Why do we still have a taboo regarding May-December Relationships? Nikki Thomas gives us an honest and loving insight into what makes it work.
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When you see a younger woman with an older man, do you have stereotypical thoughts running through your head? Maybe you think he has a fat wallet and is providing for her because she couldn’t do it for herself, or maybe you think she has daddy issues and needs someone to fill that void. Maybe that’s what you think when you see me and my husband walking together, holding hands, and at school events.
My husband is 14 years older than me. Being married to someone that’s a decade plus older subjects me to a lot of these stereotypical judgments and assumptions. Marriages with large age gaps are associated with gloomy statistics that almost guarantee you’ll end up in divorce. It’s just like other judgmental stares and opinions people form when they see couples together from different religions, races, and socioeconomic backgrounds.
I met my husband right before my 22nd birthday.
At first, his friends and coworkers would make comments like you “cradle snatcher” or “you’re really robbing the cradle with this one.” People say these things as innocent jokes, but they certainly aren’t complimentary terms.
But then things got serious between us quickly. We decided we wanted to get married just a couple of months after dating, and we weren’t going to have some long drawn out engagement either.
Not a shotgun wedding
Now our May-December romance turned into what everyone thought was a shotgun wedding, and then we got some serious questions, slanted looks, and not so friendly responses. At this point, his family and close friends were starting to get concerned, and, of course, thought I was pregnant. Others thought he was just rebounding from his previous relationship that lasted eight years but never ended in marriage.
Then came my family. My mother was concerned and wanted to know why I “had” to get married so quickly. She liked him but didn’t see any reason to get married, at least not that soon. Well I didn’t have a reason, except for the fact that I wanted to. Isn’t that a reason?
At that time in my life, marriage, kids, and some white picket fence in the suburbs weren’t on my radar. I’d recently been promoted, was working my way through college, and had just bought my first house. I was finally on my own and living with a brand new roommate.
But then I fell in love.
That changed everything for me.
I continued to get more push back from my coworkers, mainly the ones that were older than me and had been divorced before, some more than once.
But none of it stopped us. We got married four months after we had our first date. In the end, right before we left to get married, my co-workers gave me a party, my parents flew out to see us get married, and his family welcomed us home with a wedding cake and decorations.
I think the main reason age didn’t bother either of us is because even though we were in different decades, we weren’t in various stages of life. We both had good careers, both of us had just purchased a house, neither of us had ever been married or had any children, and we were just enjoying this part of our lives, and now we wanted to enjoy it together.
When the age difference does matter
But, the different decade part does become evident at times. Like when he listens to music that I’ve never heard of before or when he talks about TV shows and old commercials or even slang sayings that use to be popular. He and my mom have fun with this all the time. They’re closer in age than my husband and me, and they have a lot of that kind of stuff in common.
We also have lots of fun when we think about how I was in preschool the same year he was graduating high school. I’m sure my husband never thought that his future wife was being potty trained when he was learning how to drive. Then there are those fleeting moments where I’m concerned that I’ll spend one or even two decades of my life alone. But I realize how lucky I am to have found a partner to walk through life with.
Today, we’ve been married for 14 years and have two children ages 11 and 8.
So the judgments, jokes, and predictions about how long our marriage would last, and reasons we got married were nothing compared to the challenges we’ve faced raising a family. We’ve certainly experienced the full spectrum of the marriage vowels.
The “in health and sickness” part came in waves. First it was our son who couldn’t breathe on his own when he was born. We can’t believe he’s the tallest kid in his class now and couldn’t be more grateful. Then it was my turn. Shortly after I had our second child, I got sick for 18 months. It took the doctors 12 months to figure out what was wrong and then another six months and three surgeries to fix it. That drained us emotionally, physically, and financially.
Life doesn’t stand still when you’re sick and bills just keep accumulating. Financial issues certainly do add insult to injury when you’re already down for the count.
Then we endured two suicides, one on each side of the family, arguments with in-laws, and major business blunders.
We fought, cried, and talked a lot. Sometimes not so gracefully. But, we’re still in love and still learning from each other.
