Lessons From a Day in the Life of a Codependent Spouse in Love With a Narcissist

A Story about a Man

A man went on a 3-day business trip to the east coast that was set to end on that Friday. However, having family members out east who he rarely saw, he decided to extend his trip one more day to catch up and spend some time with them. Having had these plans set with his wife’s blessing for some time, he boarded his plane with hugs and kisses. On the first two days, he called to check in, sharing good wishes and smiles with his children and wife. On that third day of the trip, he made an afternoon call to his wife, but something had changed. Upon exchanging greetings, he noticed a sullen, depressed tone in his wife’s voice. Despite the stress he was feeling due to the exhaustive business meetings he had endured, he attempted to sound enthusiastic. After accepting that she was not in a good place, he caringly questioned what was wrong and inquired as to the circumstances that triggered this mood. She replied that the children had been fighting all day and broke a vase in the living room after being told to stop roughhousing in that area. He expressed empathy, but inside he was feeling a twinge of anxiety.

The Deja Vue of Our Internal Reactions

He had felt this happen before; an eruption of overwhelming emotion stirs under the surface, in response to his wife’s mood swing, which, by the way, he has nothing to do with and is an innocent bystander. Inside, he knew he was calling to check in for his security, to see what the mood was like in the home and to see that the kids were in good spirits. He has already turned off his own stress, forgotten all about it.

The only correct response is to listen and process through those feelings she is having. He knows this. They learned this in therapy. There is no “normal” fluctuation in her voice, only a sullen depressed tone. He thought his true intentions were hidden well enough when he expressed his love and noted that he has been missing his family. Then came the question…

She asked in an accusatory tone, “Why are you staying an extra day again? You never see these people anyway? Why does it matter now? You’re spending extra money for a hotel?”

She hangs up.

Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don’t

He, the codependent type, is a master of walking on eggshells. Most efficient at avoiding the emotional bombs that are set to go off in each moment. However efficient, he is never perfect, but after all, who is? His sense of responsibility is an overwhelming drive that causes him to look for solutions to other’s problems. Other’s problems become his own, and the weight of this burden causes his sickness. He has lost touch with himself. Who is he when almost anyone can overtake his feelings at any time? Does he even have his own identity?

Even when he has something to focus on, he can’t, for he is a type of codependent. He finds himself in that state once again, swept out to the sea of another’s inability to deal with their own emotions. He sadly takes them upon himself. How in the world did his plans to visit family become the cause of her frustration? Should he call back? Should he just go home? What is the right response? He has not yet found one that brings the immediate resolution he seeks.

The anxiety overwhelms him. Here he is trying to have a good time on the brink of seeing his family, and he cannot even focus on what he is doing. He thinks quickly. The urge to call her back is strong. He cannot believe what has just happened. A narcissistic type has overtaken his entirely peaceful and cordial moment. He has been sucked in, triggered by this person whose mood always seems to dictate his ability to enjoy life, to live in peace. This person who acts as the emotional thermostat of his household has once again managed to take her feelings and throw them in his lap.

Narcissist, is becoming a lousy word, over used by some hurt people in order to cast responsibilty for their experience in a toxic relationship on the person who hurt them. It helps them explain sense of victimhood, but to experience it in the true sense is something out of a different world. The word brings up thoughts of vain love for oneself. However, what it really is, is a form of extreme self-protection, which is a stance that many adult survivors of childhood trauma maintain. From this position, they appear to dominate the environment with their emotional overreactions, which they have learned to use to dictate other’s responses to them, usually to keep others at bay for psychological self-protective purposes. As nature would have it, they tend to attract codependent types who work head over heal to “make” them feel better.

Understanding

The adult who grew up experiencing childhood trauma can find themselves stuck in a defensive state. Marred by fight or flight, they experience everyday stress as significant catastrophic events. Logically they understand it is not life or death, but the physiological experience is overwhelming. Their procedural (body), and emotional memory systems do work well with their logical systems. A hairpin explosive trigger protects their subconscious. They scan their environment, trying to rationalize and contain emotions. They find the kids, the spouse, the employer, anything they can find to place the responsibility on in order to cope. Owning the feelings might mean they will lose control and go crazy? Even though they are not crazy, the risk of taking responsibility requires vulnerability, and that is not safe. That idea brings floods of emotions reminiscent of the toxic stress of childhood. However, as it relates to our story, she is not making a rational connection to the meaning of her internal response.

Focusing on Fixing Ourselves

He holds his phone in his hand, aching to call her and “fix” the situation. He knows he can’t do this. To make the call would mean risking rejection himself. His offer to provide sound logic and empathy to her will receive another hang up. He could find a reason to apologize; he’s made those up time and time again, but he has already learned from experience that that is a trap. He thinks for a moment longer. His only option is not to call her back, but that means waiting in terrible anxiety with a high jacked mind. He concludes, “ I have done nothing wrong. I left the house on good terms and nothing between then and now has changed on my part.” He holds on to the fleeting belief that this is not his fault and refuses to take responsibility. He waits. In the waiting, he follows his recently learned coping practice and prays the serenity prayer. He breathes deeply. He uses his executive functioning to override his emotional response. It’s not his problem to solve. He lets go. He forces himself to follow through with meeting his family.

The Waiting

In that moment of waiting, the codependent type suffers greatly. They suffer at the hands of their belief system wired to take responsibility. Responsibility for others, they have learned, is the avenue to peace. They know that road well and drive it daily. Yet daily, they are frustrated as that sense of responsibility is not shared with their spouse. Somehow they play the role of guilty party for everything that happens in their relationship. When they try to play another role, they face their fear of rejection. The familiar role leads to resentment, while the latter part is overwhelming. However, it is the only role that leads to growth. It would be easy to blame the narcissistic type for how they feel, but digging into thier own need to set boundaries is essential to thier growth and the potential growth of the relationship.

Confronting His Childhood

The most important part of this scenario is that he waited. At that moment, he leaned into his discomfort. He felt the anguish of his childhood, where he learned to walk on eggshells. He learned to use words to make others feel better and to act in a certain way that would gain acceptance and not upset his caregivers. If they were upset, he learned, it was because of something he did. When they felt better, so did he. That link was established long before this marital moment. In that moment of waiting, in not trying to solve someone else’s problem as an antidote to his anxiety, he became stronger. He exercised a weakness in himself that he had learned to avoid. He allowed his spouse to keep her own frustration and deal with it. He refused to give her a place to dump. Will she come around? Maybe. Does it matter? Only because he loves her, but not as it relates to his wellbeing. If she wants support in dealing with her feelings of being overwhelmed, he will be there. If taking the blame is all she will accept from him, then he will refuse.

Taking the blame in order to support an irrational person’s beliefs is a quick way to lose your mind. The codependent type spouse does this with ease finding themselves only believing and feeling what they are allowed to think. This is not healthy, and this can not continue. All he can do is work on his issues, but first, he must identify them. A victim, he will not be. In those moments triggered by the traumatized narcissistic type, he must fight the urge to do what she does, which is to blame. He must fight his codependent nature and sit still and gain his identity. His sense of emotional wellbeing, sufficiently differentiated from others. That is the growth he needs.

If you have read this far, thank you! I would love to hear your feedback, have a discussion, or debate these concepts. Let’s connect on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter or shoot me an email at [email protected].