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Shadow work around perfectionism has been the most challenging for me. Growing up, I was always straight-A student and Valedictorian. Whenever something was too difficult for me to master quickly, I decided that I didn’t enjoy it and quit. In the seventh grade, I signed up for basketball and after three days of running for “conditioning”, I was already saying, “Nope! Not for me! This isn’t getting me anywhere!”
Recently as I was listening to The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo, her advice to “just do B- work and get it out into the world” enraged my inner perfectionist. Why in the world would I ever want to produce B- work? I’m an A+ kind of woman; the idea of having a B- website, a B- podcast, a B- online course, and a B- book would absolutely RUIN me. The shame of disappointing others would also feel unbearable. This is the thing about going into and integrating the shadow side – it will try to cling on and keep you from becoming whole.
It felt like Brooke was just not getting me. The truth was, she got me completely and allowed me to forgo perfection in order to maintain my commitment to myself while developing the discipline that would actually move me forward.
Instead of becoming paralyzed by the goal of unattainable perfectionism, I felt the energy of FREEDOM in letting go.
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists – it’s so easy to keep us quiet.” — Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
Why is it that we allow ourselves to be so weighed down with shame, perfectionism, and fear?
I know that for me it was because… I simply never knew there was another way. I thought that embarking on a messy journey of learning and growth, without instant mastery and perfection, would make me look a failure.
How does this affect me now as a woman, a leader, a wife, a mother, and an entrepreneur? It is paralyzing when I let it rule me – which can only happen if I disown it as a part of who I am. The inner perfectionist becomes ravenous for power when I starve it, fight it, and separate myself from it.
Have you been there, too, wondering:
- What if someone really hates what I’m creating?
- What if my family thinks I’m going to hell in a handbasket for these beliefs and practices I’m adopting?
- What if I offend people I love and they abandon me?
- What if it’s not good enough to actually help anyone?
- What if no one ever even reads what I’m writing?
- What if no one listens or takes action on this advice?
And of course, this leads to the REAL questions…
- What if no one praises me or rewards my efforts?
- What if I don’t get the attention I crave?
- What if there are no pats on the back?
- What if it isn’t as good as so-and-so’s?
- What if everyone thinks I’m a fraud and a failure?
Maybe reading all of those questions written out feels like a punch in your perfectionistic shadow-side. Love, you get to shift that. It’s a suffocating energy. The weight of it is keeping you stagnant on a vibrational level. You’ve been holding on, carrying this B.S. around, while not really looking deep inside and shining a light into your shadows.
You are not alone and there is NO shame here. Let’s confess together, “I am a recovering perfectionist and I give myself permission to bring this part of myself into the light.”
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This piece is a modified excerpt from the book Worship HER: Resurrect Your Pleasure, Embody Your Sexual Power, and Live Unapologetically for YOU. Published with permission from the Author, Steena Marie Brown. Worship HER is available on Amazon.
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