Love Doesn’t Want You Perfect

I recently decided to be friends with someone I hoped to build a romantic relationship with, but she felt she still needed to work on herself first. When we started talking, she expressed a desire to overcome her need for validation from others, particularly men. Because of her self-awareness and commitment to personal growth, I was still interested in pursuing a relationship. However, one day she had an experience that triggered some past traumas and chose to step back from pursuing romance to focus on self-improvement while remaining friends.

I respected her decision and offered to support her on her journey. However, part of me questioned, “Why can’t she work on herself while we’re together?” This made me reflect on how, more than ever, people feel pressured to be ‘perfect’ — to have self-compassion, a stable job, and solid boundaries — all before entering a relationship.

I’m guilty of this too. For a while, I told myself I couldn’t date because I wasn’t financially stable enough. My family often reminded me that if I waited for everything to be perfect, I might end up alone. They pointed out that once I attained financial stability, I might not have the time for a relationship and would use that as an excuse.

With the rise of trauma healing/awareness and self-improvement movements, it’s understandable that people want to present their ‘finished’ selves before entering a relationship. Many believe that if we feel whole, then the relationship will last without conflicts arising from codependency, narcissism, insecurity, or other issues. However, if we wait to be ‘perfect’ before seeking a relationship then we don’t allow for the space required for love to be practised to be created.

I’m not suggesting you pursue someone while your life is in disarray, but I do think it’s important to actively work on yourself. While we feel empowered to heal in this era of motivational speakers, relationship experts, and self-help books, some healing can only happen through the connection with another person.

We often hear about our parents and grandparents marrying young and sticking together through tough times. Those stories frequently highlight how those very challenges helped their love grow. I may not know everything about love, but I understand that it can be messy; emotions can be complex, and relationships are often complicated. Yet, what is love without all that?

The media often portrays love in a sugar-coated manner, emphasizing feelings rather than actions. I believe a relationship is only as strong as its most difficult moments, which stem from our worst traits — insecurities, anxieties, feelings of inadequacy, anger, jealousy, and resentment. Practising love means acknowledging that our partner will sometimes upset us or hurt our feelings. It requires a commitment to respond with patience, understanding, and a willingness to navigate discomfort while recognizing their imperfections — just as we have our own — while growing together through life’s ups and downs.

If we expect others to meet us only when we’ve reached the top of our mountains, there will be no peak for us to conquer together.

If you’ve been postponing love because you believe you’re not yet the person you’d like to be for someone else, consider this a gentle reminder: show up half-baked because maybe the person you’ll meet is the yeast that will make your dough rise.

Love, ty.