'Love' Expires in All Relationships

That euphoric, head over heels love? Yes, it expires. It is a phase in romantic relationships that must end at some point. Sadly, some relationships do not survive its end, and likely because of the complete focus on the phase. A focus so complete that the moment the phase passes, some couples feel that is the end of the relationship.

However, some will find a more enduring stage that I consider one of “genuine love” up ahead, if they hold on just long enough to see what is behind door number two.

Fictional love stories in popular culture also place great emphasis on the euphoric phase. This emphasis promotes the idea that this phase, and this phase only, is all there is to “true love”, and it is to last for all time. This has greatly helped foster unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic, because of the transient nature of hot romance which, naturally, doesn’t stay burning hot for too long. Real-world genuine love is so much more.

True, not every relationship is destined for the next enduring phase, but typically, partners can see more clearly only after that euphoric phase expires. Only then can they clear-headed assessments of the relationship and of their potential to carry on. A combination of time and the right mix of individuals is therefore all that is need to unlock door number 2.

True, not every relationship is destined for the next enduring phase, but typically, partners can see more clearly only after that euphoric phase expires.

So, how long is the first phase?

This lasts anything from a few weeks to a few years. The precise tipping point is not firmly established. What is certain is that there is a tipping point. The timing of which has been such a subject of interest to researchers for quite a while. Heck, even Warner Brothers took gave it a go. Thus what we have are various experts/studies giving varying estimates.

Perhaps more credibly, the proverbial 7-year itch was considerably shortened by a 2007 study which found that the spark fizzles within only three years. The experts add that many factors key into this such as the basis of the relationship, unfulfilled expectations, the partners’ commitment to each other, and even the ages at which the partners begin the relationship come to bear on the length of the phase.

What’s behind door number 2?

I have now been married for 10 years to a woman I dated for 8 months. For us, the euphoric stage lasted well into the first couple of years of our marriage. However, now that the stage has passed and we are back down to earth, I realize other factors hold us together and the bond is still getting stronger.

Speaking for myself, I still find her attractive so there is that, but there are other aspects of her personality and of our relationship that make the love stronger with time. This is the more enduring love stage.

This is what’s behind door number two: real-world genuine love. The feelings grow more established with time because you base the relationship on enduring foundations. This is the point where factors such as the initial basis of the relationship are so vital because they will sustain the relationship going from phase to phase.

The not so secret ingredients to enduring love:

When you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be. — Leo Tolstoy

Acceptance, respect, boundaries, compassion, faithfulness, that feeling of security, co-operation, and time are just some ingredients of the enduring love in our relationship. These things help deepen and improve a relationship.

Nobody is perfect, and she has some of what I consider shortcomings, but somehow in my eyes what I consider the “good” qualities always outweigh the “bad”.

I am also convinced that seeing a partner’s feelings growing deeper eases the growth of the other partner’s feelings. When this is the case be prepared to experience a love that will grow till the very end.

Nobody is perfect, and she has some of what I consider shortcomings, but somehow in my eyes what I consider the “good” qualities always outweigh the “bad”.

Conclusion:

So in the end, what I’m trying to say is:

That initial first, euphoric love phase expires for most of us,
The end of that phase is not necessarily the end of the relationship, but it is the time for a clear-headed assessment,
For the right partners, there is a more enduring stage is up ahead once the right foundation is there to build upon,
Partners must practice and imbibe certain qualities like acceptance, respect, compassion, faithfulness, co-operation to build an enduring, loving relationship and,
Couples will then experience genuine love that can last a lifetime because, under the right conditions, it will grow with the passage of time.

Strong, lasting, genuine love relationships are not always spontaneous, we build them. The love in a relationship changes and can move from strength to strength, and the not so secret ingredients above will definitely help. Their presence in a relationship will make the increased bonding between the partners come naturally.

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Previously published on medium

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