This article is going to pick up where this article ends:
Stop Asking the Narcissist’s Victims These Questions
“Why are you letting a man strangle/abuse you?” — an actual comment on Medium
medium.com
I‘ve discussed the dangerous consequences of trying to leave a malignant narcissist but at the end of that article, I mentioned that I eventually did get away from Dwayne. Now it’s time to tell you how,
Because it’s important.
This strategy was not only accidental, but it would be precisely how I would have to leave the only other malignant narcissist I dated, Jamel,
Who I mention in this story:
This Is What the Devaluation Process Looks Like
Here are four things the narcissist did to sabotage my appearance
medium.com
In both of these cases, my exit from the relationship relied solely on reverse psychology — and doing exactly what I was told.
Let me explain.
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May 2015
I was back at home with my mom still healing from the last beating
The one I detailed in the article linked in my intro.
Dwayne had beaten me so badly that a nail had stuck into my cheek and started spreading infection across the entire left side of my face.
I vented about what I had been going through to a classmate of mine and as we were on the phone she took it upon herself to do some online digging.
On Instagram, saw where he was once again on his ex-girlfriend’s Instagram leaving comments and liking pictures. But it was when he left these comments that brought me to my last straw,
December 24th.
I mention in this article:
I Broke No Contact With the Malignant Narcissist
**Warning: This is a cautionary tale**
medium.com
Dwayne spent Christmas eve of 2014 with me.
Meaning, Dwayne did this at my house, while in bed with me. I either called him or texted him to bring this to his attention, and we fought.
I don’t remember how it played out but I do remember him doing the one thing the only other malignant narcissist I ever dated went on to do at the conclusion of our relationship,
He issued me an ultimatum.
…
The Malignant Narcissist Allowed Me to Leave Him
Actually, he told me to
As I discussed in this story:
This Is the Malignant Narcissist’s Discard Process
Not only do they plan their exit strategies — they usually do a test run first
medium.com
My ex, Jamel, actually told me to —
Lose my contact number. act as if he was dead to me (which I did).
Once I unmasked him for cheating on me, after he put a used condom in my bed. Well, once I exposed Dwayne, by revealing his Instagram activities,
He actually told me —
Change your number.
(He actually told me to get out of his life afterward, as well.)
When it gets to this point, the malignant narcissist has no respect for you. They are purely sadistic so when they challenge you they are already betting you won’t do whatever it is they’re daring you to do.
These are narcissistic archetypes most likely to tell you to your face that “you‘re not going anywhere”, arrogantly because they’re sure that you’ll never leave them… because they believe you are too weak to leave them.
Unfortunately, most victims of narcissistic abuse fail to realize at this moment that —
THIS. IS. YOUR. WAY. OUT.
For one very significant reason,
You are being given your abuser’s permission… to leave them.
…
I Exactly Did as I Was Told
In doing this, I found a safer method of discarding a narcissist
I fell asleep before I could do as I was told, right away. But at 9:30 I was woken up by my phone ringing and saw a number I didn’t recognize — but I knew, for a fact, the number belonged to a friend of Dwayne’s.
A female friend.
So I got up and sent one last text thanking him for having his friend call me on his behalf (like a coward) to see if I changed my number because now I can get it done. And with that, I changed my number.
It was safe to leave Dwayne because of the circumstances.
I was in the safety of my home, separated by an entire borough (I was in Queens and he was in Brooklyn).
He couldn’t get to me and he couldn’t actually do anything to prevent me from leaving him.
Whenever I was leaving Dwayne, on my own accord, he beat the shit out of me. He would beat me only when I was leaving. In fact, he would attack me as I was physically walking to the front door.
He would beat me so badly I couldn’t leave if I wanted to because I could hardly walk. Or I’d be so beaten up I’d be ashamed to be seen in public.
On another occasion, he packed my clothes to kick me out but “changed his mind” before I could leave.
I had to stay.
And although my last beating took place a couple of days after New Year’s of 2015, I wouldn’t be able to leave him until May 2015, because it had to be done on his terms. Technically, I had to leave him with his permission.
He was just shocked that I actually did.
But there’s a very specific reason for his shock.
…
The Clever Art of Reverse Psychology
And the significant role it plays in how you discard the narcissist
One thing both of these narcissists told me, at some point in the relationship, was that I don’t listen.
Specifically, to what they say.
This wasn’t true and was usually a form of how they gaslit me but little did I know that their saying this to me would become the single most important critique they’d ever give me,
Because it would play the biggest role in my leaving both of them, simply because they told me to. And like the good listener, I am,
I was just doing what I was told to do.
When I was told to —
- change my number, by Dwayne
and to
- never contact Jamel again
It came as a total shock when I did exactly that and never looked back because now they had to eat those words. Now they had to deal with getting exactly what they wanted.
When you leave a malignant narcissist on these terms it’s one of the biggest blows to their ego for the simple fact that it is undeniably their fault, based on one technicality,
You were doing what they told you to do.
It’s a jab at the narcissist because it will feel like you’ve gaslit them since you’ve finally decided to listen to them… once it involved abandoning them,
Because they told you to.
(Don’t be surprised if they twist it around as you “waiting for the opportunity” to leave them. Be even less surprised if they claim you were waiting for that opportunity because you were cheating.)
You have to understand that they have to save face because they never actually thought you would leave.
That’s what makes this method as powerful as it really is, it’s the perfect application of reverse psychology.
Remember —
The trick with a malignant narcissist is to allow the breakup to be their idea.
Will they hoover, at some point? Of course, they will, they’re narcissists.
But the point is this type of narcissist needs to call the shots so as soon as they give you an out, take it.
Do not wait. Do not hesitate. Do not stay.
Get. The. Fuck. Out.
Let the responsibility be on them.
© Linda Sharp 2023. All Rights Reserved.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: M. on Unsplash