Love In The Time Of Corona

Long distance love is hard. Long distance love across different continents is harder. Long distance love across different continents during a Corona pandemic lockdown…was..not..something I ever thought I’d find myself in. But here I am, eight months (yes, you read that right) after I first shared of how I met him, we are still talking. And as you can imagine, it hasn’t been easy. Who would have thought that our world could drastically change and we’re faced with such a life threatening virus causing borders to lockdown, not entering or exiting.

It’s like the moment I found someone I was excited about, God decided to throw a wrench in my plans.

The wait has been agonizing.

For someone who can get anxious once emotions turn real, insecurities and fears set in, and that newness wears off, I sometimes have a tendency to sabotage relationships. I’ve always suffered from predictable patterns in previous relationships. I have an anxious attachment style when it comes to dating. Maybe I shouldn’t take all the blame. Maybe I tend to be attracted to avoidant attachment style men that trigger these emotions. I mean, who in their right mind would search across the world to find love? Someone who is perhaps finding all the reasons to not be in something for fear of repeating the same anxious pains. Maybe.

In the beginning i’m great and modesty aside, men have often described me as amazing! Throughout this period, him and I have been learning more about ourselves, each another, and realizing maybe there was a higher reason why we connected. Even from the very beginning, there was a natural pull, an easy connection. Our matching has felt pre-determined as if we both needed this meeting. We’ve also discovered that our MBTI types (he is ENFP, I am INFJ) are drawn to one another and coined the “golden pair”. It explains why we have a shared intuition towards one another. One thing I have observed is, men feel and get close somewhat differently than woman. I am still figuring out whether he has an avoidant attachment style. I do believe that women can fall in love not having any physical contact. Studies have shown that the anxious and avoidant attachment styles do tend to attract one another. Because these types reaffirm to one another their beliefs that relationships are challenging. I won’t go into these attachment styles in depth as you can find plenty reading on it, but overall avoidant attachment people wish to reduce closeness and intimacy in order to maintain their autonomy. Anxious attached people tend to be preoccupied with their partners and have a harder time feeling secure in their relationship. So is this exactly what I (both) may have needed? To be in a situation where I am forced to see my patterns unravel while a man on the other side of the globe can see these fears and says to me, “Baby, I wish I could just cuddle you so you’re quiet and at peace. So you’re smiling, happy, and calm.”

There are good things about developing a new relationship from long distance. For one, you are forced to focus on the insides of that person. There is something comforting in knowing that this man isn’t talking to you because he is trying to get into your pants. How could he? That would be too much effort just to chase some tail. Tail that who knows when he will ever see.

Dating can be challenging especially earlier on in the process and it’s even more so for me as an anxious attachment person. We’ve had misunderstandings, stopped talking, a lot of frustrations because there were just so many unknowns. It hasn’t been easy. When you have a fight, you can’t call the person up and say, “hey, let’s meet up, we should talk face to face.” Or get a hug and everything is better.

One thing for sure in this challenging predicament, i’ve experienced a kind of love that my heart feels like it could burst. It feels pure. How could this man make me feel so amazing? Why is he so sweet? Are we both crazy to be doing this? How are we still communicating this long without having met in real life? (The secret, we always take ownership). I’ve been forced to look at my anxious patterns, confront my fears and all my insecurities that played a part in pushing men away. With no physical distractions, I’ve been able to see my responses every time I felt all the anxious thoughts come up. I’ve learned to let my guards down and apologize the moment I realized I was projecting my anger from past hurts onto him. While, we have both learned so much of ourselves and while we’ve had some good laughs and special moments. I don’t recommend this long distance to anyone.

But you want to know the irony?

God knew what He was doing this whole time. He didn’t throw a wrench my way. He threw what could potentially be my greatest lesson if I want to find lasting love, finally. He said it was time I confronted my patterns that have blocked me from finding permanent love.

Let’s just hope this pandemic ends soon. Because I need a hug, a strong one.

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Previously published on medium

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