Is there anything more challenging in life than trying to become a strong, healthy, and secure adult?
I think not.
We start our lives out as helpless babies. We reluctantly move from children into the confusing teen years. Our next task is to get an education and become gainfully employed young adults. And ultimately, we hope to settle down as decent, mature, “grown-ups.”
At least that’s the plan.
But it’s usually one heck of a rollercoaster ride with many ups and downs. And it entails working through some issues along the way.
Who among us doesn’t have a fascinating tale to tell about all we endured trying to get to where we are in life?
Whenever I listen to people tell me about their life’s journey, they’ll inevitably get to the part that describes the relationship they had with their parents — either as inspiration or frustration.
However, it doesn’t matter whether you come from a stable family or unstable one, a rich or poor background, or an over-loved or under-loved family, all of us have complaints about our childhood and the folks that raised us.
And we often carry those issues around with us throughout our lives.
We can all think of people we know that have issues with their parents. Even though they might harbor deep resentments, some people go their entire life, never bringing these issues up with their parents, which is not healthy. In contrast, others may proclaim not to be on speaking terms with their parents.
Whether or not they deserve it, forgiving your parents for their failures is key to moving your own life forward.
Shedding some weight
From my early 20s until my mid-30s, I blamed my parents for my struggles with life, work, and relationships. I lugged around this silent angst with me like an old beat-up suitcase stuffed with unresolved, toxic matter.
But when I reached my 34th year, I realized this baggage was weighing me down, impeding my progress, and preventing me from growing into the healthy and secure adult I wanted to become.
So I got rid of the items that — as organizing consultant, Marie Kondo says — “didn’t bring me joy anymore.”
Here are four insights that helped me make peace with my past and improve my relationship with my parents:
#1. Your parents are not superheroes. They’re ordinary humans.
As babies, we come out cute, cuddly, and innocent. But we’re also born selfish, self-centered, and perhaps even a little narcissistic. When we look up from the crib at our parents’ adoring faces, we assume their only purpose in life is to take care of us.
But when we find out our parents have other things going on in their lives — such as spouses, jobs, interests, and dreams outside of catering to our needs — it can stunt our development.
Part of the reason this realization is so traumatizing is that we depend on our parents to feed, clean, shelter, and take care of us. Without their care and protection, we wouldn’t make it long in this world, so we naturally cling to them.
As our guardians, we project onto our parents the archetypal role of the superhero. But we don’t like it when they step out of character and assume other roles in life — such as “lover,” “worker,” “seeker,” “artist,” and, most troubling, “ordinary human.”
The most crushing reality is seeing our parents fail as the perfect parent. Children idolize their parents and put them on a pedestal. But when you find out your SuperDad/Mom is an alcoholic, philanderer, or suffers from depression, it can shatter your image of them.
It’s inconceivable for most kids that our parents could be plain old humans with needs we can’t fill. And when our parents cannot live up to our unreasonable image and expectations, we can be merciless in our resentment and retaliation against them.
“How dare you be human and not live up to the role of SuperParent?”
Even full-grown adults sometimes struggle to allow their parents to be humans, to fall in and out of love, get divorces and make imperfect decisions.
Although we can accept and forgive our friends, coworkers, lovers, and ourselves for making mistakes, we can punish on our parents for their flaws.
However, the healthiest thing you can do in your life is to allow your parents to be fallible humans. To forgive them for being imperfect, making mistakes, and having needs outside of their offspring.
Raised by humans — not superheroes — is a much healthier way to look at our childhood. And accepting this reality part of growing up and moving forward in life.
#2. You don’t have to accept your parents’ template of life.
As kids, we have to live under the house rules our parents establish. Whether or not we like it, they define our routine, structure, boundaries, and values of our lives, at least for the first many years of our journey.
Since we depend on our parents on so many levels, we typically figure out their system quickly. And we learn to abide by their rules to get our needs met.
But as we get older, less dependent, and more self-confident, we see our parents’ failures and flaws more critically. We watch them confront challenges and make decisions we disagree with, and we can’t help but make declarations of how we’d do it differently.
We can be a little naïve and idealistic about these claims, particularly regarding the realities of work, money, success, and relationships. But over time, our view of how we believe life should be might conflict with our parents’ worldview. And we often stand up to them more and even defy their wishes.
But no matter how much we appear to distance ourselves from our parents’ worldview, we still carry around an embedded template of their life. And we continue to hear their definitions of right and wrong and success and failure echoing throughout our lives wherever we go.
Whether we’re young or old, children have an innate desire to make their parents proud, even when they’re angry or have little contact with them.
