It’s Time to Stop Building the Armor

“Who are these fresh faces on my jogging route? The sun comes out and suddenly everyone realizes they need to run? Is this what I get for finally becoming familiar with the older judgemental lady walking her dog (am I judgemental for thinking that she’s judgemental)?”

It only takes one slight inconvenience to bring to light my most judgmental side. But why? Why am I always on edge?

To be fair to the universe, I was the one to create the inconvenience by leaving late, which The Classic Morning Conversation below will provide some insight into.

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The Classic Morning Conversation

Featuring: Temptation-laden Brain, Brainy Ambitious Amy & Practical Patricia

Temptation-laden Brain: “Woah there — you feel a bit woozy now that you sat up. And a little woozy when you went to sleep last night. I don’t want to jump to conclusions. I don’t want to be that part of the brain, but…maybe you’re just really dehydrated, something you ate, and what are the symptoms of vertigo again? Again, totally don’t want to be that part of the brain, you’re already in bed, it’s so fucking warm and let’s just stay on the safe side of this. Let’s just take a day off. You’ve been running every day now. Maybe it’s time for a break so you can heal.”

Brainy Ambitious Amy: “Are you serious? Vertigo. You think you have vertigo? You’re basically already out of bed. The light has been turned on. Pajamas have been removed. It’s time to go. Don’t play yourself.”

Finally, conflict-averse, everyone’s best friend, Practical Patricia comes in.

Practical Patricia: “Okay, okay. Why can’t we just do both? Why don’t you take a quick nap and go for a walk? And if you feel like it — turn it into a run.”

Ding, Ding, Ding. Practical Patricia has done it again — a simple yet sensible solution.

And whatcha know? I definitely felt worse after the nap!

. . .

Fast forward half an hour and I’m up and at it. Across the street, I saw a woman running — sort of struggling. I instantly thought — “Woof she must have just started running. She can’t catch her breath.” And it hit me — that was me only two weeks ago. My ultimate fear was just that — people judging me for how slowly I was running or how out of shape I seemed. That was my fear in gym class with Mr. H saying, “It’s okay, Flo. Only two more push-ups to go.” My arms shaking while the whole class stared at me. “I bet Ryan is laughing at me right now. Fuck.”

To be fair, I don’t know if Ryan was laughing at me. I couldn’t see him through my face sweat. Yes, I sweat almost exclusively on my face. Exactly where I want to be sweating. As the weight of my body crushed my arms, I thought, “I bet Isabella doesn’t fucking face sweat. I wonder what life as Isabella is like.”

And now, years later I had become my worst nightmare from elementary school. The worst, judgmental person that I imagined out in the world trying to make me feel inadequate and live in fear of achieving my goals was, in fact, me at my worst. Because we all know the motto — judge and treat others like shit before they do the same to you.

To be clear, my worst was only after a slight change to my routine or expectation. Perhaps, I labeled this change subconsciously as an inconvenience because it brought to the surface my fear of being judged or being seen as out of place.

In retaliation, I judged someone I was only a few days ago. I was quick to differentiate and jump to comparisons to feel superior. “I’m not out of place. She is.” I was so desperate to escape the pain from my own fear and insecurity that I blurred the reality for my convenience. The reality being — we are all in the same. We’ve all been there. If we’re avoiding pain by failing to acknowledge our fear, we become the worst versions of ourselves.

I was so willing to see the worst in others. When in reality, we all have the same energies and needs. Supporting others even I’m not explicitly vocal, makes me feel so much better than the temporary high achieved with feelings of superiority. That feeling when I compliment a stranger and see their face light up, leaves the world slightly brighter than comparing myself to them and finding ways that I’m superior.

If I truly am confident in who I am, I would not have to compare and judge for temporary highs. Because after all, what does it say about me if putting someone else down makes me feel better about myself? What was I overcompensating for? What was I trying to repress?

Those temporary high situations always have bad comedowns filled with guilt and remorse, but I consistently do it anyway. Those feelings are an indication of the universe sensing the energies I was dispelling into the world (yes, even if no one heard me). People can sense the negative energy spilling from you as you desperately try to guard yourself against the worst people and situations you’ve imagined. What if the worst nightmare doesn’t actually exist? What if that’s a narrative I had created to justify being a judgemental person? If that is the case, maybe I don’t need to build an armor equipped with judgment, unjustified hatred and feelings of superiority.

Secure, confident, and loving people don’t need armor. Scared ones do.

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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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