Boy, did I feel a sting when I quit my job! As the first born and the only daughter of an African mom, the expectations are high. Everyone wants you to be successful and independent.
And having a traditional job is how my mom views success. She was disappointed when I said I was walking away from my stable job to try something else.
All this stuff about working for yourself, working from home, and online work just doesn’t resonate with her.
Fortunately, I’d heard and read about people who had ditched employment and started their own gigs over the years. I’d learned that for every set path, there’s always another way.
That was the first thing I unlearned: Just because your parents show you the path to follow doesn’t mean you should. Just because they lived a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the only way.
But most importantly, they probably had the wrong information all along.
With age, you realize there’s so much you need to unlearn. So, pull your seat closer, grab your hot beverage, and let’s talk about this.
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But wait, how did we get here?
If you frequently meander in the social media scene, you’ve probably stumbled on the viral TikTok video “Adulting is a scam.”
It has resonated with so many because as we evolve into adults, we also take on many responsibilities. Throw parenting into the game, and boy, you’re walking around like a zombie, constantly worn out only to rinse and repeat the next day.
I think adulting feels like a scam because we pick up from where and what our parents, mentors, and society taught us and continue from there. And often without asking ourselves if it’s what we want or if it’s right for us.
Do you know where the biggest frustration comes from? From trying to live out the principles and standards handed down to us in a world different from the one, our mentors lived in.
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Let’s Talk About Things Women Need To Unlearn.
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Trying to mold men to become the husbands we want.
As a relationship writer, I have to start here.
Chick, if he isn’t what you want up front, you’re getting a son instead of a husband. You’ll have to teach him things his mama should have taught him. You’ll start showing him the importance of having a job, cleaning up after himself, not swearing in front of the kids, and being kind to others.
That right here is the job description of a mother, not a wife. I firmly believe marriage/ relationships should enrich your life, not chip away at it. One plus one makes two. Period.
Too many of us had better lives as singles than who we are as married women. We’ve stopped growing, taking care of ourselves, and have channeled that energy into fixing a man. Really?
We need to unlearn the truth that being in a relationship isn’t winning the lottery. Marriage isn’t for everyone. And a terrible one isn’t for anyone. We need to love ourselves more and be selfish with our emotions.
Too many women have chosen singlehood are having a ball. And their reasons are valid. Read more here:
Lending relatives money.
Before you lash at me for being stingy, let me say I’ve been burned several times, and so have my friends. My relationship with my cousin went sour because I lent her some cash and the whole paying back thing became a drawn-out affair that left us at a pickle.
Though I was taught to share, I now realize that you can save a relationship and even somebody’s life by saying NO to their request.
The truth is that very few people ever refund the cash, and many who “borrow” are essentially asking to be given for good.
Money causes rifts so big you can’t come back from them. Had I said no, I’d have saved our relationship because there would have been nothing to break.
Then you have the parents continuously give their fully grown kids cash instead of making them look for their own earnings. When you teach someone to depend on you, you’re cutting off their wings.
People get tough when things are hard. Your kid will only learn how to get up and work hard when he’s not getting handouts.
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Saying, “This is just how I am.”
No Sally. It’s not.
This isn’t who you are. It’s who you’ve chosen to be.
I don’t know where this lie came from that we can’t get better. Most people who say this are only trying to find an excuse for their evil behavior. Period. Plus, it’s laziness on their part because they don’t want to work on themselves.
Listen, very few of us are princesses with a tiara. We all have to feed ourselves. We all have to do the hard work to better ourselves and make it better for others to co-exist with us.
So drop the excuse and work on yourself. We’re all here trying to iron out our rough edges.
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Dimming down your accomplishments.
All the guys at the back swear by this trait called humility. And for what it’s worth, humility is a trait we should all be cultivating constantly. No one likes show-offs.
But, the lines get a bit blur when it comes to humility and stating our track record. We shave off our accomplishments to fit into the cramped box called humility.
Listen, there’s no honor in diminishing yourself. Nope.
No one is asking you to chant and yell your wins all over town but if the chance comes up to explain what your capable hands have achieved, Siz, give it to them. Straight and clean.
Ralph Waldo has a quote, “God will not have his work made manifest by cowards.” And bravery goes hand in hand with celebrating yourself.
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Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash
Not accepting compliments and good feedback.
Months ago, my friend Terry coordinated an event for about a hundred women. She’s fantastic at catching things before they fall and remembering little things nobody else remembers.
At the end of the event, I complimented her for pulling it off so well. Her response was, “Oh, I tried.” Wrong answer Terry.
The correct answer should have been, “Thanks, I worked hard on it, and I’m pleased it went well.”
If you are like Terry, I can see you cringe at those words from right here.
This mentality is joined at the hip with humility. So many people have a problem accepting compliments. Why? Because they don’t remind themselves of their worth often enough.
There’s nothing wrong with celebrating the feathers in your cap. You’ve earned them through hard work, so flaunt them. Oh, and while you’re at it, be unapologetic.
The next time someone tells you how great your work is, straighten your shoulders, smile, and say, “Thanks. I worked hard at it. I’m glad it turned out well.”
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Stuffing our faces when we’re stressed.
Ladies, we’re here trying to be women of class, especially in the way we navigate our relationships.
Because relationships are a bumpy ride; sometimes, we’ll feel like we’re hanging at the edge of a cliff. But emotional eating has never helped anyone; worse, it’s not classy and doesn’t look good on you.
Sure, gobbling down those Oreos might feel great at the moment, but, guaranteed, you’ll feel worse later. And the calories? Let’s not even go there.
Let’s unlearn this tactic of putting food on top of our emotions and be brave enough to allow our emotions to rise to the surface. Trust me, it never feels as bad as we think.
In fact, in some strange way, you start to feel better because now you’ve faced the monster head-on and can start looking for a solution.
I heard Joyce Meyer say something along the lines of, “What you don’t confront, you don’t overcome.”
When we avoid looking at difficult stuff, we only postpone their effect. Eventually, they come back. And they keep returning until we do something.
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Pretending we’re okay when people give us a raw deal.
This happens all the time. People say all the right things when they want to get you to do something, but when you’re hooked, they give you a raw deal.
It’s hard to say, “Hey, this isn’t what I signed up for.” But we have to unlearn the detrimental way of glossing over our feelings when something feels off.
The problem with this is that people get away with giving you a raw deal, and it becomes the norm. Before you know it, society has normalized toxicity.
I learned that you’re demeaning yourself if you say YES to something you should say NO to. We can’t have that.
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This list isn’t exhaustive. There are many more things we need to unlearn if we want to be happy and live meaningfully. But for now, if we can start here, we’ll be doing ourselves a big favor.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Isaiah McClean on Unsplash