When one of us is feeling down or doubtful the other one seems to be feeling motivated and upbeat. Or if one of us is running out of patience with the kids the other one seems to have more. I love how we act as each other’s life vests in those moments.
I don’t think a 14 year age difference is a big deal at all. My parents are 12 years apart, and my father-in-law and his wife are 24 years apart.
So next time you see a couple that has a big age difference it doesn’t mean she’s a cougar or he’s a sugar daddy. The bigger deal is your negative comments that create insecurities, which then lead to vulnerabilities that put unnecessary strain on a marriage. Marriages are strained enough. So I encourage you to be mindful of your words and leave the judgments to God. Also, don’t let a decade and statistics stop you from allowing yourself to fall in love with someone. Neither of those things will determine your inevitable future together, and you’ll find them to be minuscule in the things that are truly significant.
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—Photo: Patrick Emerson/Flickr
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People have a lot of preconceived notions about what makes relationships work or not. With divorce rates what they (even though I understand they are starting to fall now), all of the preconceived notions, taboo or not don’t work. I have been in relationships with women who were significantly younger and significantly older and when each of them ended, age was not a factor. I should also mention that I was married to my 2nd wife for 26 years, she was only 4 years younger, so being close to the same age gives no assurances of anything. If you can… Read more »
The truth is younger men are the same as older men. They are just as much of a ‘perv’ and often those same younger men abuse, neglect, cheat on, or don’t live up their potential and that is why when you go to dating sites so many older men came from those ‘younger man’ relationships and are now single. So the whole idea of older men and younger women as a taboo and the predetermined answer you get from articles like this are really not trying to get you to think for yourself but rather trying to control what you… Read more »
Younger women who date older men are assumed to be either unstable harridans with unresolved “daddy issues,” or gold-diggers hoping to barter their youth and beauty for some fast cash. Meanwhile, older men are assumed to be lecherous old perverts taking advantage of barely legal naïfs. While these sorts of predatory, unbalanced relationships certainly exist; it’s silly to assume that such unhealthy extremes characterize all—or even most—age gap relationships. Strip away the offensive stereotypes, and you’ll find that age gap relationships are inherently no more exploitative than any other kind of relationship.
Exactly the point I was trying to make. I’m with you. It makes me truly sad society and most liberal and conservative people feel this way. Being in such a relationship is truly liberating and deeply fulfilling. Unlike a younger man I cannot stress how aware I am of how precious the time we spend together is. She is younger (and of course legal) and I realize how utterly special and amazing she is. I have met no shortage of woman who dated and/or married some young guy and how hurt, damaged, or regretful they ending up now older and… Read more »
Thank you. Fits in my present dilemma.
Interesting article, Nikki. Thanks for sharing as it is not only your story that will help us to wade through to better understanding, but the side-bars that often arise. Often difficult, painful to hear, but like your story, what we need to hear so that we all move ahead and cease trying to mold everyone onto our specific set of ideals, but accept variation in all things.
No animals were harmed in the making of this marriage, so….It’s ‘none ya’ business.
In the last few months, I’ve entered into this May-December relationship sphere after being widowed for almost seven years. The man I am dating is neither a wallet, nor a hunk, and being retired, no six figures either – he’s simply a wonderfully kind, empathetic, gracious man with a great sense of humor, an interesting life history, some shared common interests, oh, and he treats me as a woman of value. He stands up when a woman approaches our table, he holds doors open, he’s kind to invalids and helps others. I found these traits lacking in men of my… Read more »
I dated some older men when I was in my 20’s-30’s but I’m glad I eventually settled down with a man my own age. I am 49 and I still have a lot of energy and good health. I would not want to be with a husband now in his 60’s who wants to hang out at the Senior Center and take naps like my dad. To be honest my 49-y/o husband is slowing down more than I like. Men will always prefer younger women. it’s biology. Youth is more beautiful. If my current relationship ever ends I doubt I… Read more »
I thought it was a well written artilcle.
It goes to show you that love can work despite age differences.
Angelguy
My experience with an older man: he was very controlling, possessive, and overbearing….I was suffocating, but felt too guilty to end it….it dragged on— it got to the point where I could barely even speak in his presence without him getting miffed at me….I knew it had to end when I tried everything to mollify him, but he was always so angry and embittered….what torture it was….!
