Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. —Helen Keller
The United States today is not a society that is supportive of parents or family life. Although politicians and television commercials would like us to believe otherwise, social connectedness, childcare support and sharing parental information are often very difficult for anyone who has children. The problem is compounded by our jobs, which ask us to compartmentalize our lives so we are parents at home and employees at work—as if one is not influenced by the other. Mix all the ingredients together and in the best of all circumstances, one must still continually seek creative alternatives to meet the challenges of parenting.
These challenges are increased exponentially for parents of special-needs children. Due to accidents or genetic or birth problems, these children develop and grow at a different pace than what is rather arbitrarily considered normal.
There are many challenges that greet the parents of special-needs kids. Our society emphasis on competition is normally manifested in our desire to have our children meet our needs for success. Parents of special-needs children, however, have the opportunity to free themselves of pre- conceptions and expectations and to learn what their children have to offer in their unique ways. Though the process may be painful and difficult, the evolution of this unconditional love is as great a gift to both child and parent.
At a conference I attended many years ago, a woman shared a story about how much she and her husband had wanted a child. Since they had medical problems that did not permit conception, they decided to adopt. They were both successful in their careers and had set up their lives to indulge themselves with their child. The woman spoke of what they had planned—the traveling, the classes in art and music, and the books they would share with their child.
But soon they noticed that he appeared to be developing more slowly than their friends’ children, and it was discovered that he had Downs Syndrome. Tears came to the woman’s eyes as she spoke. She said her son is now 30 years old and a wonderful, loving person. and a terrific gardener who lives independently in a shared home with other adults with disabilities. She talked about how difficult it was for her and her husband to give up their hopes for what might have been and to discover the very different and special child who had come into their life for them to love. Loving someone as for who they are and not who we want or expect them to be, may be life’s most difficult task.
Special-needs children teach us all that loving is not about who we want them to be, but about who they are. Can we allow our hearts to be open to be so open?
For further self-reflection and discussion:
1.) How is your child different from how you hoped he/she might be?
2.) What do you love most about your child?
3.) How are you different from what your parents had hoped for in you and your life?
This blog post will appear in Bruce’s upcoming book “Fatherhood: from Man to Dad” to be published in April 2017. For more information about his work with dads visit The Fathers’ Forum.
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Photo: Getty Images