I’ve been doing marriage work for twenty years and I both look forward to and dread the month of January. Why? Because my phone rings off the hook. My accountant loves it. My heart, not so much. One partner, usually the wife, has been holding on through the holidays by her fingernails. Wanting to have just one more Hallmark Christmas for the family (and the world) before she blows it all apart.
One of my go-to sayings is that any decision in marriage takes two yeses but only one no. That’s true– except for the decision to get a divorce. Only one of you has to say yes to that. And now is the time you need to be the most careful and aware. The tales I, my colleagues, and family law attorneys I know can tell of men who were blindsided in January by their wives’ request for a divorce are many. And, if they had paid a bit more attention, unnecessary.
I know you don’t want it to happen. And maybe you think, if you just don’t look too closely at the marriage, it won’t. Please don’t make that mistake. Ignoring a problem, even if it’s only one you think exists in her mind, rarely makes it go away. It usually just makes it worse.
But be honest, is your marriage really as good as you want it to be? Do you feel important? Truly supported? Is there enough sex? Or are you just settling for what she will give?
Are you staying out of love for what you have or out of fear of what you’ll lose?
Are you remaining silent because everything is hunky-dory or in the hopes of avoiding conflict?
Life, and marriage, shouldn’t be played with sweaty palms.
But I also want to tell you that, if this is what’s happening, don’t panic. Even if you’re the one who has had enough, it doesn’t have to mean the end.
The choices aren’t limited to things staying the same or ending it. That’s a mistake she is making.
There is another option—make it better. But that can’t happen if you’re afraid to rock the boat.
What’s needed is for you to take action. Not in reaction to her asking for a divorce or separation, but in having a prepared response. I’m not talking about mindless, run into the basement to escape the maniac action. I’m talking about real, productive, and consistent action to make things better. For you and for her. Starting right now.
Are you interested but don’t know how? Get in touch and I’ll share an effective plan that gets results fast.
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