The concept that feelings are neither right nor wrong is not new. It appears frequently in counseling and therapy resources. Yet in the volunteer work that my wife and I do with couples, it seems that this concept is either unrecognized or consistently ignored, particularly in relationships that are in crisis.
There’s no sole thing that leads to the breakdown of a relationship, but it was certainly the case for my wife and me that we spent twenty-five years trying to explain to each other why what the other was feeling was wrong. Often these weren’t intense arguments. We would calmly and rationally (at least at the start of the conversation) explain to each other why it just didn’t make sense to be angry or upset over actions that either were in the distant past or were not intended to evoke a negative response. And before you make any sexist assumptions, I am the one who has trouble letting go of the past.
Last weekend we did a Zoom workshop with couples working on rebuilding their fractured relationships. After a full day online, we spent an extra hour with one couple who just couldn’t get their heads around this idea. I think the point of confusion for many is that a feeling is a genuine reaction to something recent or to a trigger from something in the past. How we respond to that feeling is where the concepts of right and wrong, reasonable and unreasonable, appropriate and inappropriate, kick in.
For the longest time I was an unsufferable pain in the arse and I’m amazed my wife put up with me. I relived anger and hurt and lashed out as if the cause were something that happened yesterday and not twenty years ago. My wife would calmly explain to me why it didn’t make sense to be angry over something long over that neither of us could change now, and that only pissed me off more. She would be frustrated that I couldn’t see why my feeling was wrong and then of course she would get angry at me. Conflict from the past would become conflict in the present.
Thank God other couples explained to us that being honest with each other about what we are feeling can be a means to reconnect instead of a reason to fight. At first that seemed like woo-woo bullshit to me. Then I realized just how damn hard it is to do and I didn’t want to do it. The idea of being vulnerable and expecting that your partner will accept how you feel and not judge you for it is fucking terrifying. But if you can get to that point; it makes a hell of a positive difference in your relationship.
I don’t know if the couple from last weekend will get the concept that feelings are neither right nor wrong. I hope they do, but being a Retrouvaille presenter involves a lot of leading the horses to water, showing them how to drink and showing them a couple who drank from the same trough and are still together. It took me a year to not just understand the concept but to start living it. My wife got there sooner and I’m incredibly lucky she waited for me to catch up.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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