B”H
Breakups are hard.
And it doesn’t matter all that much if you are the breaker or the breakee, ending a relationship with someone you invested your heart and soul into is difficult and sad.
It is often at these times seeking support, whether from a friend, parent or therapist, is most important. We need an ear to share our feelings with and a warm heart to show compassion and understanding.
Eventually, sadness is replaced by a newfound sense of purpose and mission, oftentimes called “bouncing back.” This is mostly a good sign, as it indicates that your mind and heart have moved past grief and you are ready to face the world again.
As a marriage therapist, I view this transition when you put away the past and look towards the future as a valuable moment. At this point, we can dive deeper and mine for the lessons we learned from our past mistakes.
Perhaps the most important journey we can take now is discerning “what went wrong.” Sometimes, it’s just poor character that destroys our relationships. But more often than not, it’s poor judgment — specifically, a poor choice in our partner. That’s not to say our partner is a poor choice (as good as it feels to say that!), but instead that we made a poor choice because our partner, in hindsight, was so obviously not for us.
Recently, I had the opportunity to work with a client who went through this exact drama. It’s never pleasant, but the takeaways made it all worthwhile. We addressed the central question: “Now that this past relationship fell through, what have you learned you are looking for in a future relationship?” We centered on answers on two primary categories: character and values.
What was astonishing to us both was that until we put pen to paper, we had no clear vision for him moving forward. As much as we discussed and explored the dysfunction of his past relationship, a framework for what he is looking for in his future wife was never defined.
I strongly encourage each of us to spend a few moments writing out what we seek in our spouse. For those already married, I’m confident you can find ways your spouse is already the person of your dreams. And for those looking for love, it’s like turning on the lights in your search for your soulmate.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Jessica Felicio on Unsplash
