Is Your Apology Language Ruining Your Relationship? Try This

We’ve all been there: You get an apology from your partner after they’ve hurt you, but you just don’t feel…satisfied. Maybe you aren’t sure they’re being totally genuine. Maybe you question whether they’ll actually change their ways next time.

This partially has to do with your apology language — and whether it matches your partner’s. (Side note: You can take this quiz if you don’t know what yours is.)

Similar to the love languages, there are five apology languages, aka the way we want to be apologized to. And when yours and your partner’s don’t match, and you don’t know that, you may feel frustrated and misunderstood after fights.

So let’s talk about it. Here’s what those languages are, signs you’re disconnected from your partner, and what helps.

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What Are the 5 Apology Languages?

To be clear, just because your apology language is one of these doesn’t mean others aren’t also important to you. This info just tells you which one you tend to favor most and find most meaningful.

1. Expressing regret

Expressing regret is all about your partner letting you know they wish they hadn’t hurt you. You want them to acknowledge what they did and realize they shouldn’t have.

Example: “I shouldn’t have been rude to you at the party, and I feel guilty about that.”

2. Accepting responsibility

This apology language is similar to expressing regret, except it entails your partner focusing more on them specifically being at fault.

Example: “I’m sorry I left packing until the last minute and made us late for our flight.”

3. Making restitution

This one entails your partner fixing what they did. If they lied, they work hard to gain your trust again. If they broke your favorite vase, they buy you a new one.

Example: “I know I made you feel unloved yesterday, so today I’m going to show you lots of love.” (And then actually do that!)

4. Genuinely repenting

This language is about your partner doing right next time and showing how sorry they are. It can give you hope about the relationship and about the problem at hand.

Example: “I’m so sorry I didn’t clean up the kitchen like you asked me to. I know neatness is important to you, and I’m sure coming home to a mess was frustrating. The next time you ask me, I’ll be sure to clean before you get home.” (But you should probably clean that time too, of course!)

5. Requesting forgiveness

As the name implies, this apology language entails your partner expressing they want your forgiveness.

Example: “Will you forgive me for not giving you my full attention when you needed it?”

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Signs Your Apology Language Is Messing With Your Relationship

In the heat of the moment, when you’re feeling hurt, your first thought probably isn’t “I wonder if our apology languages are the same,” or “I’m mad at my partner because they apologized in the wrong way.”

So, it can be helpful to think about whether a misalignment in your apology languages could be an issue.

Here are some signs to look out for:

You still feel angry, or worried about your relationship, after the apology
The apology didn’t help or mean much to you
You feel like your partner doesn’t understand what you need now or what you needed then
You can’t tell if your partner really meant their apology

These signs can be troubling to notice, and sometimes the issue is deeper and more concerning than a difference in apology languages.

However, in other situations, this points out the fact that sometimes, the problem isn’t your partner: It’s the communication between you two. So what do you do next?

How to Not Let Your Apology Language (Confusion) Get in the Way

Here are some tips that can help:

Talk about your apology languages preemptively

When you and your partner are free and relaxed, take the apology language quiz. Then, talk about things like this:

Which apologies in the quiz stood out to you as helpful or not helpful
Where each apology language ranked for you
What specific apologies of theirs have been meaningful
What you need from them (or don’t) in an apology

Express your needs after the apology (respectfully)

Let’s say you talked about your apology languages before, but your partner forgot yours and gave you the “wrong” apology.

If that happens, gently bring up the kind of apology you need. You could say something like, “I appreciate you saying that. However, I think it would be most meaningful to me if you could let me know how we can avoid this happening next time.”

Remind yourself that just because they’re apologizing in a different way doesn’t mean they don’t mean it

Sometimes we just have to remember that feelings aren’t facts. Just because we’re upset they didn’t ask, “Do you forgive me?” doesn’t mean they don’t feel bad about their actions and ache for our forgiveness.

Think about who you know your partner to be at heart. Know they may simply have a different apology language or may have forgotten yours in the moment. It happens, and it’s OK!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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