Ladies, Don’t Rush to Find Love

This isn’t an anti-relationship article, nor is it a pro-single one. This is a true love article.

When I was in my mid-twenties, a few people told me, “If you don’t learn to lower your standards a little, you’ll end up single for the rest of your life.” Being Miss Independent, I didn’t let it bother me, but eventually, those words that had entered my subconscious mind played out in real life when I ended up lowering my standards out of fear of ending up alone.

I was 30 when I found myself in an abusive relationship with a man addicted to cocaine and other drugs. Some, (especially in the arts and entertainment industry,) wouldn’t consider that such a big deal — it was the norm and even the highlight of nightlife where most of our networking opportunities occurred.

He was fun, exciting, charming, affectionate, talented, and supportive of my musical career at the time, but he was also violent, manic, and quick-tempered. Part of the reason I stayed even as things worsened, was because I felt like “I had to make it work” and that arguing and making up (regardless of how bad it got) was a part of maintaining a steady relationship. Add in the fact, that I didn’t want to “look bad” if I had to date another “new” person after him.

It was the pressure of appearing slutty or like that saying we hear, “Don’t you know how to keep a man?” I had thought that by age 30, I should be settled into a steady relationship or I was doomed for a motherless life of singlehood. On top of that, the more time we spent together, the more I wanted to save him from his drug addiction. Isn’t that how we feel as we grow closer to someone? Like we want to help?

By the time the abuse turned from verbal to physical, the damage had already been done. I was that girl who was engaged to a man that had strangled and squeezed my neck until my eyes rolled back. Afraid to run to the hospital or to the police, I left him and didn’t want to get the authorities involved because I didn’t want to relive the experience with dragged-out court dates. Hence, after escaping that toxic relationship, my healing journey didn’t happen overnight, which leads me to the point that the pressure that was put on me to hurry up and find love, had pushed me even further back, because then it had taken me extra years just to heal from having hit rock bottom with an abuser.

Why did it take years instead of months? Because, despite the following relationships that weren’t “as bad” as the previous one, they still weren’t the best for me — but I was settling, thinking that anything was better than what I had before.

It’s like falling 20 feet into a hole and as you climb back up, you might be 10 feet or 5 feet closer to the light, but what you don’t realize is that you’re still in that hole, even if you’re not as low as you were before.

Here’s the kicker, once you finally get out of the hole and back into the light, despite being on solid ground, you’ll still have more levels to rise if you want to live passionately — jumping, soaring, and flying high! Hence, finally making it out of the hole might be a huge relief as you find yourself amongst “healthy circles” within a “healthy vibration,” but hopefully you also start to realize that not only is life as good as you make it, but that good can become great!

WHEN LARGE WOUNDS HEAL, THEY SHRINK INTO SMALLER & THINNER CUTS BUT BE MINDFUL THAT CUTS ARE STILL VULNERABLE

Wherever you are in the spectrum of dating, please remember that you are your first love. If you’re not mindful of the tenderness, love, and care that you deserve, then you’ll jump on the first great thing that comes your way because you’re so grateful for a high vibrational partner. But, you have to be honest with yourself. Just because you meet an incredibly healthy man doesn’t mean that you’re ready to enter into a healthy relationship. (I’m not saying that you’re definitely not because you can totally be, but what I’m saying is, to be honest about where you are in the process of self-healing because you are your first love). In fact, you might even realize that you’re not even ready to date in the first place. And guess what!? That’s ok! Who cares how much time has passed? You’re not missing out on your chance to find true love just because you’re getting older. That’s where people go wrong.

Image by kylefromthenorth for Unsplash

When you go against your own “natural rhythm & flow,” the pressure you put on “moving too fast” will actually set you “back even further.”

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t trust that the right match will strike. Different relationships serve different purposes at different times of your life. Hence, not every relationship is meant to be your happily ever after, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t be beautifully inspiring.

THE MORE SELF-LOVE YOU HAVE, THE MORE YOUR CUP RUNNETH OVER

When your cup is full, you won’t require so much from others. Instead, you’ll be an excellent giver because you naturally have so much to give. The issue that I personally had (and so many others do too) is when they begin to pour into someone who doesn’t stop taking (or manipulates you into giving more because they pull on your heartstrings). This is why I mentioned that self-healing takes time and we shouldn’t just jump on the first few healthy people we meet — because unfortunately, there is the possibility of being deceived.

Some people may read this and think that this article sounds very fear-based, but it’s not. It’s acknowledging and accepting the fact that there are different types of people in the world and while some are wonderfully amazing, others are not.

A part of loving yourself is protecting yourself. You can (and should) absolutely be a giver of abundance and love, but there is a saying, “Do not cast your pearls before swine.”

I’ll use this as a metaphor:

Sometimes, water can be so healing and pure, that any kind of dirty object you throw into the pool will instantly become cleansed. However, other times, a swamp can be so thick and muddy, that any clean object you throw in there, becomes dirty too. In other words, whichever is the more dominant between the two, is the one that will change the other.

So, when you’re practicing self-love, being honest about where you’re at and what you can (and can not handle) is necessary for your well-being.

Remember, when you give your resources, time, energy, or a helping hand when dating someone, give from a place of empowerment so that you don’t become like “the well that runs dry.” Just another reason why sometimes, rushing to find love and lock it down, can drain your cup which at one point in time, used to runneth over.

OPEN UP TO THE UNIVERSAL FLOW OF ABUNDANCE WHICH COMES IN THE FORM OF SIGNS & SYNCHRONICITIES

Back when I was in that abusive relationship, the universe would give me signs and coincidences that came in the form of warnings, but I ignored them. (I don’t know why?) But each time, the signs became more frequent as if something supernatural was trying to tell me to get off the path that I was on.

For example, we’d turn on the TV and the movie we’d watch would happen to have a scene of a woman getting beat up by her husband or boyfriend such as, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” — The Tina Turner story. At first, I thought nothing of it because society is so accustomed to watching violence across the screen. But I began noticing, that a few times when we’d find a movie to watch, there would always be a similar scene on domestic violence.

The same is true when it happens to be a blessing that’s coming your way or when the universe is supporting your current path. Many years back when I had relocated from Brooklyn, NY to Los Angeles, CA for a Summer, out of all the streets I could’ve lived on, I just happened to live up the street from Jasmine Ave. There were also Jasmine flowers growing in front of the apartment complex that I was living in, and my name, of course, is Jasmine! In addition to that, a bicoastal woman who I had befriended that same year back in NYC just happened to work a few blocks away from where I was staying in Los Angeles — within walking distance. So, I was in good company.

I had goals and dreams of becoming a prominent Singer/Songwriter (which I later accomplished) and when looking back, I believe that it was completely healthy to focus on my goals without the interference of rushing into a commitment. In fact, the rushing is what distracted and tripped me up.

I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with falling in love. Of course not! Sharing our lives with other people is what life’s all about. We weren’t even born by ourselves, so to some extent, humans are naturally interdependent on each other. But the idea of rushing into a relationship before we pass our child-bearing years because we’re fighting against a biological time clock pressures us into making hasty decisions instead of empowering “heart-centered” ones that usually happen in “divine timing.” I just don’t understand why society creates these “one-size fits all” rules. Whether you find romantic love at the age of 25, 35, 45, 55, 65, or 75, does that necessarily mean that you didn’t experience other types of love throughout the rest of your life? What about friendships? What about business collaborations? What about traveling? What about creating? What about all of the different types of opportunities for self-discovery that change with the seasons as we evolve? Can’t we accomplish this with or without a significant other?

I’ll tell you what you definitely can’t do; You can’t do anything without yourself. You need you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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