I recently read an article about a gated community in California that is working through some free speech issues. Who gets to say what, when and how? Part of the impetus for their governing body’s proposals was an argument, that led to blows, between a Trump supporter and another resident who was, most definitely, not. I am also reading The Talking Revolution — How Creative Conversation Can Change the World. I want to be able to listen to and talk with anyone, but it’s hard.
It was hard to listen when my friend’s husband, a geological scientist, said that when he went to measure a glacier’s temperature in 1987, he found that it was actually cooling. Well, that wasn’t the hard part to listen to. The difficulty came when he then was able to discount all the other evidence to the contrary that the planet is definitely warming. It was hard to listen when he said that it’s not proven that global warming is caused by humans. But I did listen. I stayed quiet.
Then he listened as I explained the GTN Express protest at Amazon headquarters and how Amazon later backed off its attempt to push forward the expansion of the pipeline. I explained that it was a 60-year old pipeline and ‘expansion,’ in part, meant increasing the pressure to pump more gas through it. I explained that Amazon wants the gas to more cheaply power its data centers in Oregon.
He listened to why Stop the Money Pipeline and People Over Profit were targeting Citibank during the ‘Summer of Heat’ in New York City this summer. I described the protest and my arrest and how the frequent protests during the summer were putting consistent pressure on Citibank, the current number one funder of fossil fuel expansion. The weekly protests were organized by various groups: youth, faith leaders, folks living in ‘cancer alley’ to name a few.
I listened as he said he didn’t think Dr Mercola was a quack and that Anthony Fauci was the devil. Dr Mercola is, to quote Wikipedia, ‘an American alternative medicine proponent, osteopathic physician, and Internet business personality. He markets largely unproven dietary supplements and medical devices. On his website, Mercola and colleagues advocate unproven and pseudoscientific alternative health notions including homeopathy and opposition to vaccination.’
You should already know who Dr Fauci is.
He recounted what an environmental champion RFK has been and how he would have voted for him.
He said he admired me for sticking with my convictions.
While it was tempting to want to debate, it was clear that we had different points of view.
I have found, if I don’t want to lose friends, sometimes there isn’t much more I can do than listen to understand.
On my way home on the train from New York to Seattle, I watched a Nate Hagens YouTube Podcast where Nate was interviewing Johan Rockstrom, I thought maybe this would interest him. I sent it to my friend and her husband both. I don’t know if they watched it.
Also during my visit to New York, at a party for my mom’s birthday, I tried effortfully to listen to my mom’s neighbor (and good friend) when I asked her about a dog-tag like necklace she was wearing. It was recognizing/commemorating the Israeli hostages kidnapped by Hamas. As I went inside to get a pitcher of water, I vowed not to get into an argument when I went back outside. I had decided to say something like, “my silence doesn’t mean consent. I disagree with you on the Israel/Palestine issue but I’m keeping my opinions to myself because I don’t see how arguing will help.’
However, when I returned with the pitcher of water, my brother had already opened Pandora’s Box. The result was the friend arguing that the only solution was to eradicate Hamas. She was focused on Hamas, Hamas, Hamas and anti-semitism on campus. She stated Palestinians are happy and lucky to live in Israel, college campuses are full of outside agitators, and that her friend’s daughter, Jewish, was spit on.
She had many points that came flowing out in a torrent of words. She is distressed over the 300 or so hostages so much so as to be suffering from terrible insomnia.
I would love to ask her, if you had to kill one innocent Palestinian to get to one member of Hamas, would that be justified? 15 Palestinians for one member of Hamas? 150? Where does it end?’
But I didn’t say anything, because she is definitely beyond listening. And she is a good friend to my nonagenarian mother. They call each other at the same time each day. The walk together. They gossip about the other ‘girls’ that are still alive and thriving.
One of the parts of the Creative Conversation book I want to be more mindful of involves listening to understand. They use the acronym PIN, stating,
“PIN analysis suggests that we can listen and understand at all three levels — facts and opinions (Position); emotions and things the speaker cares about (Interests); and their underlying basic needs (Needs); ideally all three. Identifying and acknowledging emotions and needs can create a stronger connection with people than simply clarifying facts and opinions.”
I think we all need to be more actively prepared to listen on these varying levels. I infer, from what my friend’s husband shared with me, that he is deeply distrustful of the government and sources of information, but that he also has a need to maintain relationships with those he disagrees with. I think my mom’s friend has a need for drama and also a concern for the safety of fellow Jews, be they in Israel or the US.
The point of my writing today is not to give answers so much as to provide support. If you are having a hard time listening or talking, know that you are in good company and that while maintaining open communication can be maddening it’s better than not talking at all.
Andrea
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Previously Published on Medium
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