Irecently was out with a friend who had asked me how online dating was going. I described a guy I had just gone on a second date with.
“Aww, you’re such a simp,” she told me. Which, basically, was her way of conveying I care too much. (By caring at all.)
“I am? Ugh, I think I like him,” I replied. “When are you supposed to tell someone you like them.”
“On the fifth date,” she responded automatically.
If you have tried online dating, you probably know how rare a fifth date is. They are rare because you can’t connect emotionally with your match. Because you aren’t allowed to care. Caring means you’re too interested, and that causes people to lose interest in you. So, of course, you move on because dating apps are full of other people doing the same things with other people.
If you aren’t familiar with this, check out this story by Renata Gomes that does a fantastic job of explaining this conundrum:
My friend was essentially telling me I would never get the opportunity to express my interest, unless I expressed it too early, which would cause my match to lose interest.
Oh man.
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I recently finished a book titled, Attached, which is about Attachment Theory and how it applies to relationships. The advice given in the book differs from a lot of contemporary dating advice, and honestly, it sounds a lot healthier.
It is about conveying your feelings, wants, needs, etc. to your partner in a health way. If the responses you get from your partner aren’t healthy, maybe you should question if the relationship is worth your time.
If he continues to belittle her and devalue her feelings, then she must ask herself whether she wants to be with someone like that for the long-term.
— Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love
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Takeaway
Whether you are dating or in a relationship, don’t subscribe to the idea that you have to play along with “chill” dating culture.
Don’t be afraid to care. If this scares someone away, they’re not someone you want to be with.
Don’t be afraid to state your feelings. If this makes someone withdraw, they’re not someone you want to be with.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want or need. If someone can’t meet your needs, you have to know when to walk away.
You are the only one living your life.
Please don’t forget that.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Michal Vrba on Unsplash
