They are the fathers driving their kids to swim practice twice a week, they are the boyfriends folding laundry at their future in-laws house and they are husbands who proudly declare, “Yes, my wife stays home and she is a writer and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
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When I was pregnant with my first child there was something that I desperately wanted to talk to my husband about, but I was afraid that he wouldn’t support me; I wanted to be a stay at home mom. He had grown up with both of his parents working full-time and he was intent on us having two incomes. At the time, we needed all the money we were bringing in to keep up on our new house payment and to help pay down the debt that we had accumulated during the first year of our marriage. When I finally broached the subject of becoming a one income family, he was hesitant and listed off all the reasons that it would make our life harder. Most of his reasoning revolved around finances, so I attempted to ease his mind with the realities of child care costs, my travel costs to and from work and what value I felt we should place on family as opposed to money. In the end, I had his support and sadly, that surprised me.
Growing up, I never felt supported by the men in my life, I usually felt shamed. Shame for not being perfect, shame for acting out, shame for not being pretty enough and shame for being someone else’s child. There was a lot of shame and I assumed that was normal, that that was how men were. In early relationships I never asked for the support I wanted or needed because I was fearful that my significant other would leave or say no. Instead I created relationships that were based on a false me, a me who liked what they liked, a me who catered to them even when I didn’t want to and a me who never asked to be supported in what I wanted. It didn’t create the fulfilling relationships I desired and looking back I can see how destructive my behavior was in those relationships. I didn’t trust men enough to be vulnerable and I imagine that was painfully obvious to them, as well.
Since our first conversation about my desire to stay home with our children, my husband has become not only supportive, but my personal advocate. When our children were small and people would ask what I did all day, he would quickly reply that if they had never been home with a colicky newborn and a potty training three year old then they really wouldn’t understand what my job entailed. He has been my cheerleader ever since. After entering the workforce again a few years later, I was blessed to work for a corporation that provided our family with amazing health insurance and peace of mind as my husband started a small business in our basement. Six years into that job, I tentatively approached my husband once again with my desire to switch gears and pursue my passion. I wanted to write. I wanted to be home with our kids, make dinner and put words on paper with no guarantee of ever making a dime. We would lose our health insurance, my 401K, and the nest egg we had been squirreling away. I expected the worst.
Even with his staunch support throughout the previous 11 years, I was still fearful of being shamed if I asked for the support I needed from the man I loved the most. Once again, my fears were unfounded and we began making plans for this huge financial adjustment. Over the last two years he has been the man who has told everyone that his wife is a writer, even when I had nothing substantial to show for it. When I had the opportunity to attend a writing conference in another state he didn’t flinch, but instead booked me a last minute hotel and car rental and told me to stop being scared. “You are a good writer and people need to know that.” We have struggled with paying the dentist bills and have endured a very long stretch of being a one income family with terrible health insurance, but his support never wavers.
At a family dinner last week as we were all sharing what we were grateful for he said, “I’m grateful for my job because it allows you to live your dream of writing.” I’ve learned that supportive men are not an anomaly. They are the fathers driving their kids to swim practice twice a week, they are the boyfriends folding laundry at their future in-laws house and they are husbands who proudly declare, “Yes, my wife stays home and she is a writer and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
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Photo: Timothy Tsui/Flickr
Mandy, I’m very happy that you found this, and gratified that you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. More women would benefit from learning that they don’t have to distrust their partner and can let go. You probably already know this, but the flip side of this problem is just as painful, with its own pitfalls. I’m no angel. My flaws have caused and worsened relationship problems, but I’d like to describe the other side of the supportiveness issue. I was with my high school girlfriend for almost 25 years, nearly 20 of them married. We seemed quite attached and interdependent… Read more »