a thing be ever truly “free”?
To this provocative question we will, no doubt need to look into the complexities that underlie our understanding of sexual relationships. For instance, we will need to consider things such as consent, emotions, pressures, communication, and ambiguities. Only then will we hope to shed more light on the true nature of sexual encounters and the preconceived notions surrounding them.
First, however, you should know that the concept of “free sex” has a bit of history behind it. It is a concept that has been discussed and advocated for by different individuals and movements just in our recent history. A few notable moments were in the 19th Century United States, with influential figures like Victoria Woodhull and Moses Harman who were dauntless advocates of sexual freedom unencumbered by any coercive impediments. French utopian socialist Charles Fourier is also credited with the early ideas of sexual freedom- he envisioned a society where traditional marriage and monogamy would be replaced by more flexible arrangements.
However, I think, the 1960s counterculture movement was when the idea really picked up steam in the United States and Europe. The sexual revolution of that time challenged all traditional norms and advocated for sexual liberation and open relationships.
Definitely in this case, “free sex” can be said to have cost not only the individuals involved but also their families and loved ones.
What is “free”?
“Free,” here does not simply refer to monetary transactional value but instead it pertains to the idea of sex devoid of any emotional or societal constraints. Simply, it is the idea that two consenting adults can engage in sexual activity without any encumbrances. So in this sense, consent i.e. the unequivocal agreement between individuals to engage in sexual activity willingly stands as the only cost of the endeavor. Can it be as simple and straightforward as that?
“Without it, any notion of “free” is removed and it becomes an act of coercion or violation.”
So, are there hidden costs?
However, we should keep in mind that even with consent; sex is rarely devoid of emotional consequences. This is because emotions are not only complex, but they naturally accompany our intimate encounters. It is therefore not surprising when feelings of, say, attachment, longing, vulnerability, or even shame emerge to blur the lines of what we had previously perceived as “free” sex.
Some of these emotions have been seen to lead to breaching of boundaries the proponents of free sex believe allow people to freely express their desires, and preferences and maintain limits within which the act is purely a collaborative experience where both parties can find a sense of freedom.
Other potential hidden costs worthy of note may include:
- The health risks associated with casual, unprotected sex can come with their own financial and emotional burdens;
- In some cultures, casual sex carries social stigma and/or judgments, which are liable to impact the self-esteem and mental well-being of anyone being so stigmatized;
- Repeated casual encounters can influence long-term relationship patterns or expectations, potentially affecting future romantic relationships; and
- Engaging in free/casual encounters can also negatively impact existing or potential relationships by triggering feelings of jealousy or insecurity. For example, some partners striving to establish meaningful relationships may become disheartened upon learning that their romantic interest has a pattern of engaging in spontaneous or casual sexual encounters.
The gray areas
We have already touched on the issue of consent because we cannot have this discussion without talking about it. Of course, without it, any notion of “free” is removed and it becomes an act of coercion or violation.
Sex, like life itself, is characterized by gray areas: what might seem like a clear-cut case of consensual, unencumbered act can, upon a closer look, reveal complexities and ambiguities leading us to question our assumptions.
When we consider the issue of consent more closely so many questions are raised: does it come at a price? What actually amounts to it? At what point is it taken as given? How are sure it is still subsisting? Under what circumstances was it supposedly obtained?
“For example, some partners striving to establish meaningful relationships may become disheartened upon learning that their romantic interest has a pattern of engaging in spontaneous or casual sexual encounters.”
So, with all this in mind, a definitive yes answer to whether sex is ever truly “free” seems far off. However, we can conclude that while it is not devoid of emotional costs, societal pressures, and gray areas. Therefore, it seems prudent that in making informed choices regarding sexual activities, we should consider these potential hidden costs: casual sexual encounters may be consensual and enjoyable for some, but they can also carry significant consequences for others! Therefore, we must approach such decisions with care and consideration for not only ourselves but also for those who may be affected.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: christian buehner on Unsplash
