As a fellow “stubborn” person, I know that most of us are aware we possess this trait. For some, it’s even a badge of honour! After all, the positive effects of stubbornness include a determination to reach goals, advocacy for self and others, confidence in conversations, etc. It’s not all bad.
However, there’s a steep downside when it comes to interpersonal dynamics. In healthy, adult relationships, a stubborn person can throw off the balance over time. It may be so gradual that it acts as a slow death—trickier to catch while it’s happening.
This can look like one person always needing to have the last word, struggling to accept responsibility for their contributions to a conflict, and to see from the other person’s point of view. Sometimes, you will be correct in conflict and standing your ground is appropriate. But we’re not talking about these exceptions.
If you’re able to be honest and recognize these patterns of behaviour in yourself, you may already have felt that it’s affected a relationship. That you feel slightly out of control in these moments because there’s an itch you just have to scratch. The itch of needing to validate your feelings by being right.
We’ll talk more about this pesky “itch” below but first, a helpful tip. To break the pattern of fighting for the last word, take a step outside the autopilot reaction mode with the question below.
Ask Yourself:
“Is my desire to be right, stronger than my desire to have a mutually respectful, harmonious relationship?”
This can help you reflect on the goal of a healthy relationship over feeling 5 minutes of victory. Over scratching a temporary itch.
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Scratching the Itch
The stubbornness of not wanting to “back down” when you’re in conflict can come from a need to feel validated. We all need validation to some degree so this is not bad. It is more so how we seek the validation that can cause issues.
Speaking from personal experience, this can stem from not receiving emotional validation and safety from a caretaker as a child. So we may go into adulthood, viewing conflict as a battle in which we must protect ourselves at all costs.
Even if we are now in a healthy, loving relationship, we can still feel the urge to default back into this pattern. I like to explain it as scratching an itch. A nagging feeling that won’t let you relax until you’ve “won”. Until you’ve defeated the opponent.
We can even see it as a survival instinct. Taking accountability can feel like it will lead to invalidation and then rejection—triggering an evolutionary need to belong.
Scratching the itch may feel good for 5 minutes, but rarely does long-term. Even hours after the conflict, we can start to regret our intense approach.
Over time, it can have compound effects on the relationship. Tension builds and resentment comes along with it. We need to learn to feel valid and secure within ourselves without cancelling the other person out. Otherwise, we are inflicting the same invalidation on our partners that we may have received as a child.
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Change Is Possible
It can be difficult to change old patterns but start with understanding where they might come from. Sometimes, it is childhood experiences or simply a response to factors in the current situation. Perhaps your nervous system is loaded with stress from work so you’re seeking more control. Or you’ve been struggling with overstimulation in your home life and are operating on a shorter fuse.
If you don’t resonate with any of the above, there is always the possibility that a partner is not correct for you. Perhaps you don’t share enough of the same values and perspectives. This can cause more conflict to arise and especially when decisions need to be made together.
Everything from “Which groceries should we buy this week” to “How should we discipline our child” can be an opportunity for battle. If finding a middle ground feels near impossible, it is worth taking stock of where you do and don’t align. Are the differences too vast to overcome?
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Be Vulnerable, Ask for Grace
If you genuinely intend to work on your stubbornness and respond calmer in conflict, let your partner know. Also, share any thoughts and findings about why you may be reacting this way.
This can feel extremely vulnerable, but that’s also what makes it so powerful. In a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, sharing this may cause your partner to be even more patient and compassionate in these moments of conflict and allow you the time to adjust your response.
You can even decide on a phrase to pull you from the present moment and remind you of your shared goal. It can be as simple as “we’re on the same team.”
A magical thing that can come from this is that it forms a foundational feeling of security. It sets the tone that it’s safe to take accountability in this relationship. It’s safe to have messy human emotions. The more transparent and compassionate you can be towards these human emotions, the less conflict may feel scary or confrontational.
So next time you feel the itch bubbling up and there’s an urge to have the last word, remember to pause and ask yourself:
“Is my desire to be right, stronger than my desire to have a mutually respectful, harmonious relationship?”
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P.S. Want to explore topics like this with me in a more intimate setting? You might enjoy my podcast, Come To Bed, where I unpack all things intimacy and relationships. 🙂
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Mike Lloyd on Unsplash
