Let’s all agree that 2020 needs to burn to the ground. Burn the 2020 Almanac. Burn the 2020 Guinness Book of World Records. Burn the 2020 Sears Catalog.
The only positive I can see from 2020’s hot mess is how it put life into perspective for everyone. For a lot of us in rocky relationships, it was “put up or shut up” time.
Without a pandemic and being forced to be around my husband 24/7, I wouldn’t have had the push to finally put an end to my miserable marriage.
. . .
December 2019. I vividly remember being parked on the street outside my house in the dark. It was freezing. Well, freezing by California standards so that meant my hoodie wasn’t cutting it for warmth. I listened to Billie Eilish and bawled my eyes out. I was miserable in my marriage and had extended my Something-Has-To-Change-By-Next-Year rule from the year before.
I felt helpless and terrified to make a change. My kids need both parents (I don’t subscribe to the “kids are resilient” mindset when I’m the one causing the trauma) and I didn’t want myself or my husband to go a single day without seeing them. My husband’s temper terrified me and my anxiety paralyzed me when thinking about telling him I wanted out.
That moment of despair burned into my brain. I vowed to not feel the same way in one year. Come hell or high water, something was going to change. Either I’d fix my marriage or I’d bail out. Thinking of another year feeling this miserable was enough of a motivator. It was a defining moment in my life.
Thankfully, things have drastically changed.
. . .
Earlier this week, I drove home and didn’t want to go inside just yet. This time, it wasn’t because I was hysterically crying. I was singing at the top of my lungs with the stereo at full blast. Do I remember the song? Nope. And then it dawned on me that I followed through on my vow from one year ago this month. While I lacked integrity in my marriage in the past, I finally have integrity about being true to myself.
It’s an odd feeling, going into a new year like we’re buying a new house with so many possibilities. Feeling like 2021 will finally be a good year instead of the annual New Year’s feeling of dread. It doesn’t hurt that we’re all putting a lot of pressure on 2021 to be the hero we want and need in this effed up time.
I feel like I need to do something with this new level of optimism for the future. Like I should get a tattoo. Buy some stocks. Start my own dropshipping business on Amazon so I can have a mug that says #BossBabe. (I’d sooner punch myself in the face before ever getting such a condescending mug, like how about just #BOSS without putting gender in. Let’s stop acting like women accomplishing anything is such a rare occurrence that we need to point it out with a fucking mug with a patronizing slogan.) I even want to go out hiking and enjoy the fresh air, which is exceptionally rare for someone like me who insists Googling a sunset is an acceptable alternative to seeing the real thing.
So now I’m thinking: what can I plan for in 2021 now that I feel like my options are limitless? Why does ending a marriage seem like I’m the chick from The Descent who finally crawls her way out of the underground cave (uh, spoiler alert if you haven’t seen the 2005 horror movie)? I didn’t think that those feelings of dread and fear would ever end. I’m tapping my non-existent watch, thinking “come on, come on” wanting 2020 to be over already.
. . .
I think in the end, the best goal to accomplish for 2021 is to stay on this path of being true to myself. Undoubtedly there’s going to be a load of crappy times ahead. That’s unavoidable and I’m feeling more confident in navigating those rough waters. Old habits die hard, so it’s going to be challenging to not go down the bleak, dark path from the past.
A year ago at this time, I was lost and felt nothing but dread for the future. Next year at this time, I want to feel like despite the 2021 rollercoaster, I didn’t compromise my beliefs or become a martyr again for the sake of keeping the peace.
. . .
Disclaimer: I also want one year from now to not talk to people through Plexiglas, get a pedicure without the salon sneaking me in through the back, socialize nonstop, put my kids back in school full-time, and be able to go on dinner dates without a mask ruining my makeup. Just a few small things to make life bearable again.
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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.
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Photo credit: Unsplash
