It Was My Fault My Ex Was Spying on Me

You can’t excel everywhere in life.

I was strong-willed because I could sacrifice my free time for my job in research. Doing 70-hour weeks was OK. The result was money and respect among my colleagues.

A relationship with one woman uncovered my weak side. I got burned because I abandoned my moral values for her.

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When love turns into an unhealthy obsession

My ex Clara was madly in love with me. Or so I thought. I mistook her being a control freak for love.

A month into our relationship, Clara said she was jealous of other ladies, every single one of them. That first conversation about jealousy, she carefully chose her words to avoid a brawl.

I hate arguing and steer clear of conflicts. Her take on the fair sex was an ego boost for me. My heart rate soared. I smiled. It felt cool someone took me seriously enough to be jealous. She was really in love with me!

It was a damn wake-up call, a red flag I should’ve run away from. There was that itching feeling in the back of my mind something wasn’t right. But I was 24 and wasn’t exactly swimming in life experience.

A friend (a lady) from my hometown asked me in a public group on Facebook how I was doing.

“I’m good. How about we meet up when I stop by the city this summer?”

My friend was cool with eating pizza with me. There were no second thoughts. We’d done that before.

The moment I posted the reply, Clara vanished into thin air. When she texted me the next day, she was very upset because of my comment. She’d cried all night and felt betrayed.

Clara knew she could go a step further and said I should stop talking to my friend altogether.

My blood stopped in my veins. I felt like my free will was snatched away from me. It was a choice I didn’t want to make. My ex was important to me but so was my friend.

It wasn’t a man’s choice of a woman. My girlfriend was a woman, my friend — another human being.

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It got worse

I ended up choosing the lesser of the two evils and told my friend on the phone we couldn’t see each other anymore. There was a long silence. She must’ve had a thousand questions but didn’t press the matter. I know it wasn’t the best day of her life.

That’s how I lost a friend. Our pizza days in the restaurant across my house were over. Tons of memories flooded my mind and made me feel melancholic.

Clara didn’t stop there. I noticed over the next two years she had a good idea whom I sent emails. She could suddenly bring up a person I’d emailed the day before. One time, Clara looked me in the eye and asked if I’d emailed a certain woman.

I can be dumb when it comes to connecting the dots between obvious things. But my brain works fine long-term. One day as I was falling asleep, the realization hit that my girlfriend knew too many specific details I’d never told her. I must’ve tossed and turned a thousand times in bed that night.

It just didn’t occur to me that she had an eye on my email account. It was too mind-blowing to be true. I still don’t know how she hacked my password. She didn’t say when I confronted her. My only takeaway from that conversation was that “I didn’t understand anything at all”.

I’ll spare you the details of our argument. That one wasn’t an ego boost. You may think you feel smart when you catch someone spying on you.

Not at all. I felt like sh*t when we were done talking. I knew there was no going back.

The worst part? I could only blame myself.

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Is it you or the brain?

Neuroscience experiments by Benjamin Libet suggest there’s no free will. He discovered the “unconscious initiation” of conscious decision-making.

Libet’s team instructed the subjects to flick their wrists at a random moment while recording their brains’ electric signals before and after. The researchers registered cerebral activity leading up to the conscious decision half a second before the subject consciously felt they decided to move their hand. The actual move came another half a second later.

The brain decides you flick your wrist. Then, you make the conscious decision to flick your wrist. It’s not “you”, it’s the brain. It’s an interesting finding. And it’s scary as hell.

Are we responsible for our actions or is it the “brain”? If it’s the brain, who are “we”, then?

Libet’s experiment highlights the role of unconscious decision-making. But you should still take the responsibility for what you do.

If the brain made decisions unconsciously, criminals wouldn’t be tried in court. We’d attribute their horrific acts to their brains and not to them. Humans would be like animals, responding uncontrollably to primal stimuli like sustenance and reproduction. There’d be no conscience, no curiosity, and no long-term goals.

Giving in to Clara’s demand to stop talking to another woman was compromising my moral values. It was ignoring my unconscious and choosing the path of the least resistance.

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How to win back your free will

You’re human because you do what you need, not necessarily what you want. Libet himself says his result applies to “one very limited form of such acts” (the act of flicking your wrist).

Free will is gone when you let someone else dictate your decisions. Do that once and see the sh*t hit the fan big time. You’ll need a thousand years to get out of that rabbit hole.

Be strong-willed from the get-go instead. Cultivate your willpower by controlling your thoughts in everyday life.

I still indulge in negative self-talk when I hear of 25-year-old self-made millionaires. If I only had done this and that a decade ago! The chaos in my head makes me close my eyes and scream in frustration like a spoiled kid. It’s a sign my body needs a physical challenge.

So I go out to run, rain or shine. Raindrops hitting my face don’t stop me. The workout is a reminder my body and thoughts need maintenance. One hour of intense physical activity replaces a pack of antidepressants. I begin to think positively and wish everyone a great day.

That doesn’t have to be sports. You may hate running. Do something uncomfortable that you must do anyway — reply to a bunch of emails, apologize to your partner, or begin fixing the leaking roof in your house. Don’t choose the path of the least resistance.

You reboot your gray matter when you make an effort to feel good. It’s a conscious decision to act. You can make this decision right now.

That’s your free will.

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The bottom line

Keep your values like Frodo kept the ring. They’re part of identity. The moment you neglect them, you block your inner voice, your unconscious mind.

A loving partner will understand and accept you for what you are. You may eventually choose to change your mind, which is fine. It’s a sign of maturity.

Make sure it’s your decision alone. You’re free to make it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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