For approximately 35 years of my life, I was the ultimate Christian. Yet, there was always something in the back of my mind. Something I couldn’t shake.
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I attended church regularly, I prayed fervently and often, I was a scholar of scripture. I gave my first sermon at 19 years old, and by the time I was 21, pastor of my first church. I attended seminary; I volunteered for Christian causes and organizations, I tithed, I believed. Indeed, I walked he walk and talked the talk. Yet, there was always something in the back of my mind. Something I couldn’t shake.
After several years of investigation, self-examination, and unanswerable questions I became an Atheist.
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Through my life, as I read more and studied things beyond religion, I began to find discrepancies. Differences in what I had been taught to believe and what was accurate. These included a number of issues, from historical inaccuracies to scientific impossibilities. The problem was the more I looked, the more issues I found. Many things I just could no longer reconcile or simply ignore because of “faith.”
After several years of investigation, self-examination, and unanswerable questions I became an Atheist. That last sentence is to date the toughest thing I’ve ever written because this is indeed the first time I have admitted that to anyone besides close friends. My family, my former colleagues, and the majority of the people who know me are unaware of this fact. To be honest, to the circles I ran in and the people who I associated myself with, atheism is one of the last major taboos. It’s almost an unforgivable position to take, and I know that this admission will cost me many of those relationships with friends, and most likely family as well.
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The last few years of my life have been spent relearning who I am and what I understand to be right and wrong. So many of my previous opinions were based on my faith and what I had been taught was acceptable simply based on scripture. How I treated people, what causes I fought for and those I fought against were solely dependent on the Bible, and more importantly, how my position on them would be viewed by those around me. I was, in fact, the hardcore, right-wing, bible-thumping, conservative you’ve heard about. I can’t be that anymore, not in good conscience. I certainly can’t raise my sons to be that way, not if I want this world to get any better.
Everything I previously thought made me a man was now gone. What would it say about my character? How would people judge me? Those are a couple of the questions that bounced around in my head. I had built a reputation and my personal platform on the ideas I now not only don’t agree with but also in many ways find reprehensible. It has affected every aspect of my life from how I deal with my wife and kids, to how I view social issues, politics, and my fellow man. I have had to reevaluate every last corner of my life.
What I have discovered in this journey is that I am not alone. There are countless thousands who are struggling currently or who have already been through this conversion. They all tell pretty similar stories things that led them to change their stance and things that made them stay quiet about it. What many will tell you and what I believe now myself, is that I am a far better man today than I ever was.
Most will find that hard to comprehend or understand but it is the truth. When you begin to see life for what it is; valuable, short and exciting you appreciate everything that much more. The small things no longer bother me as they once did, the big things don’t seem so insurmountable anymore. Chasing dreams and living life move to the forefront of your world instead of the unrewarding process of just trying to get through every day.
I still have respect for many of the people I always have, my atheism itself doesn’t change that. This isn’t an attack on people of faith and I’m not looking to justify my actions. This is about being able to grow and evolve. Being a kind decent human being shouldn’t be conditional on your religion or your fear of a god. It should be based on the fact that we are all in this together, and being good to one another is the only way we will survive. Our simplest actions good or bad can have a long-term impact on the entire world. Most people of faith are good, honest, well-intentioned people, what many don’t want to believe though is so are most Atheist.
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I’m happier than I have ever been, I know the things that make me who I am are not wrong or sinful.
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As this journey progresses for me, I know there will be doubt at times and I know there will be obstacles to happiness. That is no different then when I was a Christian. What I understand today is that the power to overcome those obstacles and doubt lies within me. I am the captain of my ship and what happens next is unwritten. Shedding the fear has been the most freeing portion of this experience. I’m happier than I have ever been, I know the things that make me who I am are not wrong or sinful and that society’s judgment of my decisions no longer matters as much if at all.
Nothing about this has been easy, it’s been uncomfortable and at times I have wondered if it was worth it. I know this will bring disappointment and some sorrow to those who know me, for that I really am sorry. However we all have to live our lives the way we see fit, if we bondage ourselves to something unhealthy because of society, then we are doing a disservice to the world. Health, happiness, and love of ourselves and our family units must always come before anyone or anything else. For my family and me, those things finally are.
Changing who you are isn’t always necessary, but self-examination and growth are. I know that I am an evolving part of an evolutionary species, and I never want to stop growing.
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Photo: Flickr/ keeva999
I grew up in a Jehovah’s Witness house, I learned early that religion is just a lie they pander to and use to move you across the stage as a marionette on a set of strings. Either man has free will and are a horde of murdering lying filandering criminals on their own, and the world is shit in God’s absence or it is SHIT because God ordained and condones it. Meh.
It takes faith NOT to believe as well, because you’re taking a chance that there is no heaven or hell when you die, so it’s impossible for anybody to be faithless.
Also you were just doing what the majority of people who call themselves Christians do, confuse religion with Christianity.
You were RELIGIOUS for 35yrs, not a Christian.
You know how much faith it takes you not to believe in Odin. You know how you stay up nights wrestling with your faith? “No Odin, I can’t believe in you. I just can’t Odin, please please. Oh this takes so much faith not to believe, I don’t know if I have the faith to resist but oh I must.”
That is about how much faith I need not to believe in your god, the Easter Bunny and elves.
I’ve heard it put like this: atheism is a belief in the same way that not collecting stamps is a hobby.