Real love is deeper than emotion – it’s a conscious, often costly decision rooted in truth, grace, and unwavering will.

One of the Greatest Lessons I’ve Ever Learned

One of the most important revelations I’ve had in recent years is that love is not a feeling. I used to believe that love was just a warm, fussy feeling totally contingent on my flimsy and often fleeting emotions.

Yes, love can stir up powerful emotions – ecstasy, passion, joy – but love itself doesn’t depend on how we feel. It’s not a mood. It’s not a chemical rush, and it certainly isn’t butterflies in your stomach. Of course, it can cause all of that, but none of that is required to love. Love is a decision, a daily, sometimes minute-by-minute, choice.

According to theologian Thomas Aquinas, “Love is to will the good of another as other” no matter how you feel. That means to want for others the same good we want for ourselves. So…

• If you want food, make sure everybody eats.
• If you want safety, do what you can to make sure others are safe.
• If you want positive assumptions, give others the same positive assumptions.
• If you want to be forgiven, forgive others.
• If you want high-quality healthcare, do what you can to make sure others have access to the same quality healthcare you have or wish you did have.

I always ask myself this question when deciding the best way to respond to a situation or how I should treat another person:

If this was me or someone I love dearly like my mother, sister, brother, or best friend, how would I want to be treated? How would I want them to be treated?

That is always my answer for how to treat others. That guides my politics. It guided me in the classroom as a teacher. It’s the guide for how I treat strangers on the street. When Jesus commanded us to love others as we love ourselves, this is what He meant. This is agape love, the highest form of love that can be given to anyone we choose.

Types of Love

Biblical scholars say there are four types of love:

Agape (ἀγάπη):

This is the highest form of love, described as selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional. It is often associated with God’s love for humanity and is considered the foundation for Christian love. Agape is a love that is not based on feelings or emotions, but on a commitment to the well-being of others.

2. Philia (φιλία):

This love represents brotherly love, affection, and friendship. It is a love based on shared values, companionship, and mutual respect. The city of Philadelphia is named for this type of love, symbolizing brotherly affection.

3. Storge (στοργή):

This is the natural affection found within families, such as the love between parents and children or siblings. It is a bond of loyalty and care that develops naturally within a family unit.

4. Eros (ἔρως):

While not explicitly named in the Bible, eros refers to romantic and sexual love. It is a passionate love that is often associated with intimacy and physical attraction. The Song of Solomon in the Old Testament is a poetic exploration of this type of love within the context of marriage.

Eros love requires effort to sustain. It’s a fire that must be fed or it could die, and naturally, it tends to wax and wane as life unfolds and years pass. However, the good news is that agape, philia, and storge love can sustain a romantic relationship and a marriage when the passion of eros love wanes. Friendship and shared values are much more reliable than passion.

Friendship and shared values are the reasons married couples stay committed and devoted to each other after 50–60 years. They choose to love because they made a vow. They choose to love because they are family. And hopefully, the fire can be relit once again if it ever wanes, but love, true love, never dies.

Love Brings Joy – But Also Pain

Don’t get me wrong. Love can bring the greatest joy I know. There is nothing more valuable or important than love. Love has had me floating on a cloud and feeling depths of joy and ecstasy I didn’t think were possible. But love, real love, isn’t always pleasant.

Real love involves sacrifice.

It demands patience.

It requires selflessness, grace, and the willingness to always forgive.

To truly love someone is to open your heart to pain, betrayal, disappointment, and to terrible, gut-wrenching grief if they leave or die. But even in the darkest of valleys, love never fails, and love is always worth the grief and pain that comes with it.

When my niece was born, she cracked my heart wide open just by existing. Every coo, laugh, first word, and silly gesture just melted my heart. I never knew I could love like that. And now I am helpless. There is this person walking around who has the power to crush me. I take everything she says and does personally, but there is nothing she could do that would ever make me turn my back on her. Nothing. Sometimes I wish I could wrap her in bubble wrap to protect her from the dangers of the world and keep her safe. It is scary and amazing all at once.

You Can’t Earn It – and You Don’t Have to Feel It

When choosing a mate, there are conditions: compatibility, chemistry, and attraction are imperative. While not everyone is suitable to be your mate, you can choose to love anyone with agape love. Agape love is not transactional. It is not based on what someone does or does not do for you. It’s not something you can earn or buy. It doesn’t depend on chemistry or compatibility. It’s not a reward for good behavior or consistent affection.

Love doesn’t need permission from your feelings.

You can choose to love anyone – and you should choose to love everyone.

The Righteous Path Is the Harder One

Choosing love is not for the faint of heart. It’s not passive or easy, but it is the courageous and righteous path.

In a world that tells us to guard our hearts, protect our peace, and cut people off when they don’t meet our expectations, choosing to love anyway is a revolutionary and courageous act.

And it’s the only way to truly live. You can’t stop breathing because you get a runny nose, and you can’t stop loving because you get hurt. Loving is like breathing. It is natural and normal. It is a part of being fully human and being fully alive.