Our parents’ ideas form a vital part of the fire in our belly and our quest in life. Although we don’t always notice it, many kids try to live their parents’ un-lived life. And we often give up much of our own lives, wishes, and desires, trying to make our parents proud, or prove them wrong.
We usually try to make our parents proud by achieving their goals and filling out the template they established, even if we don’t like it.
Far too many children will pursue an educational program or career that will please their parents, but not fulfill their dreams. And worse, sometimes adult children will marry a particular type of person to gain their parents’ approval, even though it may not be what they want.
Many adult children fear making decisions that will go against their parents’ template of life. But when we hold back from pursuing something we want or need, it can ignite a quiet rage or visible reaction in us.
While our exterior self may “go along to get along,” our soul will try to take matters into its own hands and even sabotage things behind our back.
As adult children, we need to recognize that our parents have a template of life and a definition of right vs. wrong, success vs. failure that is their own.
But it doesn’t have to be our template.
As a kid, you had no say in the matter. You had to accept their terms and template. But as adults, you get to define your life in terms of your own. And you can take your parents’ template off your neck and give it back to them.
If your parents’ template helped keep you on the right path during your childhood, thank them for their guidance. However, if your parents’ template was destructive or endangered your life or health, you can let them know that you want no future part of that definition of life.
Sometimes, adult children have to draw their line with their parents about what behaviors, interactions, and interruptions they’ll not allow or tolerate.
But even in these tense situations, I still recommend forgiving your parents so you can move on with your life.
Last, just because your parents might have had a lousy template, this doesn’t mean you have to use it as your road map. Nor does it mean you’re doomed to repeat it. As a kid, you had no choice but to go along for the ride. But as an adult, you’re the driver of your life, and you get to choose where you want to go in life.
#3. Your parents are a lot funnier than you realize.
Sometimes I thought my parents were insane and weird. And at moments, I was ashamed at the things they said, did, and believed.
But I finally reached a point where I realized I didn’t have to accept or align with my parents’ values. Instead, I could observe them without threat to my self or identity.
As adult children, we have to remind ourselves that our parents’ values are theirs, not our own. And you don’t have to inherit these values unless you want them to be a part of your life.
Once I learned to recognize that my parents are separate from me, I no longer found them frustrating. Instead, I discovered they could be a fountain of hilarious stories.
People have watched prime time comedy TV shows about the differences between parents and their kids for generations.
Sitcoms like I Love Lucy, All In The Family, Sanford & Son, Rosanne, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Cosby Show, Arrested Development, and even The Simpsons gave us a portal into the dysfunctions of family life. And they provided us with a mirror into our own lives that made us laugh out loud.
Cult movies like Sixteen Candles and Meet The Parents do the same thing because we can relate to the value clashes that generational family dynamics entail. If you look at it through the right prism, these things can be funny, therapeutic, and healing.
The secret to life is finding humor in traumatic experiences. It’s always the best route to take to recover yourself.
For the last 20 years, I’ve loved being around my parents because they make me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever been around. I’ve collected their stories into a catalog of dysfunctional comedic tales. They provide me such meaningful material for life, which relates to my next point.
#4. Your parents carry vital parts of your story.
Many people go through their entire life, not getting to know their parents like you would a good friend.
We’re often so busy being upset with our parents we forget to study them and listen to what they have to say, right or wrong.
Your parents can provide the best eyewitness account of your life because they’re usually the ones who watched you grow up during childhood. And they can recount what they saw go down, which is helpful when you’re trying to piece together the story of your life.
Sometimes, one or both of the biological parents weren’t around, but even still, they hold vital details about your life.
My suggestion is that you interview your parents like a reporter. Ask them to tell you about your childhood, siblings, and family tree. Get them to describe any weird habits, quirks, or odd behaviors you had so you can put together the larger tapestry of your life.
Regardless of whether you agree with your parents, they hold some vital clues and keys to your memories that someday you’ll wish you had.
Assuming they’re still around, start interviewing your parents like you’re writing a biography, or perhaps a comedic sitcom. You can be upfront with them about these interviews or slip them into your dialog without them even noticing.
Either way, collect all the information, data, and eyewitness accounts of your life as best you can.
Forgive and move on.
Some people have legitimate reasons to be angry with their parents. But this anger can wear you down more than most people realize.
However, forgiving them will make your life so much better and healthier.
It will help you remove some dead weight you’ve been carrying around in your life. And it will allow you to get closer to becoming the secure adult you’ve always wanted to be.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Marco Bianchetti on Unsplash