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A sinister plague has spread across the land. People everywhere are beset by a sudden desire to express moral outrage. They’re shocked, offended by what they see and are very, very close to taking action. They’re really, thinking about doing something. I mean any minute now they will jump in and keep the train from going off the rails but first, they must release a strongly worded statement expressing their regret and displeasure. On second thought, a well-crafted tweet should suffice. I mean, what else can they do? It’s not as if they have the power to change the outcome! The pandemic started in Washington, D.C. but has since sprouted up in cities and towns across the United States.
In Buffalo, New York 84-year-old Judy Moore waited patiently for her beloved grandson John to phone. Judy had recently undergone hip surgery. John promised to call but was suddenly beset by a desire to do something, anything else. John knew he should call nana but he’d just started season four of Game of Thrones on Netflix and wanted to see if King Baratheon finally got his comeuppance. John promised himself he would call soon. He didn’t. Grandma died a week later. John didn’t attend the funeral — he has a thing about crying in public.
Minneapolis resident Asher Boyd promised his best bud Finn that he’d help him move. Finn had just moved to the Twin Cities and didn’t know anyone else. The weather outside was a brisk -6 the day Finn rolled into town. He texted Asher who never responded. Asher felt bad about ghosting his “number 1 bro-seph” but it was freezing outside. I mean, Finn was being selfish by not putting his stuff in storage till spring. Asher would most-likely-totally lend a hand in June provided the mosquitoes weren’t too bad. Finn slipped on the icy sidewalk while trying to move a sofa by himself and tore his ACL. Coincidentally, a “hot babe” moved into Asher’s apartment that same day. A true gentleman, Asher volunteered to unload the moving truck by himself.
City workers in Pocatello, Idaho were convinced they should repair the gaping pothole in the middle of Yellowstone Avenue. A steady stream of vehicles rolled across the busy thoroughfare every day. The trio put up caution signs and placed orange cones around the hole. They’d brought shovels and fresh asphalt. The workers almost filled in the pothole but were soon lost in a philosophical discussion about the absurdity of the task. Why fix something that will only break again? Traffic backed up on Yellowstone Avenue. Motorists got out to see what was the matter. Soon, they too were absorbed by the question of whether or not the problem should be solved. They, the workers, motorists and indeed the entire town, are still standing in the middle of the road wondering what they should do. They’ve been that way for 72 days.
The contagion appears to know no limits. History itself is under siege. Traces of the disease have been found all the way back in 1787. Indeed, the Founding Fathers appear to have been infected. Yes, they thought, slavery was probably bad and women might want to vote but Democracy is a fragile thing. Too much freedom and justice are dangerous. Still, the founders were conflicted. Tell you what, they said, we’ll count slaves as three-fifths of a person. In the immortal words of James Madison, “we cool?”
The malady has also overtaken entertainment. Just note what happened in Avengers: Infinity War. Our heroes are in an epic, winner-take-all battle with the evil Thanos. There’s a moment when Captain America can save the day. The other Avengers have the Mad Titan distracted.
“Captain! Grab the stones,” said Black Widow.
“Well…”said Captain America.
“What do you mean, well?”
“I’ve been thinking. Sure, Thanos is not a nice guy.”
“Not a nice guy! He wants to kill half the universe.”
“True, but do I really want to anger someone so powerful?”
“Yes! Dear God yes!”
“But what if I fail? What if Thanos wins? I don’t want to be on his bad side.”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!”
“Whoa! Pump the brakes on the rage mobile. You’re being a little irrational right now. Did Aunt Flo come to town?”
“You son of a b — !”
In that moment Black Widow is killed by Thanos.
“She was so annoying,” said Thanos.
“Right? BTW, I’m Captain America.”
The two shake hands.
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Photo credit: Getty Images