Last week, someone from the office asked me out.
And for a moment, just a small, flickering moment, I forgot I was still broken.
She asked gently. Not in a grand, dramatic way. More like a question you ask when you already sense the answer. Her voice was soft. She stood close, but not too close. The kind of closeness you offer to people you are interested in.
I smiled. Because that’s what I do. Smile when I want to cry. Smile when I’m scared. Smile when the answer is no, but I wish it could be yes.
She said, “Would you like to grab a coffee or maybe some beer over the weekend?”
And my heart did something strange. It stumbled. Like it wasn’t sure if it should race forward or shut down completely. Because it’s been a long time since someone asked. And an even longer time since I’ve let myself imagine saying yes.
I thought of someone else. Of someone who once sat across from me with the same question, only it wasn’t a question; it was a life. A life we almost had. A life that quietly slipped away.
I thought of how healing doesn’t always feel like progress. Sometimes it feels like politely saying no to someone kind because the hurt hasn’t left yet.
So I said no.
Not because I didn’t want to say yes. But because I’m not ready to stop missing someone who’s already gone.
She understood. I think. But even when someone understands, it still feels like you’ve disappointed them.
I went back to my desk. Pretended I wasn’t thinking about how saying no felt like losing someone else all over again.
And I hated that.
I hated that Grief still runs the show. I hated that heartbreak had made a home inside me.
But I also know this: healing is messy. And sometimes, saying no is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves, and for the ones we’re not ready to let in.
So, no, I’m not okay. Not fully. But I will keep showing up. And that counts for something.
Day 87/100
Home, Delhi
~ A
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: am syahrul on Unsplash
