Ladies: Please Stop Doing This to Men

Her, Again.

His phone buzzed and I glanced over with raised eyebrows. I knew who it was — he never hid anything from me — but I was surprised that she had sent yet another message.

He sighed as he turned his phone to show me the message from her.

Can’t wait. See you soon. ❤

…

We’re Together!

Her name was Feta (yes, like the cheese) and her worst kept secret was the mad crush she had on the man I was dating.

I did not care for Feta (the girl, not the cheese). She was quite a nice girl, pretty and fun to talk to. In fact, I liked her just fine until the night she introduced me to Jakob.

When she said, “You two should dance!”, she clearly did not mean, “…for the rest of the night and every weekend for the next three years”. She meant dance once, and then hand him back over.

By the end of that winter evening when Jakob and I had our first dance, he became mine before I knew what was happening. After two hours of dancing mostly together, and three more hours talking in a hotel lobby, we parted ways. I suspect we both knew one thing for sure that night.

Our future together was slowly being sewn into place.

It would become evident the following weekend when we showed up together at a local dance. Then again the weekend after when we attended a potluck party together — with only one dish.

You know. Couple things.

The kind of things Feta clearly noticed and did not like.

…

Show some respect

Feta and Jakob had been casual dance friends for a few months before I entered the picture. She was not a flirtatious kind of a girl, but the kind who knew what she wanted, went after it and somehow, still ended up alone at home.

She had thrown several suggestive remarks Jakob’s way, invitations that seemed innocent enough but clearly were not, along with text messages that made my eyes pop open with what I was reading between the lines.

She knew we were together. When she texted to ask if he was going to the dance that night, he responded with, “Yes, we will be there.” At the venue, he paid my cover, kissed the top of my head each time he wrapped his arm around my waist and ordered my favorite cocktail for me.

You know, more “couple things”.

It didn’t take long before she slid between us and asked him for a dance.

That particular night, she kept clinging to him, holding him hostage in an endless conversation, then asking him to dance again and again and again. I was distracted by catching up with an old friend that night, but when I glanced his way I saw something I didn’t expect.

Jakob looked oddly uncomfortable.

And Feta looked like she would win a high-end toaster oven if she closed the deal of the century by closing time.

I knew something that Feta didn’t. She stood zero chance with him. He was not attracted to her one bit. His heart was falling madly in love with me. She was a friend to him — nothing more — and that would never change.

But that didn’t stop her from trying.

…

Drop Your Handkerchief

The second we got in the car, he let it all out. She was digging for details about our relationship. She made a super snarky comment about me that did not sit well with him. She once again murmured how she wanted him for herself, and extended yet another invitation to come over for dinner.

He could have been flattered. And maybe he was the first time it happened.

But this time, he was pissed. She was making him feel extremely uncomfortable. She kept making advances that made her intentions clear. He was very polite in his rejection of her invitations and suggestions, assuming that my presence and his constant mention of me was sufficient for her to get the hint.

But she didn’t get the hint. She clearly thought that if she kept pushing, she would somehow win him over and pull him away from me.

Good luck with that, Feta.

Ladies. If a man wants you, he will pursue you. This doesn’t mean you should be super passive and wait 45 years for a man to approach you. Go ahead — playfully drop a hint. Flirtatiously express your interest.

Drop your handkerchief.

Every woman should know how to do this — literally or figuratively. If I want a man to talk to me, I might ask if he would please hold my drink while I remove my coat or find the lip gloss in my purse.

This opens the door for the man to choose how to respond based on his interest in engaging with me.

Either he hands my drink back and turns back to his friends, or he finds a way to keep talking with me and eventually… invite me out for a date.

Works Every. Single. Time.

Drop your damn handkerchief.

…

But Drop It One Time

Yes, drop your handkerchief — but do it ONE TIME. You don’t keep dropping stuff in front of a man for him to pick up to hand back to you if he is clearly doing so just to be polite. If he wants to get to know you, he will act upon the first opportunity.

Once will be enough. Here’s why.

A man generally knows immediately if you are his type. He has already classified you as someone he could see romantically— or definitely not.

Trust me. He knows. And his stance likely won’t change over time.

If you open the door for him to engage with you, he will either act on it, or intentionally choose not to. Or, it may register later that he screwed up a chance to get to know you, and he’ll find a way to fix that later.

Jakob knew where he classified me the moment we met.

Just as he knew with Feta, too.

…

Woman Can Be Creepy Too

Instead of accepting that Jakob was with me, Feta acted like I did not exist and saw Jakob as a free agent.

But Jakob had chosen me. And he made that clear. To everyone.

Her failure to respect Jakob’s decision to choose me led to them not talking again after that night. He felt so uncomfortable that a casual salute was the extent of their contact.

The best way to totally turn off a man? Disrespect the decisions or choices he makes and violate the boundaries he sets.

When a man clearly demonstrates that he is not going to take action on exploring something with a girl, she needs to back off — and let it go.

Pushing it with a man who clearly does not want you is creepy. You don’t like it when men do that with you, so don’t do it to them.

Interfering with someone else’s relationship is creepy. Sending flirtatious heart messages to another woman’s man is creepy. Insulting the relationship that he has chosen for himself is rude and ill-mannered. Dominating a man who is with another woman is weird and inappropriate.

If you are doing things that result in the couple talking about you on the drive home in a way that isn’t positive, you need to check yourself. If you are creating drama, concern or weirdness for a couple, it’s time to back off entirely.

You may become a joke to them, just something they laugh about (as Feta was for us), or something they fight over, or someone they simply feel awkward around.

If your behavior creates drama in someone’s relationship — you are out of line. It’s time to straighten up and fly right.

…

You want a man?

Find one who isn’t obviously taken. Take the time to see who is clearly not attached before you make your move.

Then drop the handkerchief. If the guy kicks mud over it and walks away, shed a tear and go home to get a new handkerchief.

And then try again with a new guy… One who seems like maybe he just needs a bit of encouragement to come your way. The guy who simply needs a reason, a silly excuse to talk to you, because he’s been eyeing you the moment you walked in the room because you’re exactly his type.

Yes. That guy. ❤

…

If you find my advice helpful and have a situation you’d like support with, let’s connect for a free introductory call to explore if we’re a good fit for a coaching session. To book a free 15-minute call, click here.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***