Shawn Doyle doesn’t want you to have to experience the death of a loved one to learn some of the most important lessons about living.
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May 4 2012, my wife died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. One minute she was there and the next she was gone. We had been married for 32 years and overnight I went from being a married man to being a fifty four year old widower. I always thought of a widower as the old man in frumpy sweater wobbling along with a cane. Now I was member of club I didn’t want to belong to. That began “part two” of my life.
I always thought of a widower as the old man in frumpy sweater wobbling along with a cane. Now I was member of club I didn’t want to belong to.
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I have given great thought to what I have learned the last couple of years as I have gone through my grief journey. Sometimes guys don’t think as much as they just do, myself included. But this one is one I gave a lot of thought to, and I think I have it just about figured out. Here are some lessons I think are important and can help you live a better life.
Lesson #1 – Appreciate what you have.
It is a cliché but I think we take far too much for granted. I went for a walk yesterday at the park and just took in the brisk cool fall air and the impressionist colors on the trees. I just appreciated being alive and knowing that every minute was a precious drop of joy. Appreciate your health while you have it. Appreciate the world around you it can be a beautiful place. Appreciate every small thing you have.
Lesson #2- There are no rules.
I was told by some people or it was implied by others that there was certain rules I had to follow as a griever. I couldn’t do this or do that. I couldn’t be happy and grieve at the same time. I couldn’t enjoy myself too soon or it wouldn’t “look right”. I had to wait a certain amount of time to start dating. Well there are no rules. You are the architect of your own life. I chose to date about five months after my wife died and after few months of dating met an amazing woman who I married. I am so happy I didn’t listen to the rule makers. That was my choice and you can make your own choices. So ignore people who try to place their rules on your life. The rule makers don’t own your life you do. Life is too short and you don’t have time for that. Just be you.
Lesson #3- Love now.
I was told by some people or it was implied by others that there was certain rules I had to follow as a griever. I couldn’t do this or do that. I couldn’t be happy and grieve at the same time.
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I want you to just love without hesitation or reservation. I love my wife and love being in love with her, I love my stupid cats, my Cape Cod style home and my work as a motivational speaker and book author. I love my family and my friends and just can feel their love. I love life. I give and receive love in abundance. There is always an abundance of love and plenty to go around but people want to get stingy with it. There is enough love that we could light up the world if we all were just loved. So seek find and give love. Spend as much time as possible being with and loving the people who love you. Write your wife a love note and put it under her pillow. Hug your Mom. Pat your dog. Call your grandpa. I know you don’t want to think about it but they (and you) won’t be around forever. Love them now.
Lesson #4- Tell people the truth.
If you don’t like something say so in a nice way. If you don’t want to do something just say no. If someone is wearing something nice tell them they look great. If you love someone tell them and tell them often. If someone wants you to be something you can’t be tell them you can’t and why. Lack of honesty doesn’t serve anyone, don’t mislead people and give them the wrong idea. Tell the truth and live what is true for you. If you believe in something say it and own it.
Lesson #5- Decide to avoid negativity and drama.
Based on my life experience I have very little time for negative people and drama. If life can be hard why do we want to make it harder? I have decided I am only going to be with positive people, read positive things and watch positive TV. Avoid negative energy sucking vampire people and choose to only be with people who are positive and nice and will treat you well.
Lesson #6- Don’t waste your potential.
Maybe my wife’s legacy can be that one person reads this and decides to live a life filled with joy and love and fulfillment and appreciates every moment on earth.
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To me the saddest story when some dies is when they didn’t live up to their potential and didn’t use their gifts. I have known people who, because of childhood issues, or drug or alcohol, died and did not really do much with their lives. It is such a waste of humanity when that happens, and those gifts are gone and lost to the world that could have shared in them. Don’t so ungrateful that you get given a gift and squander it. Don’t die being a “she should’ve” or “he could’ve” kind of person. That would be such a shame.
Maybe my wife’s legacy can be that one person reads this and decides to live a life filled with joy and love and fulfillment and appreciates every moment on earth. Maybe many people will read this and just do one little thing differently today. Maybe tonight they will tell their wife that they love her like they really mean it, with all their heart, and she will love him even more for saying it.
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Photo: Flickr/Seth Anderson
Having lost my wife to a rare liver disease, I totally agree with what you write, Shawn, especially #6…Don’t Waste Your Potential. It is why I was inspired to turn what I learned from my wife’s passing into a book, Learning to Laugh When You Feel Like Crying: Embracing Life After Loss.
Great perspective Shawn. Sorry to hear of your loss, but happy to hear love found you again so quickly. That is no easy task with a frumpy sweater and cane! lol
You’re a brilliant speaker, author and writer. Continued success and love.
Love doesn’t come once in life! It comes continuously! Those who know that, know happiness.
Bruce
Bill
Thanks your feedback and comments. I agree with adding forgiveness. Great point- best of luck to you.
Shawn Doyle
I am also a widower who lost my wife after a decade long battle with breast cancer. I have written a novel (which I hope to publish soon) about my odyssey which debunks many of the myths of masculinity, shares the caregiving lessons that I learned and provides a profound message of love and hope. I agree entirely with the excellent points you made but have one more to add – FORGIVE. Forgive ourselves, forgive others. Don’t hold on to hurt because nobody is ever served by this. Forgiveness frees us to fully appreciate life and experience love on an… Read more »
You just gave widows, & widowers excellent advice. I am a widow of six years. It is important to be grateful to God & thankful for everything we have in our life today. Just keep giving out love & it is returned to you. I try to enjoy myself every day because as my father always said, ‘”life is beautiful”. I have a wonderful family & many great friends, so I feel very blessed.
Sylvia
Thanks for your great feedback.I love your perspective.
Shawn Doyle