Leia,
Do you think that man would have been any less controlling, possessive, and overbearing if he had been with a woman his own age?
So glad I read this! I’ve just started dating a man who’s 15 years older than me. Mixed responses from the friends who’ve said it’s no-one’s business and how suited we are to the ones warning me that I’ll be his carer and that it’s too big a gap. He’s only 6 years younger than my mother so a few raised eyebrows. However, I’m 35 years old and have a trail of failed relationships with men the same age as me so I’m not going to let this one go without giving it a whirl. Thank you for writing this.
Hi Dewey,
All the best with your relationship!
“I don’t think a 14 year age difference is a big deal at all. My parents are 12 years apart, and my father-in-law and his wife are 24 years apart.” Nikiki – who is the older person in both your parents and your father-in-law’s relationships? My own parents had a large age gap relationship. There were certainly unique trials that went beyond listening to different kinds of music or movies and TV in their relationship because of their ages. My Mom has always been honest with me about those trials. Also, the younger person should understand that if they are… Read more »
Hi Erin,
In both cases the husband is older. Both couples have been married for over 30 years.
You just never know who is going to get sick and when, but it’s definitely possible that if you’re the younger partner you could become a caretaker a lot sooner.
I agree that I wouldn’t want someone to be with me just because I’m younger.
Nikki
Thanks for the response to my question Nikki. There is probably a reason that the age gap relationships you know of are all older men/younger women, Nikki. I am not implying that these couples don’t love each other very much. But men tend to be more open to dating younger women and more closed off to dating women even their own age, let alone older. It’s not really that much of a cultural taboo for men to be with younger women.
Erin,
You are right….
While anything is possible, I am usually very suspicious of men with much younger women. They have very little in common. As in the author’s case, what would motivate a 35 year old man to want to marry a 22 year old woman? He could easily have sought out a woman his age. But men consistently show a preference for younger (read young) women.
Good to hear from you.
I’m curious, Erin. What do you think of women who have a 6′ rule? I’ve been rejected as “too short” in the past. I am 5’9″, average height in the western world. Are these women who won’t men date under 6′ “entitled”? What about those who won’t date anything less than a six-figure salary?
Frank – I think women who have a 6′ rule or won’t date anyone who doesn’t make over six-figures to have a very shallow and immature view of men. I think they desire these traits because of their own personal insecurities. And I think they may miss out on some good men. Then again, I don’t live in a world where women only date 6′ tall men or men who only make 6 figures. The men in my own family are on the shorter side. My Dad was 5’8 and married my Mom who was 15 years younger. My brother… Read more »
Interesting, so a man with unrealistic expectations about wanting a young hottie is “entitlement” but a woman with unrealistic expectations about wanting a tall, rich hunk is simply immature?
What would it take for you (or any feminist for that matter) to decide a woman is acting entitled?
I’m not trying to start a fight here, I’m trying to understand where the boundaries are for women in deciding what is and is not female entitlement.
I think this is a big distinction Frank. When talking about women that date a specific type of guy (hunky, rich, powerful, older….) their motives are often attributed to things beyond her control. “Oh she’s young and doesn’t know any better” or “That’s because of gender roles.” or “Women were taught to look for a man to access financial security.” On the other hand when talking about men that date a specific type of woman (young, attractive, etc….) their motives are nearly always attributed to something malicious. “He has a sense of entitlement.” or “He thinks that because he is… Read more »
Oh I am very much aware of the double standard, I just want to know if the women who contribute to this site the most are aware of it too. And this is also why men seeking very young women is seen as a bad thing while women seeking very young men is seen as a good thing (as per a past article here that said men who seek very young women deserve to be shamed and women that seek very young men should be given the latitude to explore their sexuality) Perhaps if older men who chase younger women… Read more »
@ Erin
I think one of the reasons it’s usually an older man and younger woman is because the women look for financial stability. That’s the other side of the coin. He could ask her out, but she has to say yes.
Older men go for younger women because of Biology. A woman past 30 has problems giving birth to children. This is a legitimate reason for choosing if you want to have children and over 40.
Not saying this is fair. You can’t fight nature.
Angelguy