Exactly how can we know how often happy couples should have sex?
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Tracy Moore wrote a really nice article over at Jezebel at the end of February called, “The Truth About How Much a Happy Couple Should Have Sex”. Apparently, an oft-quoted number is two times each week. According to Moore, that number is quoted so often that some couples therapists and marriage counselors ask their clients to commit to it as part of therapy.
Moore’s article is definitely worth a read. In the end, she did a great job making the argument that couples need to ignore what anyone else tells them about how often they’ll have sex if they want to be happy. Instead, she recommended that they figure out what works for them as a couple.
At least for your average, run of the mill couple, I can’t figure out a way to make this into bad advice.
Whether the topic is sex, housecleaning, pet ownership, or anything in between, relationship advice that doesn’t align with the general notion that couples should do what works for them as a couple is either bad advice or the exception that proves the rule.
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To argue against it is to advise that couples shouldn’t worry about what works for them and, instead, they should just do some other thing that doesn’t work for them. As a matter of fact, I’ll go so far as to say that, whether the topic is sex, housecleaning, pet ownership, or anything in between, relationship advice that doesn’t align with the general notion that couples should do what works for them as a couple is either bad advice or the exception that proves the rule.
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Where I see room for more discussion is in the “how”. I’m not talking about physical or temporal limitations like long distance relationships or conflicting work schedules. Those are going to vary from marriage to marriage and the solutions will vary, too. No, I’m talking about the question of how a couple figures out what works for them sexually. It’s not like we’re born with a birthmark that reads, “Have sex twice weekly” or “You’re an every day kinda guy”. As far as that goes, it’s not as if the stork dropped us on the doorstep of our doting parents with a note that said, “This one is gonna be really into leather!” so we can later compare birthmarks and notes with potential spouses for the best fit.
Even if it starts out that way, it’s really not as if a long term relationship that begins with a twice weekly sweet spot for sexual frequency or a reliance on leather to always be the thing that pushes it over the top can be counted on to remain static.
Libidos change. Tastes change. But, ideally, marriages don’t have to.
So, how is a couple supposed to figure out what works for them when it comes to sexual frequency?
Well, even in the absence of the birthmark or the stork’s note, there are a few things couples can do to get an idea about what works for them.
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Let’s start with basic communication skills. Without a basic ability to talk openly and honestly about sex, it’s likely to be pretty difficult to get on the same page.
Dr. Brian Gersho, Psy.D., offered the following guidelines:
1) It’s important to clear the air – figure out first if other relationship issues & potential resentments are affecting their sex life.
2) If other issues, attempt to address those first if possible.
3) Be direct and tell your partner that you’d like to find a good time to talk about something important.
For more specifics on how to communicate clearly and respectfully, see:
What Does Healthy Conflict Look Like and
Struggling to Get Your Partner to Listen? Try This.
Once both you and your partner are communicating clearly and are ready to focus on sex, the question becomes, “How?”
Dr. Gersho provided a few ideas for this, too, for times when things don’t seem to be synched up.
1) Respectfully and tactfully express your concern(s)” “I’m feeling frustrated that it appears you’re not interested in having sex very often.”
2) Use a “body map” (a primitive outline of the human body) and have each partner circle areas that turn them on. Then share/discuss.
3) Also, explicitly share what they like sexually and what they don’t. Have each list a min. of 3 of each. Then share/discuss.
These assume a couple of things. First, that you and your partner are both interested in addressing your sex lives. If you’re not, then it might be important to revisit whether there are other issues that need to be resolved first. Are there trust issues at work? Physical challenges? Resentments?
Second, they assume that you and your partner have both taken the time to give serious thought to your own needs individually. Depending on how sex might’ve been tied to other facets of life this could take more effort than it would initially appear. Is sex a source of shame or guilt? Helplessness? Is it closely tied to your sense of masculinity or femininity? Power? Is it how you unwind or does it wind you up? In other words, what are all the things that sex connects to in you own head?
Perhaps that’s really the crux of the matter. Even happy couples can’t come to a consensus about what types and frequencies of sex work for them as a couple until they’ve communicated with one another about what their sexual needs are. But they can’t communicate about those needs until each partner has a real understanding of their own individual needs. And it may be tough for some people to understand their own sexual needs if those needs are connected to other stuff that’s seemingly unrelated or even painful.
Our sexuality is pretty central to who we are. That fact has the capacity to make it important and complicated in equal measure.
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So, what is the Last Word on the Mating Habits of Happy Couples? Tracy Moore was absolutely right: Happy couples are going to do what works for them. Dr. Gersho was also absolutely right: Both partners will need to communicate clearly, openly, and respectfully about their sexual needs. And in order to do that, each partner is going to need to really know what makes them tick — both in and out of bed. Easier said than done, of course. But when it comes to taking a good look at ourselves, it often seems that the first glance is always the hardest.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
How often to have sex? Easy. At least five times a week and twice on Saturdays and Sundays.
agree (y)