Love Is Allowing Them To Be as They Are

Is there something you would like to change about someone?

It is only natural. We all learn this growing up. We learn to value opinions about how someone should be and change them into what we think is right. Besides, we want to change for the better — right? We feel within ourselves that we know how they can be happy so let’s change them because they don’t know that for themselves. Isn’t it so? We don’t want to change someone for the worse, do we? We want to change them because we care. Right?

However, wanting to change someone doesn’t actually change them. To the other person, it feels like pressure. And it also misses the crucial point of learning and free choice. Everyone is freely choosing whatever they are. There is no gun to someone’s head. There is always a choice. So they are choosing what makes sense to them. Would we deny their choice and force something else upon them? Is that really what we want.

I don’t think so. I think we care as much as we can. We want what’s best for everyone. We just don’t realise that there is a difference between what we think is for the best and what is actually for the best.

In my experience, what is most helpful is just simply love. But love is misunderstood. It is not something given or taken. Love is a way of being in the world and most simply, it begins with allowing all to be as they are — regardless of what that is.

Also of significance, carrying around the feeling of wanting to change someone or something does not feel great. But don’t take my word for it.

For a moment, allow yourself to feel into that; what does it feel like to want to change or control someone in any way?

Not only does wanting to control or change someone not feel very nice, but it also simply doesn’t work.

In fact, the more we want to change something about someone the more we lock it in place and the harder we make it for that pattern to change.

Truly, the most powerful change agent is pure love.

When we love someone just as they are, they feel like they have space to be as they are. In that space of love, they are more likely to change any non-loving or unhelpful behaviours.

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It’s not a guarantee however it is more likely that they will spontaneously change out of their own free choice.

It is so helpful to understand that we can’t make someone choose something. We can only love someone as they are, communicate clearly and honestly, and be compassionate to everyone involved.

This last one is a critical part. Love does not exclude you. Often the mind says:

“Well if I just love them as they are, then they will just walk all over me.”

But this is coming from a misunderstanding of the nature of love.

Love is the energy of life. It supports all of life, which includes you. Sometimes, to be loving is to stay in a relationship and try to work it out. Other times, to be loving is to leave the relationship in the most respectful way possible for everyone.

If you are with someone and it feels like a breach of your values, then first it is wonderful to open a line of dialogue with them and communicate clearly and compassionately.

For example, let’s say your partner talks in a condescending way to waiters. And when you see that, you feel their superiority complex and lack of modesty. But maybe in other areas, they are very modest and kind. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. So then, this could be used as a moment of honest, clear, and compassionate communication. This is very different to control in that you are not looking to dictate the outcome.

Maybe you say:

“Hey Greg, I’m not sure if you are aware of this ( a great way to soften the conversation) but before, when you spoke to the waiter, it actually came across as rather condescending. Would you be open to exploring where that was coming from within yourself?”

So the question is invitational. It doesn’t blame Greg but merely invites him into an opportunity to explore and discover something new.

When you are honest with yourself you can feel within yourself if there is any wanting to change, control, or make wrong Greg. When you let go of that and come from a place of love and compassion instead, then this gives space for all sorts of possibilities and ways of the relationship growing.

It’s not so much what is said but rather, where it is coming from. So it is key to work on ourselves, own our own insecurities and non-loving feelings, and dissolve them until there is only love left.

At this point, if Greg is willing to look at that part of himself and has sufficient humility, he might say “Oh I see. That’s true I can see that. I guess I was projecting onto the waiter and probably that wasn’t very kind. Thanks for helping me see that!” However, Greg may also be unwilling and defensively reply “Get off my back!” If he responds this way when you come from a place of calm openness — free of any desire for a particular outcome — then that is on Greg. There is never a justification for defensiveness or harsh tone. And if Greg continues this and it feels constricting to be with him, then this would be a great time to explore the option of leaving Greg. It’s just not worth it. And in not changing people, it means we accept them as they are and truly respect their choice to be unwilling, bitter, and defensive. So it might mean leaving them out of respect to ourselves and our own serenity — but in a peaceful and compassionate way.

However, I think most people are quite receptive to love and openness. When we let someone be as they are and invite them to explore life together and grow together, it is quite a beautiful thing that many are open to — though not everyone. In such a case, it is helpful to go over a simple and powerful way to dissolve the non-loving patterns of thought, speech, behaviour, and feeling.

Often it’s actually more than enough to just simply notice or consciously recognise a non-loving pattern. The key is recognising it in a loving non-judgemental way. If we judge a non-loving pattern, we are only propagating it further. What dissolves everything is love. So if we have judgment within ourselves, we project it onto our partner and make it harder for them to lovingly recognise that pattern.

Moreover, letting go of judgements and any wanting to change people is of great benefit to us. It just feels way better to love than it does to want to change someone.

You can explore this for yourself in this way:

First off, allow yourself to have any judgements that you may have about someone. But ask yourself, are those your judgements? Did you choose them or did they simply arise spontaneously in mind? Notice how in actuality, the nature of judgement is impersonal.

As much as it might seem like they are your judgements, those judgements don’t belong to anyone. They don’t define you. Are you a judgement? Or are you that which is aware of judgement?

A fun way to recognise this is to ask yourself — “If I were to forget everything, would judgement be possible?” Notice how to judge requires ideals. These ideals or images of right and wrong are entirely dependent on memory; learnt conditioning.

When all those conditioned ideals drop away, all that remains is the love that you are. Truly, there is a light so bright within you. So pure, illuminating all it touches. This is the light of pure awareness. This pure awareness embraces everything equally. It shines upon all with equal radiance. This is your very own nature — indistinguishable from what you really are.

This might sound abstract and conceptual but experientially, it is so. I recall someone that told me about her poor relationship with her mother. Then, suddenly her mum was diagnosed with dementia. In our culture, this is often considered negative. But it was a massive positive for their relationship. Suddenly, all the grievances and bitterness of the past was forgotten by her mother. She told me that her mum became “pure love”. That’s what it felt like to be around her mother as she lost memories.

We give so much value to memories. But memories are not here right now. Yet in our relationships, we live as though they are. Right now, the way you related to people is now just a memory. It is not here right now. What is here right now is pure potential. Limitless possibility to let go of memories and old patterns, and embrace the possibilities of relating in a new way.

Could you allow yourself to relate to people with love as love? To simply love everyone the way they are just for being that way? With no motives or agendas?

Your mind might ask “how do I do that?” but actually, it has already happened. By reading this, you have already become aware of something new; a different way of seeing. This different perception will result in you relating differently with the people in your life as well as your own thoughts and feelings. You will be aware of new options. And you will be able to more easily recognise when there’s some irritation coming from wanting to change or control someone or something.

So just sit back and relax. There is nothing you have to do. Just let it all unfold as it does. Explore. Enjoy it. See what resonates with you. And dare to love. To just be the loving presence that you already are beyond all memories and ideas.

And if you’d like any support with that, there are many different options to choose from on my website here. From free weekly live group zoom calls, to private sessions, to courses and books.

Thank you for reading this and supporting my writing. I truly appreciate it and it is an absolute delight to share this powerful insight that can transform life in a very uplifting way. Please feel free to share this with anyone you care about who you feel may benefit.

Enjoy this life and the living process of self-discovery — it’s certainly more fun that way!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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