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Dear Mr. Tough Guy,
I am going to address you in a language that you understand.
You’re a real man, aren’t you? Surely you don’t need me to tell you what a real man wants, needs, or does; do you? If you’re a real tough guy, I am sure you already
- Get into fistfights when someone disrespects you or your boys
- Tell it like it is and let everyone know that you are the alpha male
- Try to achieve a sense of masculinity through a repressive cycle of unattainable standards of beauty, prowess, wealth and power.
Let us address each of these traits of badassery, shall we?
On fighting and toughness
You might think its cool to teach another man a lesson through fisticuffs. Hollywood, professional sports, and even viral videos have transformed the fighter into a sex symbol. But you know what’s not sexy?
- A lawsuit
- Being on the receiving end of a sucker punch
- Being charged with manslaughter or even murder
Are any of these outcomes worth whatever it is that you are fighting for? If your answer isn’t defending yourself or a loved one from certain danger, then it goes without saying that you are admitting to being in the wrong. Unless your life is in immediate danger, there is no legitimate reason to use physical force. While nobody is perfect and tempers can be lost, bar fights and violence towards your fellow man should be seen as the very last option, and never glorified. Getting into a fight over words or emotions is a threat to one’s ego, and not to one’s life.
On telling it like it is
You might just be fed up with it all. Fed up with the PC culture on college campuses and the talk of feminism, LGBTQ issues, and addressing school bullying that has saturated your Facebook feed. You’re just being honest and telling it like it is. You were teased and bullied growing up, and you turned out okay! Maybe so, but not everyone is you.
Have you ever considered the possibility that some people experience trauma differently than you? Maybe they were born in a worse environment than you. Or maybe not! Maybe you’ve “gone through some shit” too. But unlike in your situation, where words and emotions bounced off your chest in a fashion similar to bullets bouncing off of Superman, maybe some individuals had their chests pierced. If you were like Superman, then I applaud that trait. I even admire it. But if you are man enough to go through the hard times, then it’s all the more reason to be man enough to be empathetic toward your peers.
On obtaining a sense of masculinity
What does it mean to be a real man?
Truthfully, I am not writing to you to describe to you what a real man is. That’s not my job, nor is it my intention with this piece.
Instead, I am writing to you because I used to be you, and in many ways, I am still coming to terms with many things in my own personal journey.
I’m writing to you because I know you’re afraid and that you think the world is against you. Hell, I know I was terrified. I felt alone and misunderstood. And that feeling is okay. To have courage, one needs to be afraid.
What is not okay is harnessing that fear and letting it manifest into an ongoing battle of you against the world.
But what was I afraid of? For me, I was afraid of being open and vulnerable, but I’ve learned that true strength comes from vulnerability. When I was a tough guy, I had my shield on at all times because I had so much to lose and so much to hide. But if you are honest with yourself and with others than the need to hold on to that shield at all times begins to feel less necessary.
I implore you to take this piece as a heart to heart conversation. Violence and cold-heartedness are beneficial to no one, and one-upping someone through force or words is a vicious cycle that ends in a zero-sum game of defeat for all. It takes so much more strength and confidence to be your authentic self in front of those who may not accept you.
And yet, I encourage you to be open and vulnerable. Allow yourself to be enough. Take the risks involved in romance, in friendship, and family. Accept your imperfection and the imperfection of others. Give yourself permission to cry and you will be amazed by the experiences that will follow it.
Most importantly, do not resist entropy. To die means that there is a life to live. It is to be fully human.
Which is what you are, after all, a human being with all of your complexities included, sharing this experience with everyone else and their similar complexities.
Not just some tough guy.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images